The Bottle

When many people hear “the bottle” they automatically assume it means someone has been “hitting the bottle” and getting drunk.  Which in a way is very much so true.  The real bottle that needs to be discussed is what is hiding in the internal bottle that is making that person down that bottle to get drunk?  What many people don’t understand or want to admit is that behind each and every drug addiction there is at least one bottle, if not multiple, that has been filled with a bad memory with the emotions it brings up, wide tightly twisted on, and placed away in one’s mind to be forgotten about.

Yet, it’s never fully forgotten about.
The emotions never fully go away.
They are just masked by the drugs, by the booze, by the working, or by whatever addiction that person is suffering form.  In order to deal with the addiction, the bottles have to be dealt with as well.  Through therapy, through talking about it, in whatever matter works best for that person!  For me it has been therapy and blogging.
These two outlets have helped me deal with my meth addiction, my sex addiction, and many other things.

My sex addiction hasn't been quite discussed on my blog much because part of me wanted to believe that I was only having sex a lot because of the meth.  I have now realized I cannot continue to blame meth when my sex addiction goes back much further than my meth addiction.  Now I have always been addicted to something or other at some point since I was 17.  I would go two to five months at a time without being addicted or using something above weed, but none the less I have dealt with addiction since I was 17.

I have carried around many bottles on my shoulders (deep in my mind) since I was 17.

Before I get too far off track, my sex addiction, has become more clear to me because I can look back and realize I had so many flings, one night stands, super short term boyfriends, fuck buddies, and what have you because it was my way with dealing with feelings of loneliness.  A feeling I got after my real father left my life again.  So, I had sex.  A lot.

And I’m sorry mom for whenever you read this but I feel it is best for me to simply but it out there.

To put it into perspective for you all.  I didn't lose my virginity until I was almost 18 years old (right around the same time I was getting all my DWIs).  From the age of 18 to the age of 21 and a half when I started working at my current job I had sex with approximately 40 guys, give or take ten.  Hell honestly I had lost count until one evening when me and a nurse decided we were going to come up with out “list” so we could know our number.  He is 15 years my senior and his number was less than double digits.  My numbers had grown higher than the amount of years he was old in four years.

Once I started working at my job, my numbers steadily went up.  It is to the point now that I couldn’t even begin to tell you the number of guys I have had sex with.  To be completely safe and honest, the number is probably in the 100’s.

I remember in one day, I was so depressed and lonely after my ex and I had ended things for our last time, I had sex with four different guys in a matter of 24 hours.

Now I now saying all this is going to have people judging me or thinking I’m so STD infested person, but I’m not.  I am clean, get tested every three months, and am not the sexual whore I was.  Since I quit using meth I was still being a whore.  That’s how I know I couldn't blame meth, it was after my therapy appoint where I finally opened and dealt with my bottle causing my loneliness that I haven’t had the urge or need to have sex with anyone.  Yes I still get horny, but I think since I’m a guy that is a curse I will always have to deal with.  Now I redirect my hormones into being productive. Into blogging, coming up with new ways to blog (aka the YouTube video plans), or into working on projects at work.  Now I am only sexually active with one person, the only person I want to be sexually active with.

Now I know this blog is going to upset a lot of guys, a lot of guys I have pretty much been playing.  To you guys, I am so very sorry.  For someone who has been played and used by guys I shouldn't have ever done that to you guys, but I did.  I would understand completely if you guys were to defriend me on Facebook, delete my number from your phones, or completely just cut me out of your lives.  I understand that, I can’t take back what I have done.  All I can do is tell you that I am truly, wholeheartedly, 100% sorry for what I have done to you.  For lying.  For leading.  For playing.  For using.

This opening up about my sex addiction is my way of showing that once you deal with the bottles causing the addictions, you will be able to deal with the addictions.  Addiction isn't something that is easy to deal with.  We all need help in some way with dealing with them.  We can’t do it alone so don’t be afraid to ask for help! After you detox, after you rehab, you will need therapy.  Some people don’t need the rehab part, they are able to detox and not use again, if they go through therapy and talk to someone.

Therapy has saved my life, therapy has showed me that it is better to open the bottles and deal with the emotions and memories that it is to allow those bottles to weigh on your shoulders for the rest of your life.


I write this blog today after a conversation with a certain loved one of mine.  When you read this, I hope you know I do love you.  With all my heart.  No matter how my blogs prior to this one have talked about you, I will always want the best for you.  I will always be here to help you through the dark times.  Because you are someone I know can take over the world and will once you get your head right!  These dark times can be concurred together.  I love you forever and for always!

Other ways to follow ME!

So for all those people who read my blogs every time I post one I want to say THANK YOU!!! You guys are why I am doing this blog.  This blog isn't just to help me express my emotions, feelings, discuss my troubles, or just vent.  This blog is also to hopefully reach out to those who have or are struggling with some of the same things that I discuss in my blogs.  So knowing that you all are reading my blog lets me know that maybe one day I will be able to help someone somewhere!! So please continue to read, tell your friends, share my blog link to your friends.  I am not ashamed of what I will discuss on here and am happy to have anyone anywhere read along!

This brings me to something exciting I want to start doing that I will start working on today!  I'm going to start using my YouTube channel as a way for you all to see how my day to day life is like.  Mainly in the beginning, or possibly the entire time, the videos will be of me driving.  Showing you how frustrating my Intoxalock system can be, but also show you my more fun, crazy, entertaining side that comes out when I'm driving alone in my car.

I look forward to getting to show off my more fun side and to hopefully get lots of fun feedback about it!  So I hope you all will start checking out my YouTube channel (which I believe the link is https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPIen7FbUFcIQ7Z6iwg6PiA ) but if anyone isn't able to see anything let me know!

I'm excited about this and have got to cut this blog short to get ready for work and possibly record the first video!

Thanks for reading my readers!

Dear Walter

Dear Walter A Moore I,

I am writing you this letter to clear up the air, to clear up my heart, and to hopefully clear up my future.  Originally I was going to write a "Dear Dad" letter but then I realized, I would be calling you the wrong thing.  At the most, "Dear Sperm Donor" would be good enough.  Out of respect I shall just write this as a normal letter with your name in it.

Where shall I begin?  Well first off I want to thank you for the few years of my life you were actually present and active in my life!  I grew up thinking mom had either adopted Nicole and I or that she was some how like the virgin Mary except without giving birth to God's children.  So when you were actually present it let me know where I had came from and allowed me to see the part of me that I had never known.

The good years were from 13 to 15.  We spent almost every weekend together, and every other Tuesday or Thursday together.  I can't honestly remember for sure off the top of my head because those two years and you were both buried into a cement cell in my head.

This cement cell has affected me more in life then I thought it would when I first created it at the age of 15.  I would have never thought back then that such a cell would weigh so much on my shoulders.

When I was 15, you bounced.  Again.  From my life.  No real reason was given.  I can only assume its because you checked your web browser history, saw that I was checking out gay blogs on xanga.com, and couldn't handle having a gay son.  This is fine.  Many people can't handle it.  Hell mom and I have just recently started talking about boys and dating and what have you with one another.  She found out I was gay when I was 16.  It might have taken about 7 years for the communication lines to open up but at least they did.  She didn't run.  She's strong.

When you left me for the second time, you did a word of damage that I never wanted to admit until now.  Now I have trust issues, relationship issues, drug issues, alcohol issues, and love issues.

I can't trust many people because I'm always afraid they are going to leave me just like you have.  I have had numerous friends, guys, hell even jobs since I was 15 and nearly all of them have been like revolving doors in my life because I have no trust.  No faith.

I have relationship issues because I go for guys who are just like you.  Which is surprising because I have always said I would never date a black guy because I would feel like I was dating you.  I may not have ever dated a black guy, but I have dated more guys that are like you than I'm happy to admit.  I date the guys that are pieces of shit, that are users, abusers, scum, and no good.  I date them because I'm convinced that I can change them.  I can make them better, I can make them amazing people, I can make them want to stay with me past 3 weeks.

Needless to say this is far from true.

But I don't want you to think I have always dated POS guys.  No, I have actually dated a handful of really great amazing guys.  Ones that treated me right, cared about me, wanted to be with me.  You want to know what I did with those guys? I sabotaged things.  I cheated, I lied, I became just like you in order to mess things up because I knew deep down they would run just like you.

I have had more drug addictions since the day you left than you can ever imagine.  Every last one of them was to fill the void that not having my father around left me.  Drugs masked the pain I felt deep down.  The loneliness I felt, the emptiness I felt all could be avoid by using drugs.  I am proud to say that I was able to conquer that issue on my own.  143 days sober as of today.

Alcohol was always my original way to handle to fact that you left me again.  Alcohol also one of the major things that destroyed my life.  Do you remember our last conversation we ever had?  I was 18 and was trying to tell you the outcome of my DWI cases.  You were under the impression I wanted money from you.  I might be a little stuck up in life, I might like the finer things, but never have I just wanted money from you.  I could careless about your money, I was just telling you what was going on in my life.  Although I'm not sure why because at that point you had your new family, your new daughter and son and didn't need me anymore remember?

Love is something I don't really think I know what the true meaning is.  Parents are who are suppose to show their children what love is.  Mom did her best to show me, but being a single parent for awhile meant she had to work a lot to take care of two kids because child support wasn't happening.  Yes she got remarried, but by that point my definition of love was already defined within my young mind.

Although you weren't there you still had a major impact in my life.  An impact I wish wasn't true.  You are truly a person I wish I could forget about.  That task is impossible to do because daily I am reminded of you just when I hear my name.  When I look in the mirror.  I think through my past and I have done things that you have done in your past.   Drank like a fish, smoked cigarettes, lied, cheated, and ditched.

This letter was not meant to be a bitch session.  A blame you for everything type.  No, this letter is to say I forgive you.  I understand you and mom couldn't stay together because the love was gone.  I know you had to do what was best for you.  I admire that, because I too want to do whats best for me.  This is why I am whole-heartedly forgive you.

This letter is to say I wish you the best.  This is where I would like to completely part ways.  I ask that  you please don't message me on Facebook anymore on my birthday or ask mom for my number to tell me happy birthday.  Or any other holiday you deem important enough to contact me.  I no longer harbor resentment for you, I no longer harbor anger or hatred for you.  I know you did what was best for you.  You didn't know the long term affects of those choices but being one of the individuals affected by your choices I won't let them affect me anymore.

I hope your life is good.  I hope your family is good.  I hope you live a long and happy life Walter.

Sincerely,

Walter A Moore II

Just One of Those Days...

Today turned out to be one of those days for me.  I got plenty of sleep last night, slept good, woke up on time and was at work nice and on time.

It's not that I was a bad mood...sad mood...happy mood....or anything like that....I just felt blah.

I wasn't my usual perky morning person, I was just another body in the crowd; which that I a am far from being.  I truly am one of a kind in many ways.  Most anyone who knows me will tell you they could never forget who I am and they always know when I'm around.  Today, however, was totally different.

I felt off.

I felt there but not.

I felt myself over working myself before I could have the chance to over work myself.

So I had a coworker who wanted to come in and work anyways come in and work for me so that I could leave and I knew my last feeling was right.  Even though I still have two shifts left I was already at 34.something hours. Had I stayed tonight it would have put me at close to, if not barely over, 40 hours.  Although I have worked 60 hour weeks here recently, it was when I started having more and more break downs from just sheer exhaustion.

I've noticed something I do even since I quit using Meth; I started using work as my distraction from wanting to use.  I also used work as a distraction from my loneliness I feel when I hang out in my room alone during the day.

By "using work as a distraction"  I mean picking up shifts, coming in early, working a lot of doubles or my days off just to keep myself from having to sit at home alone left to my thoughts.

So I've started this habit of picking up more and more hours at my job, which in turns typically leads me to exhaustion and episodes of depression; I trade my meth addiction for a work addiction.

Which the work addiction is surprisingly harder for me to quit than my meth addiction was.

This is because when I'm at work, I feel wanted, needed, and even at rare times I feel appreciated.  Being at work fills the loneliness I get when I'm at home.  See I don't do my job for the money, or the "job security", or any of those other dumb reasons people get into nursing.  I do my job because I love help people, love to care for people, and love being in the medical field.

At my job, sometimes the workers are all the resident has.  We are like their family.  So naturally you want to be around your family like 24/7 right?

Of course not.  Just like with everything else in life, you should never be around or do something for 24 hours straight every day of the week.  You must take breaks, you must enjoy your time off, and you must relax.

This is something I need to work on doing, taking breaks and relaxing.

So now that I know my feelings earlier were just those "one of those days" feelings, I feel better since I can identify the issue.  Now the question is, to come up with a solution that is good for me.

Until next time!

Walta

July 4th, 2014, when change first began

Being that today is November 13th, 2014 it has been 132 days since I got sober from Meth, Tina, Party, or whatever name you may know it by.  132 days is a small feat it may seem but to me I am quite proud of every day that passes by for increasing my sobriety number.  

Although I was not addicted to meth for as long as some people are, I was already starting to loss control of my addiction.   Everyone says that you got to control your addiction and not let it control you.

That doesn't happen, eventually all addictions take control of their lives.

Mine started with just using when I needed to stay awake for long periods of time studying or doing whatever.  But I would only do a small amount every few days when needed.  Then I started having finals in my summer courses of college so I needed to stay awake for a few days at a time and study or work on projects.  Then I met my ex boyfriend, which was a heavy daily user.  Which then allowed me to release control of my addiction to it's self; It was then that my addiction took control of me.

I won't name names of to who my ex is, out of respect and privacy, but we will refer to him as he, or him, or his

He would want to smoke all day every day, so we would.  I went from doing 0.4 grams every 3 or for days to doing a teener (1.75 grams) a day with him.  I was in love.  I thought I was in love.  I thought he was the one for me.  It took me a long time to realize he wasn't.  Even after you told me to my face he would choose meth over me any day, I still believed he cared for me the way I did for him.

But that is a different story.

Anyways..
after mine and his many break ups I started using uncontrollably.  I stayed up for days and days on in staying awake and either painting, playing on the computer, or whoring out in my room.  Things for me continued to spiral out of control for me until I finally took a moment to sit back and thank of all the people I know who had been using for years, him (my ex) included.  I did not to turn out like them, I had bigger plans for my life.  So I flushed what I had left, broke my pipes and all paraphernalia (or however the word is spelt) and never looked back.

To me, that is how I get about quitting drugs, I just quit doing them.

Things for you might be different.  But quitting is something everyone can do! No matter how long you have been using you can quit! I'm no expert but let me give you a couple suggestions:

Walta's Suggestions for Getting Sober:

• Make sure you don't try to quit unless you truly fully want to quit using whatever drug it may be you are using
• Destroy all objects that were utensils in your use
• Build a support system, if you don't have anyone that knows you are using and don't use themselves, tell them and tell them you need them to be there to support you.
• Sleep for three days.  No matter what your using, it's said that the first three days of recovery are the worse so why not sleep through them if possible? Take time off work or even school so you can sleep
• Be willing and able to talk about your addiction. Be that Narcotics Anonymous , a therapist or counselor, or even a blog.  So way that allows you to get things off your chest
• Download an app that counts for you and shows your how many days you have been sober.  I use Numerous on my iPhone and its the best

These are the few suggestions I can think of right now that have helped me out a lot.  Please feel free to comment and tell me some ideas you have to help build this list.

I know that many of those who read this may not even know me or even know that I was using but again I am proud to say; I Walta have been sober from Meth for 132 days.   I'm proud of myself, and I will keep being strong. 

I urge anyone who is addicted and that is wanting to get sober to do it! Reach out to me if you need someone to talk to, I am always here for people!

Dealing With Whats Your Closet

I don't know about you, but I know when I came out of the closet I proceeded to shut the closet door and leave all that stupid shit behind.  Well I'm slowly starting to see that is NOT the way to handle things.  I have been seeing a psychiatrist for a couple months now and in our last get together on Monday he asked me if I was seeing a therapist.  When I told him no he laughed and said, "So you complete by passed the therapist before coming to the psychiatrist?"  I sure in the hell did! I have a bad history with therapy where I was always told I was the cause of all the problems even though I was just an 8 year old child.  But I'm not going to allow my past to affect my now and my future so heavily.  This new therapist told me that it was time to talk and get those damn skeletons out of the closet so I will.  One by one for each meeting we have have weekly for now.

I recommend everyone does that.   Maybe you don't have the money for therapy, or the time, or even the desire to go see a therapist.  Create a blog and make that your therapy session.  This post here will be about my first skeleton.

My first skeleton is that I always feel lonely and unwanted.  Although I've never wanted to admit it, a big reason why I feel this way is because my real father wasn't in my life until I was 13 years old and then the moment he found out I was gay he split when I was 15.  Those two years we spent a lot of time together were great.  He showed me how much I love to golf, how amazing Minsky's Pizza is, and that video game golf was just as fun as the real deal.  Then he left. Disappeared.  Informed me he had his new family and his new kids and had done it write this time so he didn't need me or my sister anymore.

I thought I was find with this.  Hell I had gone 13 years without knowing the man I didn't think it would be much different now that he was gone again.

But my therapist pointed out how since that happened I seem to date or attempt to date guys that don't stick around past 3 weeks.  I do this because I think I can fix whatever the issue is that causes guys to leave after 3 weeks.  Subconsciously I'm doing this to try and fix my thoughts of being unwanted by my dad by choosing the same kinda douche bags that he is.

After my therapist said that, it made since.  That is something I do.  As soon as I meet a guy I tell them about my three week curse then upon three weeks when they wanna split I do everything in my power to try and fix whatever it is that's causing them to wanna leave.  When  in reality it's just because were not compatible, it was nothing to do with me like I think, but everything to do with chemistry.

I will say this in my defense.  Since I got sober from Meth on July 4, 2014, I have dealt with only one guy who has showed the whole 3 week curse.  But he needed to be gone anyways because he wasn't good for me anyways.

And yes I said since I got sober from Meth on July 4th of this year! 131 days! My next post will be about how I did it and tips to help you or a friend or loved one!

I leave you know with this quote that I have no clue where it came from or who said it but they couldn't have been anymore more right:
"You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one"

Think over that one until my next post.who read my posts!

Thanks always & forever!
Walter Moore

Change It...

Long time without a post, let me not waste a single moment boring you with the details as to why I was silent for so long.  Instead, I will dive right into something I have been grappling with the past three months, that I truly believe is the cause for many issues we all deal with.  

On May 28th, 2014 the news of Maya Angelou's passing spread across the world.  At the age of 86 years old, her death was quite sad but could not have come as much of a shock since Maya had lived a long powerful life.  She touched everyone hearts in someway, shape, or form whether or not they knew it.  Throughout her life, she held many jobs but was vastly known for her writing abilities.  After writing 7 autobiographies, numerous Essays, poems, plays, and screenplays for  both TV and movies Maya was asked on numerous occasions to deliver her power speeches, that also let one to think, at major events.  Most notably at President Barack Obama's Inauguration.

It was during these powerful public speeches that Maya would deliver power statements that, in my opinion, should be changing the world.  The one that a sticks with me the strongest is:

if you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, then change your attitude about it.

This statement is one that should be taught right along with the golden rule.  Living by this statement would make life a million times easier to live.

Think about it!

Historically, if something came about that we did not like, we typically just complain or bitch about it.  We grip and complain to our friends about it with the mentality that someone else will fix what we do not like.  Why is that though?  Why do we expect others to change something for us?  Clearly Maya thought as I do that when it comes to things we do not like it is up to US to change it.

And if you can't change it??

Then change your attitude about it! For although you may not have control of the "something" you do not like, you do have control of you and your opinions/views/thoughts about things.  If you change your attitude about something then maybe you will see things through a different light, a more positive light. Maybe even learn something new! 

Let's be real, no one wants to be a negative nancy all the time, its not good for the soul :)