Dear Momma,

Dear Momma,

It's me, your baby boy, here to write you a letter different than anything I have been able to say to you in person.

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To start out, I want to thank you for being the hardworking, caring, loving, and wise mother that you are.  I want to thank you for being patience with me while I try to grow and mature.  I want to thank you for being the forgiving woman that you are to me no matter how many bad things I do.  I want to thank you for being the example of strength to me as you don't let any hard times keep you down or hold you back in life.

On that note, I want to begin by saying I'm sorry.  I'm sorry I have done you wrong many times.  I'm sorry I have acted like a spoiled brat so much in my life.  I'm sorry that I can not be exactly like you.

And for once, I am not saying that in a sarcastic way like I normally would during a fight.  I am saying that from the bottom of my heart because I no matter how hard I try, I am unable to be like you in the way of your strength.  I let hard times keep me down; I let hard times hold me back in life.  I am unable to be strong through the hard times to see that the grass in greener on the other side.

Although, I am able to say that thanks to you, I am able to start learning how to harness my inner strength to get through the hard times.  Everyday, even if you don't see it, you are showing me how to beacon of strength for a family that is meant to be a sitcom on T.V.

For example, last night you showed me how you are able to be strong enough to forgive me for stealing your $100 dollar birthday money last year.  I couldn't lie to you anymore about it, and I am truly sorry for what I did.  I know you are understanding and forgiving to me because I was on drugs at the time I stole it; to me that is not an excuse though.  Being on drugs or not, I should have never stolen your money.  You do everything for me and I took a present given to you to give yourself a break from all you do.  I will pay you back for that, I promise you that with all my heart.

With interest.

I know I usually am not the best at paying you back, but this time I truly mean it.

You have been nothing but an amazing women.  You have sacrificed your life for your family.  You took time off of work to be there with your recovering children.  Before taking time off, you still spent every moment you weren't working at the hospital with at least one of your children.  Before any of your children were hospitalized, you spent every day: waking up your grown kids, giving them rides to work or school, paying bills for everyone, and anything else you were needed to do.

As I type you are driving two of your kids around to appointments before you have to work tonight.

That is love.  

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For Christmas I bought you a necklace that says "Mom is the Heart of Our Family" because it is so true.  The heart works to get blood throughout the body to keep it going.  Which is what you do; you work to keep everyone you love going, growing, and getting through the dark times.  Without you I know our family would fall apart.  We would not be able to keep going.

You are someone we can all always call on or come to just to talk about things.  Someone to come to for advice.  Someone to come to for help and guidance.  Someone who is willing to be accepting and understanding of things you may not agree with.  Someone we all need in our own special way.  

So Mom, I want to write you this, knowing my siblings would agree with me in telling you that we appreciate you, we admire you, we aspire to be half the person you are, we aim to make you proud, and we love you with all of our hearts.

Image found with Bing

Sincerely,

Your baby boy Walter

  

Nicki Minaj - Bed Of Lies (Official Audio) (Feat. Skylar Grey)

This song is just so true. To all. In many different ways.  Preformed perfectly.

"Bed Of Lies"
(feat. Skylar Grey)

Do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?
And I knew better than to look in your eyes
They only pretend you would be mine
And oh how you made me believe
You had me caught in every web that you weave
But do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?


You could never make eye contact
Everything you got was based off of my contacts
You a fraud, but I'mma remain icon-stat
Balenciaga's on my boots with the python strap
You was caught up in the rush, and you was caught up in the thrill of it
You was with me way before I hit a quarter mil' in it
Put you in the crib and you ain't never pay a bill in it
I was killin' it, man you got me poppin' pills in it
I told Baby hit you, I said this nigga buggin'
Cause I was doing it for us, I told 'em fuck the public
Couldn't believe that I was home alone contemplating
Overdosin', no more coastin', no more toastin' over oceans
They say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
They say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn
But there was something I should've asked all along
I'mma ask on the song


Do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?
And I knew better than to look in your eyes
They only pretend you would be mine
And oh how you made me believe
You had me caught in every web that you weave
But do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?


I just figured if you saw me, if you looked in my eyes
You'd remember our connection and be freed from the lies
I just figured I was something that you couldn't replace
But there was just a blank stare and I couldn't relate
I just couldn't understand and I couldn't defend
What we had, what we shared, and I couldn't pretend
When the tears roll down it's like you ain't even notice em
If you had a heart, I was hoping you that would've showed it some
What the fuck you really telling me, what you telling me
I could tell you lying, get the fuck out, don't yell at me
I ain't mean to cut you, I ain't wanna catch a felony
This ain't How To Be A Player, you ain't Bill Bellamy
They say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
They say that your darkest hour come before your dawn
But there was something that I should've asked all along
I'mma ask on the song


So does she know I've been in that bed before
A thousand count, and not a single thread of truth
If I was just another girl
Then I'm ashamed to say that I'm not over you
There's one thing I need to know
So call me, when you're not so busy just thinking of yourself


Do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?
And I knew better than to look in your eyes
They only pretend you would be mine
And oh how you made me believe
You had me caught in every web that you weave
But do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?

That Moment to be Thankful For.

Today is the 27th which is the fourth Thursday of the month of November in the year 2014.

That basically means: Happy Thanksgiving readers!!!

If you happen to read this post after Thanksgiving, well then happen 

late Thanksgiving!

Well, or Turkey Day if that's what you want to call it.

But anyways, as tradition says: today is the day we enjoy time with families and loved ones being thankful for any and all reasons we have to be thankful for.  

We all have our different reasons for being thankful.  I remember when I was younger I use to always have that one teacher that would always have us either write what we were thankful for or would have us discuss it out loud.

I want to bring that back and do it again.  Obviously I will be writing what I'm thankful for and you all will be reading it, but please feel free to comment and say what your thankful for!

So here it goes!

I am thankful for many things.  To start.  I am thankful for my job.  I love the feeling I get from knowing I take care of people that not only need me but want me to care for them.  I am thankful that no matter how stressful and bad my day is going there is always at least one resident who will know somethings up with me that will remind me that care for me too.  

For example, I had a lady that I barely ever interact with because she is pretty independent call me into her room to say, "Walter, you have been quiet tonight, whats wrong?"

I was like, "Nothing, I'm good." and tried to fake a smile.

"You can try to lie to yourself all you want, but when I haven't heard you burp down the hall at least once in the shift or walk down the hall laughing with a smile on your face then I know something is wrong."  She replied, "I hope your night gets better Hun, tomorrows Thanksgiving.  It's time for you to put some meat on your bones!"  

This just showed me that my residents are able to see when I'm down and want me to be happier.  She put a smile on my face and even made my night a million times better after that.

I am also thankful for many of my coworkers.  We are all a major part of the bottom of the totem pole that holds are place up and together.  We work hard together, we work great together, we stand strong together, and we work through our problems together.  We might not get the recognition from corporate for what we do but we get the recognition from our residents.  Which in the end is all that matters because we are there for them, not for corporate.

I am thank for my friends.  Without you all I would lose my mind faster than anything.  You all are always there when I need someone to talk to ,  you all will always tell me what I need to hear (which isn't always what I want to hear), you all have stuck beside me through the dark year, and you all remain good friends to me.  The fact that you all are who you all are, for that I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my family.  All of my family, blood or not.  Here or gone.  For without family, I would be nothing.  I would not exist had family that is blood but gone not done their part and had family that was blood and still here not raised me I wouldn't be the man I am today.  I would be even more naive had my family that isn't blood but here not been here to open my eyes to the world as I never known it.  For all of my family, I am thankful.  I love each of you very much so, no matter if we are bickering or not.

I am thankful for my mom.  I know it's cliche' for people to be thankful for their mother, but I am.  She showed me through hard work, dedication, and determination that you can get through the hard times and into better, brighter, happier times.  Even if you fall right back into a hard time.  She showed me that you just have to pick yourself back up and get back through it.  She showed me that love is not just word spoken, but it is also sacrificing for the person who you are speaking the word to.  She showed me that love is sticking by the one you love and not giving up but working through things.  She showed me that love still exist even when you don't agree with ones way of life.

Finally, I am thankful that I have had my moment.  You see a moment is different for each person.  It's the moment that changes that persons life forever.  My moment was the night I quit using meth.  It was when I realized that I was truly above all the stupid, pointless, life ruining drugs that I had been using going as far back as when I was 17.  It was when I realized that if I wanted my life to get any better I was going to have to start working hard for it.  I had to make my life better.  I could no longer just sit around and wait for a better life to just happen.  I couldn't just keep depending on others to take care of everything for me.  I had to be independent.  I had to stand on my own two feet.  Now I'm far from 100% independent, but I'm working towards it.  I am fighting for my independence.  I'm fighting to bettering my life.

And that is why, my moment is what I'm most thankful for!

Well and my momma of course!

Dear Walter

Dear Walter A Moore I,

I am writing you this letter to clear up the air, to clear up my heart, and to hopefully clear up my future.  Originally I was going to write a "Dear Dad" letter but then I realized, I would be calling you the wrong thing.  At the most, "Dear Sperm Donor" would be good enough.  Out of respect I shall just write this as a normal letter with your name in it.

Where shall I begin?  Well first off I want to thank you for the few years of my life you were actually present and active in my life!  I grew up thinking mom had either adopted Nicole and I or that she was some how like the virgin Mary except without giving birth to God's children.  So when you were actually present it let me know where I had came from and allowed me to see the part of me that I had never known.

The good years were from 13 to 15.  We spent almost every weekend together, and every other Tuesday or Thursday together.  I can't honestly remember for sure off the top of my head because those two years and you were both buried into a cement cell in my head.

This cement cell has affected me more in life then I thought it would when I first created it at the age of 15.  I would have never thought back then that such a cell would weigh so much on my shoulders.

When I was 15, you bounced.  Again.  From my life.  No real reason was given.  I can only assume its because you checked your web browser history, saw that I was checking out gay blogs on xanga.com, and couldn't handle having a gay son.  This is fine.  Many people can't handle it.  Hell mom and I have just recently started talking about boys and dating and what have you with one another.  She found out I was gay when I was 16.  It might have taken about 7 years for the communication lines to open up but at least they did.  She didn't run.  She's strong.

When you left me for the second time, you did a word of damage that I never wanted to admit until now.  Now I have trust issues, relationship issues, drug issues, alcohol issues, and love issues.

I can't trust many people because I'm always afraid they are going to leave me just like you have.  I have had numerous friends, guys, hell even jobs since I was 15 and nearly all of them have been like revolving doors in my life because I have no trust.  No faith.

I have relationship issues because I go for guys who are just like you.  Which is surprising because I have always said I would never date a black guy because I would feel like I was dating you.  I may not have ever dated a black guy, but I have dated more guys that are like you than I'm happy to admit.  I date the guys that are pieces of shit, that are users, abusers, scum, and no good.  I date them because I'm convinced that I can change them.  I can make them better, I can make them amazing people, I can make them want to stay with me past 3 weeks.

Needless to say this is far from true.

But I don't want you to think I have always dated POS guys.  No, I have actually dated a handful of really great amazing guys.  Ones that treated me right, cared about me, wanted to be with me.  You want to know what I did with those guys? I sabotaged things.  I cheated, I lied, I became just like you in order to mess things up because I knew deep down they would run just like you.

I have had more drug addictions since the day you left than you can ever imagine.  Every last one of them was to fill the void that not having my father around left me.  Drugs masked the pain I felt deep down.  The loneliness I felt, the emptiness I felt all could be avoid by using drugs.  I am proud to say that I was able to conquer that issue on my own.  143 days sober as of today.

Alcohol was always my original way to handle to fact that you left me again.  Alcohol also one of the major things that destroyed my life.  Do you remember our last conversation we ever had?  I was 18 and was trying to tell you the outcome of my DWI cases.  You were under the impression I wanted money from you.  I might be a little stuck up in life, I might like the finer things, but never have I just wanted money from you.  I could careless about your money, I was just telling you what was going on in my life.  Although I'm not sure why because at that point you had your new family, your new daughter and son and didn't need me anymore remember?

Love is something I don't really think I know what the true meaning is.  Parents are who are suppose to show their children what love is.  Mom did her best to show me, but being a single parent for awhile meant she had to work a lot to take care of two kids because child support wasn't happening.  Yes she got remarried, but by that point my definition of love was already defined within my young mind.

Although you weren't there you still had a major impact in my life.  An impact I wish wasn't true.  You are truly a person I wish I could forget about.  That task is impossible to do because daily I am reminded of you just when I hear my name.  When I look in the mirror.  I think through my past and I have done things that you have done in your past.   Drank like a fish, smoked cigarettes, lied, cheated, and ditched.

This letter was not meant to be a bitch session.  A blame you for everything type.  No, this letter is to say I forgive you.  I understand you and mom couldn't stay together because the love was gone.  I know you had to do what was best for you.  I admire that, because I too want to do whats best for me.  This is why I am whole-heartedly forgive you.

This letter is to say I wish you the best.  This is where I would like to completely part ways.  I ask that  you please don't message me on Facebook anymore on my birthday or ask mom for my number to tell me happy birthday.  Or any other holiday you deem important enough to contact me.  I no longer harbor resentment for you, I no longer harbor anger or hatred for you.  I know you did what was best for you.  You didn't know the long term affects of those choices but being one of the individuals affected by your choices I won't let them affect me anymore.

I hope your life is good.  I hope your family is good.  I hope you live a long and happy life Walter.

Sincerely,

Walter A Moore II

By My Side

Still working hard to get the Poem section of the blog up and running!

Whats your favorite idea for a "name" for the section? Comment and let me know!

Poems

Poetry

Poetry Corner

WaMoo-Poems-4-You

Any other ideas are welcome!! Like I've said before this isn't going to be a poetry spot for just me it will be for EVERYONE to have a place to show their talent and skill!

After spending many days going through all my drives, e.i. Google Drive, Dropbox, Box, Skydrive, I finally was able to locate the other poem I recently wrote!! I also found my final draft of "The Thief" which I truly love!

Today I will be attaching my other poem for y'all to read.  "The Thief" final copy will be revealed on the poem sections opening day :)

By My Side

As I lay here,

You by my side,

A mind full of fear,

A heart on a ride.

My joy is right here,

My pain has to hide,

I hold back a tear,

Fake a smile so wide,

To you it must seem mere,

The thoughts locked inside,

Though this one should be clear,

I’ll announce it with pride:

Baby, forever I'll lay here,

If you're by my side

Outing At The Playground

As a young 4 year old, there wasn't a single care in life to make me second guess someone or to act differently due to fear.  In my eyes, as well as many others, the world was a playground and everyone was here to play!

But as we grow up, this vision of life slowly and completely evaporates from our life's, replaced by mistrust due to dishonesty from those around us.  Why is this?  Why is it that as humans we always want to boast about being "100% real" or a "no liar" yet we can't even be true to ourselves, others, and people as a whole?

For example, I am a firm believer in giving closeted or a "not out" gay plenty of time to fully come out the closet at their own personal pace.  It is not something that can be rushed and it is something that must happen in a way that is most comfortable for everyone, but most of all whoever is coming out MUST be comfortable.  That being say, although I condone taking time to come out, what I do not condone are those who wish to remain "discreet" because they are married, in a relationship, super religious or strict parents, etc.  Why? Because your not being real, your not being honest, which causes there to be a lack of trust in people!

If your married, than good God man why are you stepping out?  If you are obviously not happy where you are then it is time to reevaluate your life, your wants, and your desires.  If you are a man who is married to a women but secretly on Grindr, Jack'd, or adam4adam looking to find some "discreet" play time buddies then you have gotten to be one of the biggest reasons why trust is such an issue.

That is because you aren't just causing distrust in your own personal home, but your actions will always leave a thought deep in the head of your "discreet friend" that will cause him to question his future partner down the road.  You will also begin to have the same mental paranoia that your wife is stepping out just like you and the cycle just grows from there.  Distrust is like the flu or the common cold, extremely contagious. This applies to those in a relationship as well,  stray true, stay faithful, stay trustworthy.

To those who have super religious or super strict parents and think that can excuse them from every fully admitting who they are, who they love, and what not, this is false.  Yes it gives you a little extra time if your under 18 years old.  Then I can respect and understand why you want to wait.  But your 26 year old, live on  your own, graduated college, own car, support yourself and live far form your parents; zero excuse.  One, your over 18 what are you afraid they are going to do?

In my years, every closeted gay's number one fear is that their parents will quit communicating with, or "disown", them forever because they are southern baptist and strict.  Well I too had that exact fear.  I tried everything to keep my secret my secret, and my mom being the sweet angel that she is, she went through a period of time when she was fed up with how my sister and I were behaving so she was overly strict.  In fact, I was shipped of a juvenile psych ward because she found out I was a pot smoker and drinker.  So instead of shipping me off to rehab against my will, at the age of 16, she called the police and said I had threatened to kill myself so that I would be held at St. Luke's in a little country town.  To make a long story short, I was outed by a night time nurse when my mom called up to check up on my progress.

My Mother and I, she's my rock and my idol

You know how she took it? My strict southern baptist mother who had just lied to have me admitted into a psych ward?  She said what I can guarantee at least 75% of those with strict religious parents will say: "Well I don't agree, condone, or support you choosing to sin your life away, you are still my child and I will always love you.  No matter what."

My mom, nephew, and I going to a movie.

In the end, being outed to my mother brought us closer than we have ever been in the 8 years prior.   It is something I am glad happened because the feeling as I released the last boulder on my shoulder was heavenly.  I was finally at peace for the first time in my 16 year of life.  It was the first time I could honestly say I was living without lying.  It was also when my mom started to trust me again.

I can honestly admit that I had re-achieved the feeling of being a 4 year old looking at life as a giant playground.

That feeling didn't last long simply because It became very clear that no one else was living a lie-free life. When I started to see the world as a giant playground again, is when I really got a chance to see how as people grew up, the playground drastically changed; a change that was far from being a good one at that.

Love's True Fairy Tale

Love is something everyone is looking for, right?
The emotion we all yearn to feel at some point in our lives, right?
But who can honestly fully define and explain what love is?

A simple search on Google.com pulls up their definition of love as an intense feeling of deep affection.
Next it shows the Merriam-Webster Dictionary website definition of love as a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person.
Finally it show's our friends from UrbanDictionary.com's definition of  love as nature's way of tricking people into reproducing.

Now, which one of these is the real-life definition?  I believe all of these definitions are accurate and wrong, at the same time.  I believe this because we all know we openly profess our deep love for someone that we have strong feelings for from our extreme attraction to them making us want to be affectionate with them so that we can, in the cause of the heterosexual community, reproduce little babies to carry on our name.  As for us homosexuals, well we just love sex so we to pretend that we can procreate.

Yet this and the other definitions are still missing many factors.  No where are you informed that love is:

Hard-work
Painful
Confusing
Misleading
Always Changing 

Love is about as predictable as trying to say what you will be doing a 2:15 pm on August 31st, 2024.  No one seems to teach people that love is not only the best thing to happen to us, it is also the worse.

In my experience, love always starts out as a breath-taking feeling that creeps up out of nowhere when it is least expected, usually with someone who I never thought could make me feel that way.  During a blissful time,I go blinded to what is going on around me, so it is always a complete shock when suddenly life drops a bomb on me.  You see, every time I blessed with the feelings of love, I am also very much reminded that love is not always the fairy tale we dream.  That's when the other side of love shows its hideous face. 

Heartbreak

Inner pain

Depression

Agony

Photo from http://picsbox.biz

These are parts of love that we aren't shown by Disney or any other network as we grow up. Would we really want to find love if we knew that Cinderella suffered from a drug addiction and depression because the prince before Charming didn't love her the same as she did him? Or that the Beast was really off in that castle isolating himself from the villagers to protect them since he went stark crazy after Beautimous, his lady before Beauty, had laid in bed with half the village while he worked all day?

Photo from www.merchantcircle.com

Of course they don't show that to young vulnerable minds. No, that is not how all relationships play out. Fairy tales do eventually come true for us all.  At some point in life, at a time and place unbeknownst to us we are over take by that euphoric feeling of love again.  This time however, it is not a short high that is then followed by a devastating low, but a everlasting high that has numerous short spurts of fights and disagreements. These disagreement are there just to remind us we are human and can overcome any obstacle with the one we love.

What should you take from this??

It's time to grow up my young friend.
Life is not a Disney Cartoon.
Love is not easy.
Love is not always good nor is it always bad.
Each experience is personal and an opportunity to learn, so take it!

Please leave comments and thoughts and let us continue writing Love's True Fairy Tale