Walta's Back!!

I haven't been on for awhile and posted anything.  In part because I don't have a laptop anymore, but also because I got so worked up in working.

Which is a horrible reason because I was using work as a distraction from my problems.  I think that is something I have always done.  Worked 50 to 70 hours a week in order to keep my mind off of things that are going on in my life.  Cuz when I am no working, I am left to my thoughts.  Thoughts that drive me up the wall!  

So I am back, back to release my thoughts.  To  open up to the world again.  To hopefully help not only myself, but others as well.

To  start with, today marks my 414 days clean from dope.  Something everyday I am so proud of.  It still is crazy to me that I ever allowed myself to get so addicted to something that I hated for so many years.  I still find it unbelievable that I spent so much money and time using something that did nothing but mask my feelings.  At the time it made sense, at the time it worked.

Now that I think about it, that is the same thing I am doing with work right now too.  Using work to mask my feelings.

Speaking about work, I have gotten myself a new job.  I left the nursing home that I worked at for over three years back in June and in July started working at another nursing home.  I love it there.  It is a lot of work at times, keeps me busy, but it also has me using more of my CMT skills and knowledge then I was before.  This new place has also helped me decided that trying for my LPN is the best thing for me to do to kick start my nursing career.  

So that is my plan for next August.  To hopefully be accepted to this accelerated LPN program from one of the best schools around me.

I am excited

I am nervous 

I am scared

But I am determined too!

Nursing is what I love, it is what I am passionate about, it is a job that I would love to wake up  and do every single day of the week.  It is where my heart is, so I must follow my heart!

Something I was always scared of doing; following my heart.

In the past my heart has lead me down painful pathways, but not this year.  2016 really has been the year for me.  I have finally put myself first and my happiness first and have been nothing but satisfied since then.  Putting myself first has allowed me to enjoyed my time, be happy with work, with friends, family, and in my new relationship.

Yes, that is right, I am not single.  

For once this is a relationship that wasn't rushed.  We met back in March and dated for months until I finally worked up the nerve to ask him to be my boyfriend on May 6th.   Dating him has been one of the best times of my life.  We never have a dull moment together.  We always laugh, talk, and adventure.

He's understanding.

He's caring.

He's outgoing.

He's funny.

He's adorable.

He's all mine.

I could talk about his for hours honestly, but I know that would just lead to me rambling.  So I wanted to end this out by saying I'm back!! Be ready for more post from me.  Hopefully ones that are helpful of course!

Feel free to comment, I would love to hear from some of those who read these.

Dear Momma,

Dear Momma,

It's me, your baby boy, here to write you a letter different than anything I have been able to say to you in person.

Image found with bing search

To start out, I want to thank you for being the hardworking, caring, loving, and wise mother that you are.  I want to thank you for being patience with me while I try to grow and mature.  I want to thank you for being the forgiving woman that you are to me no matter how many bad things I do.  I want to thank you for being the example of strength to me as you don't let any hard times keep you down or hold you back in life.

On that note, I want to begin by saying I'm sorry.  I'm sorry I have done you wrong many times.  I'm sorry I have acted like a spoiled brat so much in my life.  I'm sorry that I can not be exactly like you.

And for once, I am not saying that in a sarcastic way like I normally would during a fight.  I am saying that from the bottom of my heart because I no matter how hard I try, I am unable to be like you in the way of your strength.  I let hard times keep me down; I let hard times hold me back in life.  I am unable to be strong through the hard times to see that the grass in greener on the other side.

Although, I am able to say that thanks to you, I am able to start learning how to harness my inner strength to get through the hard times.  Everyday, even if you don't see it, you are showing me how to beacon of strength for a family that is meant to be a sitcom on T.V.

For example, last night you showed me how you are able to be strong enough to forgive me for stealing your $100 dollar birthday money last year.  I couldn't lie to you anymore about it, and I am truly sorry for what I did.  I know you are understanding and forgiving to me because I was on drugs at the time I stole it; to me that is not an excuse though.  Being on drugs or not, I should have never stolen your money.  You do everything for me and I took a present given to you to give yourself a break from all you do.  I will pay you back for that, I promise you that with all my heart.

With interest.

I know I usually am not the best at paying you back, but this time I truly mean it.

You have been nothing but an amazing women.  You have sacrificed your life for your family.  You took time off of work to be there with your recovering children.  Before taking time off, you still spent every moment you weren't working at the hospital with at least one of your children.  Before any of your children were hospitalized, you spent every day: waking up your grown kids, giving them rides to work or school, paying bills for everyone, and anything else you were needed to do.

As I type you are driving two of your kids around to appointments before you have to work tonight.

That is love.  

Image found on Bing

For Christmas I bought you a necklace that says "Mom is the Heart of Our Family" because it is so true.  The heart works to get blood throughout the body to keep it going.  Which is what you do; you work to keep everyone you love going, growing, and getting through the dark times.  Without you I know our family would fall apart.  We would not be able to keep going.

You are someone we can all always call on or come to just to talk about things.  Someone to come to for advice.  Someone to come to for help and guidance.  Someone who is willing to be accepting and understanding of things you may not agree with.  Someone we all need in our own special way.  

So Mom, I want to write you this, knowing my siblings would agree with me in telling you that we appreciate you, we admire you, we aspire to be half the person you are, we aim to make you proud, and we love you with all of our hearts.

Image found with Bing

Sincerely,

Your baby boy Walter

  

The Bottle

When many people hear “the bottle” they automatically assume it means someone has been “hitting the bottle” and getting drunk.  Which in a way is very much so true.  The real bottle that needs to be discussed is what is hiding in the internal bottle that is making that person down that bottle to get drunk?  What many people don’t understand or want to admit is that behind each and every drug addiction there is at least one bottle, if not multiple, that has been filled with a bad memory with the emotions it brings up, wide tightly twisted on, and placed away in one’s mind to be forgotten about.

Yet, it’s never fully forgotten about.
The emotions never fully go away.
They are just masked by the drugs, by the booze, by the working, or by whatever addiction that person is suffering form.  In order to deal with the addiction, the bottles have to be dealt with as well.  Through therapy, through talking about it, in whatever matter works best for that person!  For me it has been therapy and blogging.
These two outlets have helped me deal with my meth addiction, my sex addiction, and many other things.

My sex addiction hasn't been quite discussed on my blog much because part of me wanted to believe that I was only having sex a lot because of the meth.  I have now realized I cannot continue to blame meth when my sex addiction goes back much further than my meth addiction.  Now I have always been addicted to something or other at some point since I was 17.  I would go two to five months at a time without being addicted or using something above weed, but none the less I have dealt with addiction since I was 17.

I have carried around many bottles on my shoulders (deep in my mind) since I was 17.

Before I get too far off track, my sex addiction, has become more clear to me because I can look back and realize I had so many flings, one night stands, super short term boyfriends, fuck buddies, and what have you because it was my way with dealing with feelings of loneliness.  A feeling I got after my real father left my life again.  So, I had sex.  A lot.

And I’m sorry mom for whenever you read this but I feel it is best for me to simply but it out there.

To put it into perspective for you all.  I didn't lose my virginity until I was almost 18 years old (right around the same time I was getting all my DWIs).  From the age of 18 to the age of 21 and a half when I started working at my current job I had sex with approximately 40 guys, give or take ten.  Hell honestly I had lost count until one evening when me and a nurse decided we were going to come up with out “list” so we could know our number.  He is 15 years my senior and his number was less than double digits.  My numbers had grown higher than the amount of years he was old in four years.

Once I started working at my job, my numbers steadily went up.  It is to the point now that I couldn’t even begin to tell you the number of guys I have had sex with.  To be completely safe and honest, the number is probably in the 100’s.

I remember in one day, I was so depressed and lonely after my ex and I had ended things for our last time, I had sex with four different guys in a matter of 24 hours.

Now I now saying all this is going to have people judging me or thinking I’m so STD infested person, but I’m not.  I am clean, get tested every three months, and am not the sexual whore I was.  Since I quit using meth I was still being a whore.  That’s how I know I couldn't blame meth, it was after my therapy appoint where I finally opened and dealt with my bottle causing my loneliness that I haven’t had the urge or need to have sex with anyone.  Yes I still get horny, but I think since I’m a guy that is a curse I will always have to deal with.  Now I redirect my hormones into being productive. Into blogging, coming up with new ways to blog (aka the YouTube video plans), or into working on projects at work.  Now I am only sexually active with one person, the only person I want to be sexually active with.

Now I know this blog is going to upset a lot of guys, a lot of guys I have pretty much been playing.  To you guys, I am so very sorry.  For someone who has been played and used by guys I shouldn't have ever done that to you guys, but I did.  I would understand completely if you guys were to defriend me on Facebook, delete my number from your phones, or completely just cut me out of your lives.  I understand that, I can’t take back what I have done.  All I can do is tell you that I am truly, wholeheartedly, 100% sorry for what I have done to you.  For lying.  For leading.  For playing.  For using.

This opening up about my sex addiction is my way of showing that once you deal with the bottles causing the addictions, you will be able to deal with the addictions.  Addiction isn't something that is easy to deal with.  We all need help in some way with dealing with them.  We can’t do it alone so don’t be afraid to ask for help! After you detox, after you rehab, you will need therapy.  Some people don’t need the rehab part, they are able to detox and not use again, if they go through therapy and talk to someone.

Therapy has saved my life, therapy has showed me that it is better to open the bottles and deal with the emotions and memories that it is to allow those bottles to weigh on your shoulders for the rest of your life.


I write this blog today after a conversation with a certain loved one of mine.  When you read this, I hope you know I do love you.  With all my heart.  No matter how my blogs prior to this one have talked about you, I will always want the best for you.  I will always be here to help you through the dark times.  Because you are someone I know can take over the world and will once you get your head right!  These dark times can be concurred together.  I love you forever and for always!

A Ride With Me!

My YouTube video of my car ride from the other day :)

Nicki Minaj - Bed Of Lies (Official Audio) (Feat. Skylar Grey)

This song is just so true. To all. In many different ways.  Preformed perfectly.

"Bed Of Lies"
(feat. Skylar Grey)

Do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?
And I knew better than to look in your eyes
They only pretend you would be mine
And oh how you made me believe
You had me caught in every web that you weave
But do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?


You could never make eye contact
Everything you got was based off of my contacts
You a fraud, but I'mma remain icon-stat
Balenciaga's on my boots with the python strap
You was caught up in the rush, and you was caught up in the thrill of it
You was with me way before I hit a quarter mil' in it
Put you in the crib and you ain't never pay a bill in it
I was killin' it, man you got me poppin' pills in it
I told Baby hit you, I said this nigga buggin'
Cause I was doing it for us, I told 'em fuck the public
Couldn't believe that I was home alone contemplating
Overdosin', no more coastin', no more toastin' over oceans
They say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
They say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn
But there was something I should've asked all along
I'mma ask on the song


Do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?
And I knew better than to look in your eyes
They only pretend you would be mine
And oh how you made me believe
You had me caught in every web that you weave
But do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?


I just figured if you saw me, if you looked in my eyes
You'd remember our connection and be freed from the lies
I just figured I was something that you couldn't replace
But there was just a blank stare and I couldn't relate
I just couldn't understand and I couldn't defend
What we had, what we shared, and I couldn't pretend
When the tears roll down it's like you ain't even notice em
If you had a heart, I was hoping you that would've showed it some
What the fuck you really telling me, what you telling me
I could tell you lying, get the fuck out, don't yell at me
I ain't mean to cut you, I ain't wanna catch a felony
This ain't How To Be A Player, you ain't Bill Bellamy
They say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
They say that your darkest hour come before your dawn
But there was something that I should've asked all along
I'mma ask on the song


So does she know I've been in that bed before
A thousand count, and not a single thread of truth
If I was just another girl
Then I'm ashamed to say that I'm not over you
There's one thing I need to know
So call me, when you're not so busy just thinking of yourself


Do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?
And I knew better than to look in your eyes
They only pretend you would be mine
And oh how you made me believe
You had me caught in every web that you weave
But do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?

One Step at a Time

Life is ment to be taken one step at a time.  You don't get to just go from the bottom of the stairs to the stop.  That's what's the hardest part for me to accept.  I mean, yes I know you can't skip steps, but I don't like to wait.  I had  a therapy appointment today where my therapist was quite proud of me for working towards bettering my life.  For forgiving my father for leaving me and for doing the things i need to do to better my life.  One of which was looking for a new job.  

A new job both scares me and excites me.  Trying something new would be exciting.  But leaving what I know scares the living shit out of me.  But my therapist thinks it would be best for me as long as I continue to have a boss that is constantly out to get me.  A new job could pay me more, could be less stressful, and could teach me lots.  But a new job would be outside of my norm, which of course is scary.  

But I still spent 4 hours the others day applying at every hospital in the KC area and I plan to apply at many more nursing homes once I get my CMT.

It's not like I don't love my job, it is just that I would like some recognition for the work I do.  For the work I do above and beyond.  

My therapist also thinks it would be a good idea for me to continue on the steps I am taking to better my life so that I can move out on my own again.  He fears that my home dynamics is a major stressor in my life.  Which I can understand.  This is because when I'm not at work I still feel like I'm working.  Since we have both of my sisters back at my house for medical recovery.  One just for rehab after a 3 month stay in multiple hospitals after an attempted suicide and one for a staph infection brought on my drug use.  

I enjoy rehabing my sister after her attempted suicide.  I praise jesus everyday that she failed.  I will admit I will never understand what lead her to that point but I will never judge her for what she did.  

My other sister is a different story.  While I have suffered from addictions in my past, I also know how it goes getting over those addictions.  You either hit rock bottom or you finally wake up one day and realize that what you are doing is stupid and not getting you anywhere.  Like I told my therapist, I feel like te older sibiling even though I am the one that is four years younger.  There is times I just want to sit her down and smack the living shit out of her.  It's like, grow the fuck up please!  Your killing mom, your killing me, and your killing yourself.  

Day by day I have to remind myself that I'm taking the steps in the right direction to better my life.  It just feels like it is taking to long.  I have long legs and I feel like these steps should be easy to climb.  But their not.  Sometimes it feels like after I take one step i fall back three.   I know I can't give up, I must push forward.  Cuz nothing in life is just handed to you.  You have to take things one step at a time.  

This is going to be a short blog solely because I am quite depressed right now and don't know what to do anymore to make myself happy.  it's like it my happiness comes and goes and here lately it's been more gone than it has been here.  

So my next step is to deal with this depression, to get myself back to my place of happiness.  To get myself back to the place I was when not but a week or so ago when nothing could get me a low as I feel now.  

Life wil get better, I just have to be the one to make it better.  I must constantly remind myself of that fact otherwise I will fail in my quest for happiness.  

So until next time everyone.

Stay strong, keep your heads up, and feel free to contact me to talk cuz lord knows I will need it sometime.

Dear Walter

Dear Walter A Moore I,

I am writing you this letter to clear up the air, to clear up my heart, and to hopefully clear up my future.  Originally I was going to write a "Dear Dad" letter but then I realized, I would be calling you the wrong thing.  At the most, "Dear Sperm Donor" would be good enough.  Out of respect I shall just write this as a normal letter with your name in it.

Where shall I begin?  Well first off I want to thank you for the few years of my life you were actually present and active in my life!  I grew up thinking mom had either adopted Nicole and I or that she was some how like the virgin Mary except without giving birth to God's children.  So when you were actually present it let me know where I had came from and allowed me to see the part of me that I had never known.

The good years were from 13 to 15.  We spent almost every weekend together, and every other Tuesday or Thursday together.  I can't honestly remember for sure off the top of my head because those two years and you were both buried into a cement cell in my head.

This cement cell has affected me more in life then I thought it would when I first created it at the age of 15.  I would have never thought back then that such a cell would weigh so much on my shoulders.

When I was 15, you bounced.  Again.  From my life.  No real reason was given.  I can only assume its because you checked your web browser history, saw that I was checking out gay blogs on xanga.com, and couldn't handle having a gay son.  This is fine.  Many people can't handle it.  Hell mom and I have just recently started talking about boys and dating and what have you with one another.  She found out I was gay when I was 16.  It might have taken about 7 years for the communication lines to open up but at least they did.  She didn't run.  She's strong.

When you left me for the second time, you did a word of damage that I never wanted to admit until now.  Now I have trust issues, relationship issues, drug issues, alcohol issues, and love issues.

I can't trust many people because I'm always afraid they are going to leave me just like you have.  I have had numerous friends, guys, hell even jobs since I was 15 and nearly all of them have been like revolving doors in my life because I have no trust.  No faith.

I have relationship issues because I go for guys who are just like you.  Which is surprising because I have always said I would never date a black guy because I would feel like I was dating you.  I may not have ever dated a black guy, but I have dated more guys that are like you than I'm happy to admit.  I date the guys that are pieces of shit, that are users, abusers, scum, and no good.  I date them because I'm convinced that I can change them.  I can make them better, I can make them amazing people, I can make them want to stay with me past 3 weeks.

Needless to say this is far from true.

But I don't want you to think I have always dated POS guys.  No, I have actually dated a handful of really great amazing guys.  Ones that treated me right, cared about me, wanted to be with me.  You want to know what I did with those guys? I sabotaged things.  I cheated, I lied, I became just like you in order to mess things up because I knew deep down they would run just like you.

I have had more drug addictions since the day you left than you can ever imagine.  Every last one of them was to fill the void that not having my father around left me.  Drugs masked the pain I felt deep down.  The loneliness I felt, the emptiness I felt all could be avoid by using drugs.  I am proud to say that I was able to conquer that issue on my own.  143 days sober as of today.

Alcohol was always my original way to handle to fact that you left me again.  Alcohol also one of the major things that destroyed my life.  Do you remember our last conversation we ever had?  I was 18 and was trying to tell you the outcome of my DWI cases.  You were under the impression I wanted money from you.  I might be a little stuck up in life, I might like the finer things, but never have I just wanted money from you.  I could careless about your money, I was just telling you what was going on in my life.  Although I'm not sure why because at that point you had your new family, your new daughter and son and didn't need me anymore remember?

Love is something I don't really think I know what the true meaning is.  Parents are who are suppose to show their children what love is.  Mom did her best to show me, but being a single parent for awhile meant she had to work a lot to take care of two kids because child support wasn't happening.  Yes she got remarried, but by that point my definition of love was already defined within my young mind.

Although you weren't there you still had a major impact in my life.  An impact I wish wasn't true.  You are truly a person I wish I could forget about.  That task is impossible to do because daily I am reminded of you just when I hear my name.  When I look in the mirror.  I think through my past and I have done things that you have done in your past.   Drank like a fish, smoked cigarettes, lied, cheated, and ditched.

This letter was not meant to be a bitch session.  A blame you for everything type.  No, this letter is to say I forgive you.  I understand you and mom couldn't stay together because the love was gone.  I know you had to do what was best for you.  I admire that, because I too want to do whats best for me.  This is why I am whole-heartedly forgive you.

This letter is to say I wish you the best.  This is where I would like to completely part ways.  I ask that  you please don't message me on Facebook anymore on my birthday or ask mom for my number to tell me happy birthday.  Or any other holiday you deem important enough to contact me.  I no longer harbor resentment for you, I no longer harbor anger or hatred for you.  I know you did what was best for you.  You didn't know the long term affects of those choices but being one of the individuals affected by your choices I won't let them affect me anymore.

I hope your life is good.  I hope your family is good.  I hope you live a long and happy life Walter.

Sincerely,

Walter A Moore II

Just One of Those Days...

Today turned out to be one of those days for me.  I got plenty of sleep last night, slept good, woke up on time and was at work nice and on time.

It's not that I was a bad mood...sad mood...happy mood....or anything like that....I just felt blah.

I wasn't my usual perky morning person, I was just another body in the crowd; which that I a am far from being.  I truly am one of a kind in many ways.  Most anyone who knows me will tell you they could never forget who I am and they always know when I'm around.  Today, however, was totally different.

I felt off.

I felt there but not.

I felt myself over working myself before I could have the chance to over work myself.

So I had a coworker who wanted to come in and work anyways come in and work for me so that I could leave and I knew my last feeling was right.  Even though I still have two shifts left I was already at 34.something hours. Had I stayed tonight it would have put me at close to, if not barely over, 40 hours.  Although I have worked 60 hour weeks here recently, it was when I started having more and more break downs from just sheer exhaustion.

I've noticed something I do even since I quit using Meth; I started using work as my distraction from wanting to use.  I also used work as a distraction from my loneliness I feel when I hang out in my room alone during the day.

By "using work as a distraction"  I mean picking up shifts, coming in early, working a lot of doubles or my days off just to keep myself from having to sit at home alone left to my thoughts.

So I've started this habit of picking up more and more hours at my job, which in turns typically leads me to exhaustion and episodes of depression; I trade my meth addiction for a work addiction.

Which the work addiction is surprisingly harder for me to quit than my meth addiction was.

This is because when I'm at work, I feel wanted, needed, and even at rare times I feel appreciated.  Being at work fills the loneliness I get when I'm at home.  See I don't do my job for the money, or the "job security", or any of those other dumb reasons people get into nursing.  I do my job because I love help people, love to care for people, and love being in the medical field.

At my job, sometimes the workers are all the resident has.  We are like their family.  So naturally you want to be around your family like 24/7 right?

Of course not.  Just like with everything else in life, you should never be around or do something for 24 hours straight every day of the week.  You must take breaks, you must enjoy your time off, and you must relax.

This is something I need to work on doing, taking breaks and relaxing.

So now that I know my feelings earlier were just those "one of those days" feelings, I feel better since I can identify the issue.  Now the question is, to come up with a solution that is good for me.

Until next time!

Walta

Dealing With Whats Your Closet

I don't know about you, but I know when I came out of the closet I proceeded to shut the closet door and leave all that stupid shit behind.  Well I'm slowly starting to see that is NOT the way to handle things.  I have been seeing a psychiatrist for a couple months now and in our last get together on Monday he asked me if I was seeing a therapist.  When I told him no he laughed and said, "So you complete by passed the therapist before coming to the psychiatrist?"  I sure in the hell did! I have a bad history with therapy where I was always told I was the cause of all the problems even though I was just an 8 year old child.  But I'm not going to allow my past to affect my now and my future so heavily.  This new therapist told me that it was time to talk and get those damn skeletons out of the closet so I will.  One by one for each meeting we have have weekly for now.

I recommend everyone does that.   Maybe you don't have the money for therapy, or the time, or even the desire to go see a therapist.  Create a blog and make that your therapy session.  This post here will be about my first skeleton.

My first skeleton is that I always feel lonely and unwanted.  Although I've never wanted to admit it, a big reason why I feel this way is because my real father wasn't in my life until I was 13 years old and then the moment he found out I was gay he split when I was 15.  Those two years we spent a lot of time together were great.  He showed me how much I love to golf, how amazing Minsky's Pizza is, and that video game golf was just as fun as the real deal.  Then he left. Disappeared.  Informed me he had his new family and his new kids and had done it write this time so he didn't need me or my sister anymore.

I thought I was find with this.  Hell I had gone 13 years without knowing the man I didn't think it would be much different now that he was gone again.

But my therapist pointed out how since that happened I seem to date or attempt to date guys that don't stick around past 3 weeks.  I do this because I think I can fix whatever the issue is that causes guys to leave after 3 weeks.  Subconsciously I'm doing this to try and fix my thoughts of being unwanted by my dad by choosing the same kinda douche bags that he is.

After my therapist said that, it made since.  That is something I do.  As soon as I meet a guy I tell them about my three week curse then upon three weeks when they wanna split I do everything in my power to try and fix whatever it is that's causing them to wanna leave.  When  in reality it's just because were not compatible, it was nothing to do with me like I think, but everything to do with chemistry.

I will say this in my defense.  Since I got sober from Meth on July 4, 2014, I have dealt with only one guy who has showed the whole 3 week curse.  But he needed to be gone anyways because he wasn't good for me anyways.

And yes I said since I got sober from Meth on July 4th of this year! 131 days! My next post will be about how I did it and tips to help you or a friend or loved one!

I leave you know with this quote that I have no clue where it came from or who said it but they couldn't have been anymore more right:
"You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one"

Think over that one until my next post.who read my posts!

Thanks always & forever!
Walter Moore

By My Side

Still working hard to get the Poem section of the blog up and running!

Whats your favorite idea for a "name" for the section? Comment and let me know!

Poems

Poetry

Poetry Corner

WaMoo-Poems-4-You

Any other ideas are welcome!! Like I've said before this isn't going to be a poetry spot for just me it will be for EVERYONE to have a place to show their talent and skill!

After spending many days going through all my drives, e.i. Google Drive, Dropbox, Box, Skydrive, I finally was able to locate the other poem I recently wrote!! I also found my final draft of "The Thief" which I truly love!

Today I will be attaching my other poem for y'all to read.  "The Thief" final copy will be revealed on the poem sections opening day :)

By My Side

As I lay here,

You by my side,

A mind full of fear,

A heart on a ride.

My joy is right here,

My pain has to hide,

I hold back a tear,

Fake a smile so wide,

To you it must seem mere,

The thoughts locked inside,

Though this one should be clear,

I’ll announce it with pride:

Baby, forever I'll lay here,

If you're by my side

The Thief

I haven’t quite mastered the “Poem" section of the blog so until this I will just periodically post poems here until it is all figured out.  This here is the first, true, non-school related poem I ever wrote.  I wrote it for the love of my life.  The poem probably won’t make any sense, with many errors, but that's life.  I’m proud of my poem and the way it relays it’s message.  Hope y’all somewhat enjoy it! Here is goes!

The Thief

By: Walter Moore

No thief of one’s money

nor silver of gold

He’ll leave you your jewelry

Both new and the old

When he sees what he wants

He goes for it fast

His voice is what charms you

Making time dance on past

Your end is his stories

That show his past pain

From this moment on

The Thief's on your brain

With both your souls open

Arms around each other

You’ll gaze in his eyes

As he pulls you closer

He’ll caress of your back

Your spine gets a chill

You feel both hearts racing

Then succumbing to their will

It’s behind these closed doors

That lust turns to passion

From this moment on

The Thief’s your attraction

You know you're in love

While your hand in hand

Wrapped up in his arms

Your dreams growing so grand

His breath fully wakes you

Each one tickles your ear

You still think you’re dreaming

There is no way he’s here

As time really goes fast

to him you stake claim

From this moment on

The Thief holds your flame

The time so far shared

May only equal a week

But each day your love grows

With him perfection you seek

But some thoughts are just dreams

Twas just your misery taunting

He starts to withdraw

A smile so haunting

You two fight and y’all argue

Both words cause such a fray

From this moment on

The Thief has the say

From your life he then walked

Your happiness went with him

While stuck in your bed

You feel life turn grim

Pour your heart into letters

Praying your cries he’ll hear

Your mind plays a cruel game

Making love feel so near

With one last attempt

You bare him your soul

From this moment on

The Thief makes you whole

Your friends and your family

Lovingly give you such grief

For they just can’t see

Why you love the thief

He’s no crook nor a bad guy

He’s just like us all

What they do not know

Is this was all Fate’s call

You weren't in control

In the end or the start

From that moment on

The Thief stole your heart  <3

Carefree Was The Way To Be!

Remember when life was all about how much time could we spend outside with our friends? When the saddest thing we had to deal with was when the sun started to go down and our mothers would be yelling our name from the front door to tell us it was time to come in?

I remember those days and boy do I miss them! For Christmas my grandmother got me the best shirt I have ever owned in my life time! Stylish? No. Expensive? Not possible. Perfect saying? Totally!

What's it say??

"As kids we couldn't wait to grow up
wow, were we stupid"

Is that not beyond true? Me, there wasn't a single day that went by that I wasn't praying, wishing, and impatiently waiting for the day I grew up and became an "Adult".  Now, there isn't a single day that goes by that I am not praying, wishing, and impatiently waiting for the day a time machine is invented so that I can go back to being a kid again!

I ask myself, "Why the heck did I ever want to be an Adult?"

Working?
Bills?
Responsibilities?

There wasn't any of that stuff in my fantasies of adulthood.  Probably because it was never really something I saw.  Well the struggle side at least.  Yes my mom would have to go off to work, for long long hours, but it was something she loved to do so she didn't complain much.  Of course we had bills, but its not something she openly shared with her young children, so I was quite naive to them all together.  Responsibilities, pretty much just like bills, naive from lack of knowledge.

Now being grown does have its perks, but I have yet to find one that is better than living a life carefree like a child does.

Outing At The Playground

As a young 4 year old, there wasn't a single care in life to make me second guess someone or to act differently due to fear.  In my eyes, as well as many others, the world was a playground and everyone was here to play!

But as we grow up, this vision of life slowly and completely evaporates from our life's, replaced by mistrust due to dishonesty from those around us.  Why is this?  Why is it that as humans we always want to boast about being "100% real" or a "no liar" yet we can't even be true to ourselves, others, and people as a whole?

For example, I am a firm believer in giving closeted or a "not out" gay plenty of time to fully come out the closet at their own personal pace.  It is not something that can be rushed and it is something that must happen in a way that is most comfortable for everyone, but most of all whoever is coming out MUST be comfortable.  That being say, although I condone taking time to come out, what I do not condone are those who wish to remain "discreet" because they are married, in a relationship, super religious or strict parents, etc.  Why? Because your not being real, your not being honest, which causes there to be a lack of trust in people!

If your married, than good God man why are you stepping out?  If you are obviously not happy where you are then it is time to reevaluate your life, your wants, and your desires.  If you are a man who is married to a women but secretly on Grindr, Jack'd, or adam4adam looking to find some "discreet" play time buddies then you have gotten to be one of the biggest reasons why trust is such an issue.

That is because you aren't just causing distrust in your own personal home, but your actions will always leave a thought deep in the head of your "discreet friend" that will cause him to question his future partner down the road.  You will also begin to have the same mental paranoia that your wife is stepping out just like you and the cycle just grows from there.  Distrust is like the flu or the common cold, extremely contagious. This applies to those in a relationship as well,  stray true, stay faithful, stay trustworthy.

To those who have super religious or super strict parents and think that can excuse them from every fully admitting who they are, who they love, and what not, this is false.  Yes it gives you a little extra time if your under 18 years old.  Then I can respect and understand why you want to wait.  But your 26 year old, live on  your own, graduated college, own car, support yourself and live far form your parents; zero excuse.  One, your over 18 what are you afraid they are going to do?

In my years, every closeted gay's number one fear is that their parents will quit communicating with, or "disown", them forever because they are southern baptist and strict.  Well I too had that exact fear.  I tried everything to keep my secret my secret, and my mom being the sweet angel that she is, she went through a period of time when she was fed up with how my sister and I were behaving so she was overly strict.  In fact, I was shipped of a juvenile psych ward because she found out I was a pot smoker and drinker.  So instead of shipping me off to rehab against my will, at the age of 16, she called the police and said I had threatened to kill myself so that I would be held at St. Luke's in a little country town.  To make a long story short, I was outed by a night time nurse when my mom called up to check up on my progress.

My Mother and I, she's my rock and my idol

You know how she took it? My strict southern baptist mother who had just lied to have me admitted into a psych ward?  She said what I can guarantee at least 75% of those with strict religious parents will say: "Well I don't agree, condone, or support you choosing to sin your life away, you are still my child and I will always love you.  No matter what."

My mom, nephew, and I going to a movie.

In the end, being outed to my mother brought us closer than we have ever been in the 8 years prior.   It is something I am glad happened because the feeling as I released the last boulder on my shoulder was heavenly.  I was finally at peace for the first time in my 16 year of life.  It was the first time I could honestly say I was living without lying.  It was also when my mom started to trust me again.

I can honestly admit that I had re-achieved the feeling of being a 4 year old looking at life as a giant playground.

That feeling didn't last long simply because It became very clear that no one else was living a lie-free life. When I started to see the world as a giant playground again, is when I really got a chance to see how as people grew up, the playground drastically changed; a change that was far from being a good one at that.

Love's True Fairy Tale

Love is something everyone is looking for, right?
The emotion we all yearn to feel at some point in our lives, right?
But who can honestly fully define and explain what love is?

A simple search on Google.com pulls up their definition of love as an intense feeling of deep affection.
Next it shows the Merriam-Webster Dictionary website definition of love as a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person.
Finally it show's our friends from UrbanDictionary.com's definition of  love as nature's way of tricking people into reproducing.

Now, which one of these is the real-life definition?  I believe all of these definitions are accurate and wrong, at the same time.  I believe this because we all know we openly profess our deep love for someone that we have strong feelings for from our extreme attraction to them making us want to be affectionate with them so that we can, in the cause of the heterosexual community, reproduce little babies to carry on our name.  As for us homosexuals, well we just love sex so we to pretend that we can procreate.

Yet this and the other definitions are still missing many factors.  No where are you informed that love is:

Hard-work
Painful
Confusing
Misleading
Always Changing 

Love is about as predictable as trying to say what you will be doing a 2:15 pm on August 31st, 2024.  No one seems to teach people that love is not only the best thing to happen to us, it is also the worse.

In my experience, love always starts out as a breath-taking feeling that creeps up out of nowhere when it is least expected, usually with someone who I never thought could make me feel that way.  During a blissful time,I go blinded to what is going on around me, so it is always a complete shock when suddenly life drops a bomb on me.  You see, every time I blessed with the feelings of love, I am also very much reminded that love is not always the fairy tale we dream.  That's when the other side of love shows its hideous face. 

Heartbreak

Inner pain

Depression

Agony

Photo from http://picsbox.biz

These are parts of love that we aren't shown by Disney or any other network as we grow up. Would we really want to find love if we knew that Cinderella suffered from a drug addiction and depression because the prince before Charming didn't love her the same as she did him? Or that the Beast was really off in that castle isolating himself from the villagers to protect them since he went stark crazy after Beautimous, his lady before Beauty, had laid in bed with half the village while he worked all day?

Photo from www.merchantcircle.com

Of course they don't show that to young vulnerable minds. No, that is not how all relationships play out. Fairy tales do eventually come true for us all.  At some point in life, at a time and place unbeknownst to us we are over take by that euphoric feeling of love again.  This time however, it is not a short high that is then followed by a devastating low, but a everlasting high that has numerous short spurts of fights and disagreements. These disagreement are there just to remind us we are human and can overcome any obstacle with the one we love.

What should you take from this??

It's time to grow up my young friend.
Life is not a Disney Cartoon.
Love is not easy.
Love is not always good nor is it always bad.
Each experience is personal and an opportunity to learn, so take it!

Please leave comments and thoughts and let us continue writing Love's True Fairy Tale