The Bottle

When many people hear “the bottle” they automatically assume it means someone has been “hitting the bottle” and getting drunk.  Which in a way is very much so true.  The real bottle that needs to be discussed is what is hiding in the internal bottle that is making that person down that bottle to get drunk?  What many people don’t understand or want to admit is that behind each and every drug addiction there is at least one bottle, if not multiple, that has been filled with a bad memory with the emotions it brings up, wide tightly twisted on, and placed away in one’s mind to be forgotten about.

Yet, it’s never fully forgotten about.
The emotions never fully go away.
They are just masked by the drugs, by the booze, by the working, or by whatever addiction that person is suffering form.  In order to deal with the addiction, the bottles have to be dealt with as well.  Through therapy, through talking about it, in whatever matter works best for that person!  For me it has been therapy and blogging.
These two outlets have helped me deal with my meth addiction, my sex addiction, and many other things.

My sex addiction hasn't been quite discussed on my blog much because part of me wanted to believe that I was only having sex a lot because of the meth.  I have now realized I cannot continue to blame meth when my sex addiction goes back much further than my meth addiction.  Now I have always been addicted to something or other at some point since I was 17.  I would go two to five months at a time without being addicted or using something above weed, but none the less I have dealt with addiction since I was 17.

I have carried around many bottles on my shoulders (deep in my mind) since I was 17.

Before I get too far off track, my sex addiction, has become more clear to me because I can look back and realize I had so many flings, one night stands, super short term boyfriends, fuck buddies, and what have you because it was my way with dealing with feelings of loneliness.  A feeling I got after my real father left my life again.  So, I had sex.  A lot.

And I’m sorry mom for whenever you read this but I feel it is best for me to simply but it out there.

To put it into perspective for you all.  I didn't lose my virginity until I was almost 18 years old (right around the same time I was getting all my DWIs).  From the age of 18 to the age of 21 and a half when I started working at my current job I had sex with approximately 40 guys, give or take ten.  Hell honestly I had lost count until one evening when me and a nurse decided we were going to come up with out “list” so we could know our number.  He is 15 years my senior and his number was less than double digits.  My numbers had grown higher than the amount of years he was old in four years.

Once I started working at my job, my numbers steadily went up.  It is to the point now that I couldn’t even begin to tell you the number of guys I have had sex with.  To be completely safe and honest, the number is probably in the 100’s.

I remember in one day, I was so depressed and lonely after my ex and I had ended things for our last time, I had sex with four different guys in a matter of 24 hours.

Now I now saying all this is going to have people judging me or thinking I’m so STD infested person, but I’m not.  I am clean, get tested every three months, and am not the sexual whore I was.  Since I quit using meth I was still being a whore.  That’s how I know I couldn't blame meth, it was after my therapy appoint where I finally opened and dealt with my bottle causing my loneliness that I haven’t had the urge or need to have sex with anyone.  Yes I still get horny, but I think since I’m a guy that is a curse I will always have to deal with.  Now I redirect my hormones into being productive. Into blogging, coming up with new ways to blog (aka the YouTube video plans), or into working on projects at work.  Now I am only sexually active with one person, the only person I want to be sexually active with.

Now I know this blog is going to upset a lot of guys, a lot of guys I have pretty much been playing.  To you guys, I am so very sorry.  For someone who has been played and used by guys I shouldn't have ever done that to you guys, but I did.  I would understand completely if you guys were to defriend me on Facebook, delete my number from your phones, or completely just cut me out of your lives.  I understand that, I can’t take back what I have done.  All I can do is tell you that I am truly, wholeheartedly, 100% sorry for what I have done to you.  For lying.  For leading.  For playing.  For using.

This opening up about my sex addiction is my way of showing that once you deal with the bottles causing the addictions, you will be able to deal with the addictions.  Addiction isn't something that is easy to deal with.  We all need help in some way with dealing with them.  We can’t do it alone so don’t be afraid to ask for help! After you detox, after you rehab, you will need therapy.  Some people don’t need the rehab part, they are able to detox and not use again, if they go through therapy and talk to someone.

Therapy has saved my life, therapy has showed me that it is better to open the bottles and deal with the emotions and memories that it is to allow those bottles to weigh on your shoulders for the rest of your life.


I write this blog today after a conversation with a certain loved one of mine.  When you read this, I hope you know I do love you.  With all my heart.  No matter how my blogs prior to this one have talked about you, I will always want the best for you.  I will always be here to help you through the dark times.  Because you are someone I know can take over the world and will once you get your head right!  These dark times can be concurred together.  I love you forever and for always!

One Step at a Time

Life is ment to be taken one step at a time.  You don't get to just go from the bottom of the stairs to the stop.  That's what's the hardest part for me to accept.  I mean, yes I know you can't skip steps, but I don't like to wait.  I had  a therapy appointment today where my therapist was quite proud of me for working towards bettering my life.  For forgiving my father for leaving me and for doing the things i need to do to better my life.  One of which was looking for a new job.  

A new job both scares me and excites me.  Trying something new would be exciting.  But leaving what I know scares the living shit out of me.  But my therapist thinks it would be best for me as long as I continue to have a boss that is constantly out to get me.  A new job could pay me more, could be less stressful, and could teach me lots.  But a new job would be outside of my norm, which of course is scary.  

But I still spent 4 hours the others day applying at every hospital in the KC area and I plan to apply at many more nursing homes once I get my CMT.

It's not like I don't love my job, it is just that I would like some recognition for the work I do.  For the work I do above and beyond.  

My therapist also thinks it would be a good idea for me to continue on the steps I am taking to better my life so that I can move out on my own again.  He fears that my home dynamics is a major stressor in my life.  Which I can understand.  This is because when I'm not at work I still feel like I'm working.  Since we have both of my sisters back at my house for medical recovery.  One just for rehab after a 3 month stay in multiple hospitals after an attempted suicide and one for a staph infection brought on my drug use.  

I enjoy rehabing my sister after her attempted suicide.  I praise jesus everyday that she failed.  I will admit I will never understand what lead her to that point but I will never judge her for what she did.  

My other sister is a different story.  While I have suffered from addictions in my past, I also know how it goes getting over those addictions.  You either hit rock bottom or you finally wake up one day and realize that what you are doing is stupid and not getting you anywhere.  Like I told my therapist, I feel like te older sibiling even though I am the one that is four years younger.  There is times I just want to sit her down and smack the living shit out of her.  It's like, grow the fuck up please!  Your killing mom, your killing me, and your killing yourself.  

Day by day I have to remind myself that I'm taking the steps in the right direction to better my life.  It just feels like it is taking to long.  I have long legs and I feel like these steps should be easy to climb.  But their not.  Sometimes it feels like after I take one step i fall back three.   I know I can't give up, I must push forward.  Cuz nothing in life is just handed to you.  You have to take things one step at a time.  

This is going to be a short blog solely because I am quite depressed right now and don't know what to do anymore to make myself happy.  it's like it my happiness comes and goes and here lately it's been more gone than it has been here.  

So my next step is to deal with this depression, to get myself back to my place of happiness.  To get myself back to the place I was when not but a week or so ago when nothing could get me a low as I feel now.  

Life wil get better, I just have to be the one to make it better.  I must constantly remind myself of that fact otherwise I will fail in my quest for happiness.  

So until next time everyone.

Stay strong, keep your heads up, and feel free to contact me to talk cuz lord knows I will need it sometime.

July 4th, 2014, when change first began

Being that today is November 13th, 2014 it has been 132 days since I got sober from Meth, Tina, Party, or whatever name you may know it by.  132 days is a small feat it may seem but to me I am quite proud of every day that passes by for increasing my sobriety number.  

Although I was not addicted to meth for as long as some people are, I was already starting to loss control of my addiction.   Everyone says that you got to control your addiction and not let it control you.

That doesn't happen, eventually all addictions take control of their lives.

Mine started with just using when I needed to stay awake for long periods of time studying or doing whatever.  But I would only do a small amount every few days when needed.  Then I started having finals in my summer courses of college so I needed to stay awake for a few days at a time and study or work on projects.  Then I met my ex boyfriend, which was a heavy daily user.  Which then allowed me to release control of my addiction to it's self; It was then that my addiction took control of me.

I won't name names of to who my ex is, out of respect and privacy, but we will refer to him as he, or him, or his

He would want to smoke all day every day, so we would.  I went from doing 0.4 grams every 3 or for days to doing a teener (1.75 grams) a day with him.  I was in love.  I thought I was in love.  I thought he was the one for me.  It took me a long time to realize he wasn't.  Even after you told me to my face he would choose meth over me any day, I still believed he cared for me the way I did for him.

But that is a different story.

Anyways..
after mine and his many break ups I started using uncontrollably.  I stayed up for days and days on in staying awake and either painting, playing on the computer, or whoring out in my room.  Things for me continued to spiral out of control for me until I finally took a moment to sit back and thank of all the people I know who had been using for years, him (my ex) included.  I did not to turn out like them, I had bigger plans for my life.  So I flushed what I had left, broke my pipes and all paraphernalia (or however the word is spelt) and never looked back.

To me, that is how I get about quitting drugs, I just quit doing them.

Things for you might be different.  But quitting is something everyone can do! No matter how long you have been using you can quit! I'm no expert but let me give you a couple suggestions:

Walta's Suggestions for Getting Sober:

• Make sure you don't try to quit unless you truly fully want to quit using whatever drug it may be you are using
• Destroy all objects that were utensils in your use
• Build a support system, if you don't have anyone that knows you are using and don't use themselves, tell them and tell them you need them to be there to support you.
• Sleep for three days.  No matter what your using, it's said that the first three days of recovery are the worse so why not sleep through them if possible? Take time off work or even school so you can sleep
• Be willing and able to talk about your addiction. Be that Narcotics Anonymous , a therapist or counselor, or even a blog.  So way that allows you to get things off your chest
• Download an app that counts for you and shows your how many days you have been sober.  I use Numerous on my iPhone and its the best

These are the few suggestions I can think of right now that have helped me out a lot.  Please feel free to comment and tell me some ideas you have to help build this list.

I know that many of those who read this may not even know me or even know that I was using but again I am proud to say; I Walta have been sober from Meth for 132 days.   I'm proud of myself, and I will keep being strong. 

I urge anyone who is addicted and that is wanting to get sober to do it! Reach out to me if you need someone to talk to, I am always here for people!

Dealing With Whats Your Closet

I don't know about you, but I know when I came out of the closet I proceeded to shut the closet door and leave all that stupid shit behind.  Well I'm slowly starting to see that is NOT the way to handle things.  I have been seeing a psychiatrist for a couple months now and in our last get together on Monday he asked me if I was seeing a therapist.  When I told him no he laughed and said, "So you complete by passed the therapist before coming to the psychiatrist?"  I sure in the hell did! I have a bad history with therapy where I was always told I was the cause of all the problems even though I was just an 8 year old child.  But I'm not going to allow my past to affect my now and my future so heavily.  This new therapist told me that it was time to talk and get those damn skeletons out of the closet so I will.  One by one for each meeting we have have weekly for now.

I recommend everyone does that.   Maybe you don't have the money for therapy, or the time, or even the desire to go see a therapist.  Create a blog and make that your therapy session.  This post here will be about my first skeleton.

My first skeleton is that I always feel lonely and unwanted.  Although I've never wanted to admit it, a big reason why I feel this way is because my real father wasn't in my life until I was 13 years old and then the moment he found out I was gay he split when I was 15.  Those two years we spent a lot of time together were great.  He showed me how much I love to golf, how amazing Minsky's Pizza is, and that video game golf was just as fun as the real deal.  Then he left. Disappeared.  Informed me he had his new family and his new kids and had done it write this time so he didn't need me or my sister anymore.

I thought I was find with this.  Hell I had gone 13 years without knowing the man I didn't think it would be much different now that he was gone again.

But my therapist pointed out how since that happened I seem to date or attempt to date guys that don't stick around past 3 weeks.  I do this because I think I can fix whatever the issue is that causes guys to leave after 3 weeks.  Subconsciously I'm doing this to try and fix my thoughts of being unwanted by my dad by choosing the same kinda douche bags that he is.

After my therapist said that, it made since.  That is something I do.  As soon as I meet a guy I tell them about my three week curse then upon three weeks when they wanna split I do everything in my power to try and fix whatever it is that's causing them to wanna leave.  When  in reality it's just because were not compatible, it was nothing to do with me like I think, but everything to do with chemistry.

I will say this in my defense.  Since I got sober from Meth on July 4, 2014, I have dealt with only one guy who has showed the whole 3 week curse.  But he needed to be gone anyways because he wasn't good for me anyways.

And yes I said since I got sober from Meth on July 4th of this year! 131 days! My next post will be about how I did it and tips to help you or a friend or loved one!

I leave you know with this quote that I have no clue where it came from or who said it but they couldn't have been anymore more right:
"You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one"

Think over that one until my next post.who read my posts!

Thanks always & forever!
Walter Moore

By My Side

Still working hard to get the Poem section of the blog up and running!

Whats your favorite idea for a "name" for the section? Comment and let me know!

Poems

Poetry

Poetry Corner

WaMoo-Poems-4-You

Any other ideas are welcome!! Like I've said before this isn't going to be a poetry spot for just me it will be for EVERYONE to have a place to show their talent and skill!

After spending many days going through all my drives, e.i. Google Drive, Dropbox, Box, Skydrive, I finally was able to locate the other poem I recently wrote!! I also found my final draft of "The Thief" which I truly love!

Today I will be attaching my other poem for y'all to read.  "The Thief" final copy will be revealed on the poem sections opening day :)

By My Side

As I lay here,

You by my side,

A mind full of fear,

A heart on a ride.

My joy is right here,

My pain has to hide,

I hold back a tear,

Fake a smile so wide,

To you it must seem mere,

The thoughts locked inside,

Though this one should be clear,

I’ll announce it with pride:

Baby, forever I'll lay here,

If you're by my side

Outing At The Playground

As a young 4 year old, there wasn't a single care in life to make me second guess someone or to act differently due to fear.  In my eyes, as well as many others, the world was a playground and everyone was here to play!

But as we grow up, this vision of life slowly and completely evaporates from our life's, replaced by mistrust due to dishonesty from those around us.  Why is this?  Why is it that as humans we always want to boast about being "100% real" or a "no liar" yet we can't even be true to ourselves, others, and people as a whole?

For example, I am a firm believer in giving closeted or a "not out" gay plenty of time to fully come out the closet at their own personal pace.  It is not something that can be rushed and it is something that must happen in a way that is most comfortable for everyone, but most of all whoever is coming out MUST be comfortable.  That being say, although I condone taking time to come out, what I do not condone are those who wish to remain "discreet" because they are married, in a relationship, super religious or strict parents, etc.  Why? Because your not being real, your not being honest, which causes there to be a lack of trust in people!

If your married, than good God man why are you stepping out?  If you are obviously not happy where you are then it is time to reevaluate your life, your wants, and your desires.  If you are a man who is married to a women but secretly on Grindr, Jack'd, or adam4adam looking to find some "discreet" play time buddies then you have gotten to be one of the biggest reasons why trust is such an issue.

That is because you aren't just causing distrust in your own personal home, but your actions will always leave a thought deep in the head of your "discreet friend" that will cause him to question his future partner down the road.  You will also begin to have the same mental paranoia that your wife is stepping out just like you and the cycle just grows from there.  Distrust is like the flu or the common cold, extremely contagious. This applies to those in a relationship as well,  stray true, stay faithful, stay trustworthy.

To those who have super religious or super strict parents and think that can excuse them from every fully admitting who they are, who they love, and what not, this is false.  Yes it gives you a little extra time if your under 18 years old.  Then I can respect and understand why you want to wait.  But your 26 year old, live on  your own, graduated college, own car, support yourself and live far form your parents; zero excuse.  One, your over 18 what are you afraid they are going to do?

In my years, every closeted gay's number one fear is that their parents will quit communicating with, or "disown", them forever because they are southern baptist and strict.  Well I too had that exact fear.  I tried everything to keep my secret my secret, and my mom being the sweet angel that she is, she went through a period of time when she was fed up with how my sister and I were behaving so she was overly strict.  In fact, I was shipped of a juvenile psych ward because she found out I was a pot smoker and drinker.  So instead of shipping me off to rehab against my will, at the age of 16, she called the police and said I had threatened to kill myself so that I would be held at St. Luke's in a little country town.  To make a long story short, I was outed by a night time nurse when my mom called up to check up on my progress.

My Mother and I, she's my rock and my idol

You know how she took it? My strict southern baptist mother who had just lied to have me admitted into a psych ward?  She said what I can guarantee at least 75% of those with strict religious parents will say: "Well I don't agree, condone, or support you choosing to sin your life away, you are still my child and I will always love you.  No matter what."

My mom, nephew, and I going to a movie.

In the end, being outed to my mother brought us closer than we have ever been in the 8 years prior.   It is something I am glad happened because the feeling as I released the last boulder on my shoulder was heavenly.  I was finally at peace for the first time in my 16 year of life.  It was the first time I could honestly say I was living without lying.  It was also when my mom started to trust me again.

I can honestly admit that I had re-achieved the feeling of being a 4 year old looking at life as a giant playground.

That feeling didn't last long simply because It became very clear that no one else was living a lie-free life. When I started to see the world as a giant playground again, is when I really got a chance to see how as people grew up, the playground drastically changed; a change that was far from being a good one at that.

Love's True Fairy Tale

Love is something everyone is looking for, right?
The emotion we all yearn to feel at some point in our lives, right?
But who can honestly fully define and explain what love is?

A simple search on Google.com pulls up their definition of love as an intense feeling of deep affection.
Next it shows the Merriam-Webster Dictionary website definition of love as a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person.
Finally it show's our friends from UrbanDictionary.com's definition of  love as nature's way of tricking people into reproducing.

Now, which one of these is the real-life definition?  I believe all of these definitions are accurate and wrong, at the same time.  I believe this because we all know we openly profess our deep love for someone that we have strong feelings for from our extreme attraction to them making us want to be affectionate with them so that we can, in the cause of the heterosexual community, reproduce little babies to carry on our name.  As for us homosexuals, well we just love sex so we to pretend that we can procreate.

Yet this and the other definitions are still missing many factors.  No where are you informed that love is:

Hard-work
Painful
Confusing
Misleading
Always Changing 

Love is about as predictable as trying to say what you will be doing a 2:15 pm on August 31st, 2024.  No one seems to teach people that love is not only the best thing to happen to us, it is also the worse.

In my experience, love always starts out as a breath-taking feeling that creeps up out of nowhere when it is least expected, usually with someone who I never thought could make me feel that way.  During a blissful time,I go blinded to what is going on around me, so it is always a complete shock when suddenly life drops a bomb on me.  You see, every time I blessed with the feelings of love, I am also very much reminded that love is not always the fairy tale we dream.  That's when the other side of love shows its hideous face. 

Heartbreak

Inner pain

Depression

Agony

Photo from http://picsbox.biz

These are parts of love that we aren't shown by Disney or any other network as we grow up. Would we really want to find love if we knew that Cinderella suffered from a drug addiction and depression because the prince before Charming didn't love her the same as she did him? Or that the Beast was really off in that castle isolating himself from the villagers to protect them since he went stark crazy after Beautimous, his lady before Beauty, had laid in bed with half the village while he worked all day?

Photo from www.merchantcircle.com

Of course they don't show that to young vulnerable minds. No, that is not how all relationships play out. Fairy tales do eventually come true for us all.  At some point in life, at a time and place unbeknownst to us we are over take by that euphoric feeling of love again.  This time however, it is not a short high that is then followed by a devastating low, but a everlasting high that has numerous short spurts of fights and disagreements. These disagreement are there just to remind us we are human and can overcome any obstacle with the one we love.

What should you take from this??

It's time to grow up my young friend.
Life is not a Disney Cartoon.
Love is not easy.
Love is not always good nor is it always bad.
Each experience is personal and an opportunity to learn, so take it!

Please leave comments and thoughts and let us continue writing Love's True Fairy Tale

Persistence: When You go for What You REALLY Want!

I messaged this guy on a dating site who I had been communicating with quite a bit before the winter break from school.  

He's a little older than me, a professional in the work world, new and discreet in the gay community.  Now, normally I am anti "discreet" guys because I feel they just use it as a reason to get as much booty as possible without their spouses finding out or even having to admit they have homosexual feelings.  To me they aren't being real or proud of who they are.  Yet this guy, he was different. Not once did he try to get into my pants, to see my locked pics, or anything inappropriate for that matter.  No, he was a gentleman.  From what I could see he was the definition of what a gentleman was, just in a rough mental place battling with his homosexuality.  I don't blame him, not one bit, and no gay male should because we have all been in his shoes before.  I have always respected him and his wished because he was always honest with me, which is about as rare in the Kansas City gay community as it is to find a guy who doesn't know my ex.  

Anyways, lets refer to my discreet friend as Slim.  Right at the beginning of winter break Slim and I had a falling out over a misunderstanding. I had asked him when I was going to get to see his face pics because I had no clue what he looked like. He took this statement as I was being aggressive and pushy, which I can see because I can be pretty invasive on accident. Long story short, he cut our online messaged based friendship to an end after that. After a month of him not responding to my few messages I sent him, he finally caved and messaged me back today. My messages was simple but straight to the point:


"Really enjoyed our chats and w wish you would j understand the miss understanding so we can continue to chat"


Obviously there are grammatical issues (dang you cold weather messing up my tablet typing) but the point was still clear. To my surprise it was given a response i was shocked to get. He started the message with the simple phrase "I've always admired persistence" before going on catching up with me.  My response to that opening statement was simple stating I had master the skill years ago because when its something I want I will get it.  

Is that not how we should all be? I mean if you really want something you can't expect it to just come easy as pie to you. All things that are good in life are easy and aren't free!  Whether your paying with cash or determination and hard work.  I have always been known as the spoiled boy who got everything from mommy and gram gram. To and extent its true, but even when they are buying me something or paying something for me I have to work around the house for it.  Otherwise I'm working hard at my job or even getting a second one to make things happen.  Persistence is one of the skills that really defines us as human beans. I believe those who are persistent are strong and those who expect it given to them freely are weak. 

Which are you?

New Year New ??

The date is currently the 5th day of January 2014.  Who else didn't believe there would be a year such like this? Hell I remember growing up and watching the Jetsons which let me to believe by 2010 society was going to be way different.  Flying cars, robot maids, and living in outer space was what once filled my thoughts of the future.  Instead, in the year 2014, we have Apple with fingerprint scanners, laptops with 3G/4G plus WiFi connections, and vehicles that can first direct you where to drive after you push the button to start it then secondly direct you to parallel park in front of the building.  Not the future imagined by most yet it is the future we know!  With each year that passes, there is also something changing causing use to grow, learn, and change our ways or reasons to do everyday task.  These changes in technology make our day to day life's easier and easier.  So this means change is good right?

Then how come people don not ever want to change. Everyone says they will always be the same, or they have always been the same, but that is not true is it?  If you say its true then you mean to tell me you still crap/piss yourself like babies not toilet trained do? Or you still have to have your back patted in order to get the air bubble form inside you out since you can't on your own? May be a couple overly drastic examples but the point is still made.  Most may not what to admit it but we all change in some way at some point during our journey through it all. In fact, I don't want to imagine life without change.

So with this new year we have lots to look forward to in technology.  What exactly, well I'm not sure off the top of my head.  However, I am for sure of the changes I will be making in the upcoming year.  My major planned change is going to be to truly make school my number one priority.  No longer will I let any guy, friend, or job hold me back and cause me to fail.  I will proceed and make major steps in the right direction.  So my question to you is this: What's the New Year's New You gonna be like?