Walta's Back!!

I haven't been on for awhile and posted anything.  In part because I don't have a laptop anymore, but also because I got so worked up in working.

Which is a horrible reason because I was using work as a distraction from my problems.  I think that is something I have always done.  Worked 50 to 70 hours a week in order to keep my mind off of things that are going on in my life.  Cuz when I am no working, I am left to my thoughts.  Thoughts that drive me up the wall!  

So I am back, back to release my thoughts.  To  open up to the world again.  To hopefully help not only myself, but others as well.

To  start with, today marks my 414 days clean from dope.  Something everyday I am so proud of.  It still is crazy to me that I ever allowed myself to get so addicted to something that I hated for so many years.  I still find it unbelievable that I spent so much money and time using something that did nothing but mask my feelings.  At the time it made sense, at the time it worked.

Now that I think about it, that is the same thing I am doing with work right now too.  Using work to mask my feelings.

Speaking about work, I have gotten myself a new job.  I left the nursing home that I worked at for over three years back in June and in July started working at another nursing home.  I love it there.  It is a lot of work at times, keeps me busy, but it also has me using more of my CMT skills and knowledge then I was before.  This new place has also helped me decided that trying for my LPN is the best thing for me to do to kick start my nursing career.  

So that is my plan for next August.  To hopefully be accepted to this accelerated LPN program from one of the best schools around me.

I am excited

I am nervous 

I am scared

But I am determined too!

Nursing is what I love, it is what I am passionate about, it is a job that I would love to wake up  and do every single day of the week.  It is where my heart is, so I must follow my heart!

Something I was always scared of doing; following my heart.

In the past my heart has lead me down painful pathways, but not this year.  2016 really has been the year for me.  I have finally put myself first and my happiness first and have been nothing but satisfied since then.  Putting myself first has allowed me to enjoyed my time, be happy with work, with friends, family, and in my new relationship.

Yes, that is right, I am not single.  

For once this is a relationship that wasn't rushed.  We met back in March and dated for months until I finally worked up the nerve to ask him to be my boyfriend on May 6th.   Dating him has been one of the best times of my life.  We never have a dull moment together.  We always laugh, talk, and adventure.

He's understanding.

He's caring.

He's outgoing.

He's funny.

He's adorable.

He's all mine.

I could talk about his for hours honestly, but I know that would just lead to me rambling.  So I wanted to end this out by saying I'm back!! Be ready for more post from me.  Hopefully ones that are helpful of course!

Feel free to comment, I would love to hear from some of those who read these.

What Christmas means to me

It is nearly Christmas day.  Is everyone ready?  Do you have all your presents wrapped? Tree up?  Food bought to prepare?

With those questions being asked I want to know, what does Christmas mean to you?

Does it mean lots of presents?

Does it mean a big dinner with family?

Or something else?

To me, Christmas means the year is nearly over.  It means it's nearly time to start a new year; time to start with a fresh slate.  Well not a completely fresh slate, but you get the idea.  

Have you heard of "New Year's Resolutions"?  How many of you have made them before and by the end of January have completely given up on them?  I know I have!  

That's why this year I want to try something different.  In stead of making New Year's resolutions, I just want to make a plan for my new year and follow through on it.  

"Well isn't that the same thing?" you may be asking.

Well, I don't think so.  You see, many people say "I want to quit smoking as my new years resolution"  and by the end of third day they go right back to smoking.

Where as, with my plan, I want to get a hospital job which means I have to quit to smoking since most hospitals in my area will not hire smokers.  So, instead of waiting till the first of year to "quit" smoking I went to my doctor to talk to him about what I should do medication wise to quit smoking.  He prescribed me Wellbutrin XL which has an off label use to help people quit smoking.  You smoke on it for the first week and then you stop and it helps control the mood problems that are associated with quitting smoking.

See the difference there? I planned ahead, I started working on my plan before the first of the year.  I Believe New Year's resolutions fail because people people think things can easily be instantly stopped.  Hell even if your resolution was going to be to quit shopping so much, do you really think you can just stop doing that because a new year started? 

My next step in my plan is to move out on my own again and into my own loft in downtown Kansas City.  Instead of waiting till the first of the year, I have already started looking around for places and have even set up an appointment to go view a few different lofts with this company called Mac Properties.  I told them that I wouldn't be moving in until at the latest March first but that I wanted to weigh my options out now and have plenty of time to decided. 

You see, Christmas is a magical time.  Not only because it brings families together, but it also means your year is almost over.  It means you get to start a new year with a chance to make major changes in your life.  Change is scary, which is why I think so many people fail at their "New Year's Resolutions".

So planning it out ahead of time, starting the change before the new year starts, and taking the steps slowly is, in my opinion, the best way to accomplish a new years resolution.

So although it is already New Year's Eve and this post took me a little longer to post then expected (sorry drowned myself in work to avoid issues at home) there is still plenty of time to plan out what you want to change next year and set that plan into motion.

With all that said, I want to wish all of my readers a (late) Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year's! I hope your Christmas' were magical and Santa brought you all that you wanted.  I also hope you all have a safe New Year's Eve and have the time of your life!  Make the start of 2015 something amazing so that way you have solid foundation to make the rest of the year something even more amazing!

That Moment to be Thankful For.

Today is the 27th which is the fourth Thursday of the month of November in the year 2014.

That basically means: Happy Thanksgiving readers!!!

If you happen to read this post after Thanksgiving, well then happen 

late Thanksgiving!

Well, or Turkey Day if that's what you want to call it.

But anyways, as tradition says: today is the day we enjoy time with families and loved ones being thankful for any and all reasons we have to be thankful for.  

We all have our different reasons for being thankful.  I remember when I was younger I use to always have that one teacher that would always have us either write what we were thankful for or would have us discuss it out loud.

I want to bring that back and do it again.  Obviously I will be writing what I'm thankful for and you all will be reading it, but please feel free to comment and say what your thankful for!

So here it goes!

I am thankful for many things.  To start.  I am thankful for my job.  I love the feeling I get from knowing I take care of people that not only need me but want me to care for them.  I am thankful that no matter how stressful and bad my day is going there is always at least one resident who will know somethings up with me that will remind me that care for me too.  

For example, I had a lady that I barely ever interact with because she is pretty independent call me into her room to say, "Walter, you have been quiet tonight, whats wrong?"

I was like, "Nothing, I'm good." and tried to fake a smile.

"You can try to lie to yourself all you want, but when I haven't heard you burp down the hall at least once in the shift or walk down the hall laughing with a smile on your face then I know something is wrong."  She replied, "I hope your night gets better Hun, tomorrows Thanksgiving.  It's time for you to put some meat on your bones!"  

This just showed me that my residents are able to see when I'm down and want me to be happier.  She put a smile on my face and even made my night a million times better after that.

I am also thankful for many of my coworkers.  We are all a major part of the bottom of the totem pole that holds are place up and together.  We work hard together, we work great together, we stand strong together, and we work through our problems together.  We might not get the recognition from corporate for what we do but we get the recognition from our residents.  Which in the end is all that matters because we are there for them, not for corporate.

I am thank for my friends.  Without you all I would lose my mind faster than anything.  You all are always there when I need someone to talk to ,  you all will always tell me what I need to hear (which isn't always what I want to hear), you all have stuck beside me through the dark year, and you all remain good friends to me.  The fact that you all are who you all are, for that I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my family.  All of my family, blood or not.  Here or gone.  For without family, I would be nothing.  I would not exist had family that is blood but gone not done their part and had family that was blood and still here not raised me I wouldn't be the man I am today.  I would be even more naive had my family that isn't blood but here not been here to open my eyes to the world as I never known it.  For all of my family, I am thankful.  I love each of you very much so, no matter if we are bickering or not.

I am thankful for my mom.  I know it's cliche' for people to be thankful for their mother, but I am.  She showed me through hard work, dedication, and determination that you can get through the hard times and into better, brighter, happier times.  Even if you fall right back into a hard time.  She showed me that you just have to pick yourself back up and get back through it.  She showed me that love is not just word spoken, but it is also sacrificing for the person who you are speaking the word to.  She showed me that love is sticking by the one you love and not giving up but working through things.  She showed me that love still exist even when you don't agree with ones way of life.

Finally, I am thankful that I have had my moment.  You see a moment is different for each person.  It's the moment that changes that persons life forever.  My moment was the night I quit using meth.  It was when I realized that I was truly above all the stupid, pointless, life ruining drugs that I had been using going as far back as when I was 17.  It was when I realized that if I wanted my life to get any better I was going to have to start working hard for it.  I had to make my life better.  I could no longer just sit around and wait for a better life to just happen.  I couldn't just keep depending on others to take care of everything for me.  I had to be independent.  I had to stand on my own two feet.  Now I'm far from 100% independent, but I'm working towards it.  I am fighting for my independence.  I'm fighting to bettering my life.

And that is why, my moment is what I'm most thankful for!

Well and my momma of course!

Dealing With Whats Your Closet

I don't know about you, but I know when I came out of the closet I proceeded to shut the closet door and leave all that stupid shit behind.  Well I'm slowly starting to see that is NOT the way to handle things.  I have been seeing a psychiatrist for a couple months now and in our last get together on Monday he asked me if I was seeing a therapist.  When I told him no he laughed and said, "So you complete by passed the therapist before coming to the psychiatrist?"  I sure in the hell did! I have a bad history with therapy where I was always told I was the cause of all the problems even though I was just an 8 year old child.  But I'm not going to allow my past to affect my now and my future so heavily.  This new therapist told me that it was time to talk and get those damn skeletons out of the closet so I will.  One by one for each meeting we have have weekly for now.

I recommend everyone does that.   Maybe you don't have the money for therapy, or the time, or even the desire to go see a therapist.  Create a blog and make that your therapy session.  This post here will be about my first skeleton.

My first skeleton is that I always feel lonely and unwanted.  Although I've never wanted to admit it, a big reason why I feel this way is because my real father wasn't in my life until I was 13 years old and then the moment he found out I was gay he split when I was 15.  Those two years we spent a lot of time together were great.  He showed me how much I love to golf, how amazing Minsky's Pizza is, and that video game golf was just as fun as the real deal.  Then he left. Disappeared.  Informed me he had his new family and his new kids and had done it write this time so he didn't need me or my sister anymore.

I thought I was find with this.  Hell I had gone 13 years without knowing the man I didn't think it would be much different now that he was gone again.

But my therapist pointed out how since that happened I seem to date or attempt to date guys that don't stick around past 3 weeks.  I do this because I think I can fix whatever the issue is that causes guys to leave after 3 weeks.  Subconsciously I'm doing this to try and fix my thoughts of being unwanted by my dad by choosing the same kinda douche bags that he is.

After my therapist said that, it made since.  That is something I do.  As soon as I meet a guy I tell them about my three week curse then upon three weeks when they wanna split I do everything in my power to try and fix whatever it is that's causing them to wanna leave.  When  in reality it's just because were not compatible, it was nothing to do with me like I think, but everything to do with chemistry.

I will say this in my defense.  Since I got sober from Meth on July 4, 2014, I have dealt with only one guy who has showed the whole 3 week curse.  But he needed to be gone anyways because he wasn't good for me anyways.

And yes I said since I got sober from Meth on July 4th of this year! 131 days! My next post will be about how I did it and tips to help you or a friend or loved one!

I leave you know with this quote that I have no clue where it came from or who said it but they couldn't have been anymore more right:
"You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one"

Think over that one until my next post.who read my posts!

Thanks always & forever!
Walter Moore

By My Side

Still working hard to get the Poem section of the blog up and running!

Whats your favorite idea for a "name" for the section? Comment and let me know!

Poems

Poetry

Poetry Corner

WaMoo-Poems-4-You

Any other ideas are welcome!! Like I've said before this isn't going to be a poetry spot for just me it will be for EVERYONE to have a place to show their talent and skill!

After spending many days going through all my drives, e.i. Google Drive, Dropbox, Box, Skydrive, I finally was able to locate the other poem I recently wrote!! I also found my final draft of "The Thief" which I truly love!

Today I will be attaching my other poem for y'all to read.  "The Thief" final copy will be revealed on the poem sections opening day :)

By My Side

As I lay here,

You by my side,

A mind full of fear,

A heart on a ride.

My joy is right here,

My pain has to hide,

I hold back a tear,

Fake a smile so wide,

To you it must seem mere,

The thoughts locked inside,

Though this one should be clear,

I’ll announce it with pride:

Baby, forever I'll lay here,

If you're by my side

The Thief

I haven’t quite mastered the “Poem" section of the blog so until this I will just periodically post poems here until it is all figured out.  This here is the first, true, non-school related poem I ever wrote.  I wrote it for the love of my life.  The poem probably won’t make any sense, with many errors, but that's life.  I’m proud of my poem and the way it relays it’s message.  Hope y’all somewhat enjoy it! Here is goes!

The Thief

By: Walter Moore

No thief of one’s money

nor silver of gold

He’ll leave you your jewelry

Both new and the old

When he sees what he wants

He goes for it fast

His voice is what charms you

Making time dance on past

Your end is his stories

That show his past pain

From this moment on

The Thief's on your brain

With both your souls open

Arms around each other

You’ll gaze in his eyes

As he pulls you closer

He’ll caress of your back

Your spine gets a chill

You feel both hearts racing

Then succumbing to their will

It’s behind these closed doors

That lust turns to passion

From this moment on

The Thief’s your attraction

You know you're in love

While your hand in hand

Wrapped up in his arms

Your dreams growing so grand

His breath fully wakes you

Each one tickles your ear

You still think you’re dreaming

There is no way he’s here

As time really goes fast

to him you stake claim

From this moment on

The Thief holds your flame

The time so far shared

May only equal a week

But each day your love grows

With him perfection you seek

But some thoughts are just dreams

Twas just your misery taunting

He starts to withdraw

A smile so haunting

You two fight and y’all argue

Both words cause such a fray

From this moment on

The Thief has the say

From your life he then walked

Your happiness went with him

While stuck in your bed

You feel life turn grim

Pour your heart into letters

Praying your cries he’ll hear

Your mind plays a cruel game

Making love feel so near

With one last attempt

You bare him your soul

From this moment on

The Thief makes you whole

Your friends and your family

Lovingly give you such grief

For they just can’t see

Why you love the thief

He’s no crook nor a bad guy

He’s just like us all

What they do not know

Is this was all Fate’s call

You weren't in control

In the end or the start

From that moment on

The Thief stole your heart  <3