The Bottle

When many people hear “the bottle” they automatically assume it means someone has been “hitting the bottle” and getting drunk.  Which in a way is very much so true.  The real bottle that needs to be discussed is what is hiding in the internal bottle that is making that person down that bottle to get drunk?  What many people don’t understand or want to admit is that behind each and every drug addiction there is at least one bottle, if not multiple, that has been filled with a bad memory with the emotions it brings up, wide tightly twisted on, and placed away in one’s mind to be forgotten about.

Yet, it’s never fully forgotten about.
The emotions never fully go away.
They are just masked by the drugs, by the booze, by the working, or by whatever addiction that person is suffering form.  In order to deal with the addiction, the bottles have to be dealt with as well.  Through therapy, through talking about it, in whatever matter works best for that person!  For me it has been therapy and blogging.
These two outlets have helped me deal with my meth addiction, my sex addiction, and many other things.

My sex addiction hasn't been quite discussed on my blog much because part of me wanted to believe that I was only having sex a lot because of the meth.  I have now realized I cannot continue to blame meth when my sex addiction goes back much further than my meth addiction.  Now I have always been addicted to something or other at some point since I was 17.  I would go two to five months at a time without being addicted or using something above weed, but none the less I have dealt with addiction since I was 17.

I have carried around many bottles on my shoulders (deep in my mind) since I was 17.

Before I get too far off track, my sex addiction, has become more clear to me because I can look back and realize I had so many flings, one night stands, super short term boyfriends, fuck buddies, and what have you because it was my way with dealing with feelings of loneliness.  A feeling I got after my real father left my life again.  So, I had sex.  A lot.

And I’m sorry mom for whenever you read this but I feel it is best for me to simply but it out there.

To put it into perspective for you all.  I didn't lose my virginity until I was almost 18 years old (right around the same time I was getting all my DWIs).  From the age of 18 to the age of 21 and a half when I started working at my current job I had sex with approximately 40 guys, give or take ten.  Hell honestly I had lost count until one evening when me and a nurse decided we were going to come up with out “list” so we could know our number.  He is 15 years my senior and his number was less than double digits.  My numbers had grown higher than the amount of years he was old in four years.

Once I started working at my job, my numbers steadily went up.  It is to the point now that I couldn’t even begin to tell you the number of guys I have had sex with.  To be completely safe and honest, the number is probably in the 100’s.

I remember in one day, I was so depressed and lonely after my ex and I had ended things for our last time, I had sex with four different guys in a matter of 24 hours.

Now I now saying all this is going to have people judging me or thinking I’m so STD infested person, but I’m not.  I am clean, get tested every three months, and am not the sexual whore I was.  Since I quit using meth I was still being a whore.  That’s how I know I couldn't blame meth, it was after my therapy appoint where I finally opened and dealt with my bottle causing my loneliness that I haven’t had the urge or need to have sex with anyone.  Yes I still get horny, but I think since I’m a guy that is a curse I will always have to deal with.  Now I redirect my hormones into being productive. Into blogging, coming up with new ways to blog (aka the YouTube video plans), or into working on projects at work.  Now I am only sexually active with one person, the only person I want to be sexually active with.

Now I know this blog is going to upset a lot of guys, a lot of guys I have pretty much been playing.  To you guys, I am so very sorry.  For someone who has been played and used by guys I shouldn't have ever done that to you guys, but I did.  I would understand completely if you guys were to defriend me on Facebook, delete my number from your phones, or completely just cut me out of your lives.  I understand that, I can’t take back what I have done.  All I can do is tell you that I am truly, wholeheartedly, 100% sorry for what I have done to you.  For lying.  For leading.  For playing.  For using.

This opening up about my sex addiction is my way of showing that once you deal with the bottles causing the addictions, you will be able to deal with the addictions.  Addiction isn't something that is easy to deal with.  We all need help in some way with dealing with them.  We can’t do it alone so don’t be afraid to ask for help! After you detox, after you rehab, you will need therapy.  Some people don’t need the rehab part, they are able to detox and not use again, if they go through therapy and talk to someone.

Therapy has saved my life, therapy has showed me that it is better to open the bottles and deal with the emotions and memories that it is to allow those bottles to weigh on your shoulders for the rest of your life.


I write this blog today after a conversation with a certain loved one of mine.  When you read this, I hope you know I do love you.  With all my heart.  No matter how my blogs prior to this one have talked about you, I will always want the best for you.  I will always be here to help you through the dark times.  Because you are someone I know can take over the world and will once you get your head right!  These dark times can be concurred together.  I love you forever and for always!

Just One of Those Days...

Today turned out to be one of those days for me.  I got plenty of sleep last night, slept good, woke up on time and was at work nice and on time.

It's not that I was a bad mood...sad mood...happy mood....or anything like that....I just felt blah.

I wasn't my usual perky morning person, I was just another body in the crowd; which that I a am far from being.  I truly am one of a kind in many ways.  Most anyone who knows me will tell you they could never forget who I am and they always know when I'm around.  Today, however, was totally different.

I felt off.

I felt there but not.

I felt myself over working myself before I could have the chance to over work myself.

So I had a coworker who wanted to come in and work anyways come in and work for me so that I could leave and I knew my last feeling was right.  Even though I still have two shifts left I was already at 34.something hours. Had I stayed tonight it would have put me at close to, if not barely over, 40 hours.  Although I have worked 60 hour weeks here recently, it was when I started having more and more break downs from just sheer exhaustion.

I've noticed something I do even since I quit using Meth; I started using work as my distraction from wanting to use.  I also used work as a distraction from my loneliness I feel when I hang out in my room alone during the day.

By "using work as a distraction"  I mean picking up shifts, coming in early, working a lot of doubles or my days off just to keep myself from having to sit at home alone left to my thoughts.

So I've started this habit of picking up more and more hours at my job, which in turns typically leads me to exhaustion and episodes of depression; I trade my meth addiction for a work addiction.

Which the work addiction is surprisingly harder for me to quit than my meth addiction was.

This is because when I'm at work, I feel wanted, needed, and even at rare times I feel appreciated.  Being at work fills the loneliness I get when I'm at home.  See I don't do my job for the money, or the "job security", or any of those other dumb reasons people get into nursing.  I do my job because I love help people, love to care for people, and love being in the medical field.

At my job, sometimes the workers are all the resident has.  We are like their family.  So naturally you want to be around your family like 24/7 right?

Of course not.  Just like with everything else in life, you should never be around or do something for 24 hours straight every day of the week.  You must take breaks, you must enjoy your time off, and you must relax.

This is something I need to work on doing, taking breaks and relaxing.

So now that I know my feelings earlier were just those "one of those days" feelings, I feel better since I can identify the issue.  Now the question is, to come up with a solution that is good for me.

Until next time!

Walta

July 4th, 2014, when change first began

Being that today is November 13th, 2014 it has been 132 days since I got sober from Meth, Tina, Party, or whatever name you may know it by.  132 days is a small feat it may seem but to me I am quite proud of every day that passes by for increasing my sobriety number.  

Although I was not addicted to meth for as long as some people are, I was already starting to loss control of my addiction.   Everyone says that you got to control your addiction and not let it control you.

That doesn't happen, eventually all addictions take control of their lives.

Mine started with just using when I needed to stay awake for long periods of time studying or doing whatever.  But I would only do a small amount every few days when needed.  Then I started having finals in my summer courses of college so I needed to stay awake for a few days at a time and study or work on projects.  Then I met my ex boyfriend, which was a heavy daily user.  Which then allowed me to release control of my addiction to it's self; It was then that my addiction took control of me.

I won't name names of to who my ex is, out of respect and privacy, but we will refer to him as he, or him, or his

He would want to smoke all day every day, so we would.  I went from doing 0.4 grams every 3 or for days to doing a teener (1.75 grams) a day with him.  I was in love.  I thought I was in love.  I thought he was the one for me.  It took me a long time to realize he wasn't.  Even after you told me to my face he would choose meth over me any day, I still believed he cared for me the way I did for him.

But that is a different story.

Anyways..
after mine and his many break ups I started using uncontrollably.  I stayed up for days and days on in staying awake and either painting, playing on the computer, or whoring out in my room.  Things for me continued to spiral out of control for me until I finally took a moment to sit back and thank of all the people I know who had been using for years, him (my ex) included.  I did not to turn out like them, I had bigger plans for my life.  So I flushed what I had left, broke my pipes and all paraphernalia (or however the word is spelt) and never looked back.

To me, that is how I get about quitting drugs, I just quit doing them.

Things for you might be different.  But quitting is something everyone can do! No matter how long you have been using you can quit! I'm no expert but let me give you a couple suggestions:

Walta's Suggestions for Getting Sober:

• Make sure you don't try to quit unless you truly fully want to quit using whatever drug it may be you are using
• Destroy all objects that were utensils in your use
• Build a support system, if you don't have anyone that knows you are using and don't use themselves, tell them and tell them you need them to be there to support you.
• Sleep for three days.  No matter what your using, it's said that the first three days of recovery are the worse so why not sleep through them if possible? Take time off work or even school so you can sleep
• Be willing and able to talk about your addiction. Be that Narcotics Anonymous , a therapist or counselor, or even a blog.  So way that allows you to get things off your chest
• Download an app that counts for you and shows your how many days you have been sober.  I use Numerous on my iPhone and its the best

These are the few suggestions I can think of right now that have helped me out a lot.  Please feel free to comment and tell me some ideas you have to help build this list.

I know that many of those who read this may not even know me or even know that I was using but again I am proud to say; I Walta have been sober from Meth for 132 days.   I'm proud of myself, and I will keep being strong. 

I urge anyone who is addicted and that is wanting to get sober to do it! Reach out to me if you need someone to talk to, I am always here for people!