A Wednesday I'll Always Remember

Things started out as a typical Wednesday for me, a good Wednesday even.  Woke up early and saw a text from one of my bosses asking if I could come in to work.  I told her, as long as I could leave long enough to go to my 10:00 am therapy appointment, I would come in.  She said that was fine and even offered to give me the evening shift off but I said no because I wanted the overtime.

At that moment I wanted the overtime.

So I went into work, busted my butt for about an hour and a half, then had to jet off to my therapy appointment.  

My therapy appointment went good.  I told him about the letter to my real dad and how it had felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  How I was happier.  How I felt closure.  He was happy, could see my demeanor, and was congratulating me on my progress so far. 

It was then that I started talking to him and telling him how even though I was happier in that area I was extremely unhappy and even feeling depressed sometimes because of my work environment.

I told him how it always seemed, no matter how hard I tried or how hard I worked, I always had a boss out to get me.  This is what was pulling me down, making me feel depressed at times.  Even making me feel competitive at times because the way she made me feel made me want to show that I was a harder, better, stronger worker than she was.

I look back now and I feel like I have been childish about our whole relationship at times.  I've always had a problem with authority.  So, I think the fact I struggled with her without knowing why she didn't really like me caused me to be so affected by her.

I then told him how I felt like even when I was at work, I was still at work.  I have felt like my home life has sorta became another work environment for me.  Having two sisters come home from stints in the hospital before thanksgiving caused me to go into full blown "nurse" mode.  I scheduled (or set the times) for one sister's medication and became active in the treatment of the other sister's wound.

Although I love my siblings, love what I do, coming home and feeling like you still gotta work drains me,

But I wouldn't know what to do if it was any other way.

Finally, I told my therapist about how it saddened me to watch my mother take care of so many different people in our families.  I have watched a women hustle my entire life to take care of her family. Which hasn't stopped even though she is in her late 40's with children all grown.  She still sacrifices so much for her children it kills me that she isn't able to enjoy her life the way she should.

It reminds me of a line in Iggy Azalea's song "Work" where she says how one day she wants to thank her mother for the sacrifice she made.

That is something I aspire to do, but find it so hard because I feel like no matter what I am doing I keep falling back twos steps, although that is how life always feels even when its not true.

Back to my therapy appointment, after hearing these things my therapist told me I needed to sit down with my highest boss and explain how I couldn't keep feeling like my other boss was out to get me or I would have to find new work immediately.  He also said I need to work really hard to be able to move out of my mothers house.  He thinks it would help with my issues a lot if I was completely dependent upon myself.  Which I can agree with completely

Just can be scary.

So After my therapy appointment, I started heading back to work, send a text to two of my bosses.  One saying I needed to speak with her about a work issue per my therapist; the other to tell her to let another worker have my evening shift so I could take it off and relax.

Both conversations went well, and the rest of my 7-3 shift went great as well.  When I got off work, I was still smiling and happy heading home.  I'm not completely sure when the night turned bad, but when it did, it was something I have never experienced before.

I was sitting in my room when my mom asked if I wanted to go with her to take my sisters to the library and to eat.  Since I couldn't find any friends to hang with I decided it would be good for me to get out of the house since I was already starting to feel down and sad.

So while in the car, I started a blog from my iPad.  When we got to the library I finished the blog.  With every moment passing I could feel myself becoming more and more down about myself and my life.

When we got to the restaurant I completely didn't feel like myself at this point.  About 15 minutes into being there is when I finally had to accept the fact I suffer from depression.  I say this because at that random moment in time, one of my sisters made a comment (a positive one not a negative one) about nursing school and I completely lost it.

I stepped outside to smoke on a cigarette for a moment allowing the cold air to fight back my tears.

As soon as I sat back down at our table, in the front of the restaurant, there was no more cold air to fight back the tears for me.  I tried to myself, but the battle was quickly lost.  No one knew what was wrong with me until I started blubbering about not being able to afford college and how I felt like I was never going to get into nursing school.

All things I know will happen at one point in my future just not at the fast past I want, but at that moment there was no telling me any different.  Finally my sister realized that what she had said was a trigger for my depression.  She held my arm and calmed me down.  My sister, the one I have felt like I have been needing to take care of since she returned home, was now needed to calm me down.

Her and I were the only ones at the table who suffered from depression.  That we know of.  She was the only one who knew how to help me through it the best way possible.

Her and my friend DJ, who I was texting with throughout the entire ordeal who turned around and drove 35 minutes from his house to mine to come and talk to me, chill with me, and get me to a place of relaxation to where I was able to feel normal again.

Without those two, that Wednesday night would have been a horrible mess for me.

Like they both have said, like my therapist has said, like my mother has said, it is all one step at a time.

And like Iggy Azalea said Impossible is Nothing

One Step at a Time

Life is ment to be taken one step at a time.  You don't get to just go from the bottom of the stairs to the stop.  That's what's the hardest part for me to accept.  I mean, yes I know you can't skip steps, but I don't like to wait.  I had  a therapy appointment today where my therapist was quite proud of me for working towards bettering my life.  For forgiving my father for leaving me and for doing the things i need to do to better my life.  One of which was looking for a new job.  

A new job both scares me and excites me.  Trying something new would be exciting.  But leaving what I know scares the living shit out of me.  But my therapist thinks it would be best for me as long as I continue to have a boss that is constantly out to get me.  A new job could pay me more, could be less stressful, and could teach me lots.  But a new job would be outside of my norm, which of course is scary.  

But I still spent 4 hours the others day applying at every hospital in the KC area and I plan to apply at many more nursing homes once I get my CMT.

It's not like I don't love my job, it is just that I would like some recognition for the work I do.  For the work I do above and beyond.  

My therapist also thinks it would be a good idea for me to continue on the steps I am taking to better my life so that I can move out on my own again.  He fears that my home dynamics is a major stressor in my life.  Which I can understand.  This is because when I'm not at work I still feel like I'm working.  Since we have both of my sisters back at my house for medical recovery.  One just for rehab after a 3 month stay in multiple hospitals after an attempted suicide and one for a staph infection brought on my drug use.  

I enjoy rehabing my sister after her attempted suicide.  I praise jesus everyday that she failed.  I will admit I will never understand what lead her to that point but I will never judge her for what she did.  

My other sister is a different story.  While I have suffered from addictions in my past, I also know how it goes getting over those addictions.  You either hit rock bottom or you finally wake up one day and realize that what you are doing is stupid and not getting you anywhere.  Like I told my therapist, I feel like te older sibiling even though I am the one that is four years younger.  There is times I just want to sit her down and smack the living shit out of her.  It's like, grow the fuck up please!  Your killing mom, your killing me, and your killing yourself.  

Day by day I have to remind myself that I'm taking the steps in the right direction to better my life.  It just feels like it is taking to long.  I have long legs and I feel like these steps should be easy to climb.  But their not.  Sometimes it feels like after I take one step i fall back three.   I know I can't give up, I must push forward.  Cuz nothing in life is just handed to you.  You have to take things one step at a time.  

This is going to be a short blog solely because I am quite depressed right now and don't know what to do anymore to make myself happy.  it's like it my happiness comes and goes and here lately it's been more gone than it has been here.  

So my next step is to deal with this depression, to get myself back to my place of happiness.  To get myself back to the place I was when not but a week or so ago when nothing could get me a low as I feel now.  

Life wil get better, I just have to be the one to make it better.  I must constantly remind myself of that fact otherwise I will fail in my quest for happiness.  

So until next time everyone.

Stay strong, keep your heads up, and feel free to contact me to talk cuz lord knows I will need it sometime.

That Moment to be Thankful For.

Today is the 27th which is the fourth Thursday of the month of November in the year 2014.

That basically means: Happy Thanksgiving readers!!!

If you happen to read this post after Thanksgiving, well then happen 

late Thanksgiving!

Well, or Turkey Day if that's what you want to call it.

But anyways, as tradition says: today is the day we enjoy time with families and loved ones being thankful for any and all reasons we have to be thankful for.  

We all have our different reasons for being thankful.  I remember when I was younger I use to always have that one teacher that would always have us either write what we were thankful for or would have us discuss it out loud.

I want to bring that back and do it again.  Obviously I will be writing what I'm thankful for and you all will be reading it, but please feel free to comment and say what your thankful for!

So here it goes!

I am thankful for many things.  To start.  I am thankful for my job.  I love the feeling I get from knowing I take care of people that not only need me but want me to care for them.  I am thankful that no matter how stressful and bad my day is going there is always at least one resident who will know somethings up with me that will remind me that care for me too.  

For example, I had a lady that I barely ever interact with because she is pretty independent call me into her room to say, "Walter, you have been quiet tonight, whats wrong?"

I was like, "Nothing, I'm good." and tried to fake a smile.

"You can try to lie to yourself all you want, but when I haven't heard you burp down the hall at least once in the shift or walk down the hall laughing with a smile on your face then I know something is wrong."  She replied, "I hope your night gets better Hun, tomorrows Thanksgiving.  It's time for you to put some meat on your bones!"  

This just showed me that my residents are able to see when I'm down and want me to be happier.  She put a smile on my face and even made my night a million times better after that.

I am also thankful for many of my coworkers.  We are all a major part of the bottom of the totem pole that holds are place up and together.  We work hard together, we work great together, we stand strong together, and we work through our problems together.  We might not get the recognition from corporate for what we do but we get the recognition from our residents.  Which in the end is all that matters because we are there for them, not for corporate.

I am thank for my friends.  Without you all I would lose my mind faster than anything.  You all are always there when I need someone to talk to ,  you all will always tell me what I need to hear (which isn't always what I want to hear), you all have stuck beside me through the dark year, and you all remain good friends to me.  The fact that you all are who you all are, for that I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my family.  All of my family, blood or not.  Here or gone.  For without family, I would be nothing.  I would not exist had family that is blood but gone not done their part and had family that was blood and still here not raised me I wouldn't be the man I am today.  I would be even more naive had my family that isn't blood but here not been here to open my eyes to the world as I never known it.  For all of my family, I am thankful.  I love each of you very much so, no matter if we are bickering or not.

I am thankful for my mom.  I know it's cliche' for people to be thankful for their mother, but I am.  She showed me through hard work, dedication, and determination that you can get through the hard times and into better, brighter, happier times.  Even if you fall right back into a hard time.  She showed me that you just have to pick yourself back up and get back through it.  She showed me that love is not just word spoken, but it is also sacrificing for the person who you are speaking the word to.  She showed me that love is sticking by the one you love and not giving up but working through things.  She showed me that love still exist even when you don't agree with ones way of life.

Finally, I am thankful that I have had my moment.  You see a moment is different for each person.  It's the moment that changes that persons life forever.  My moment was the night I quit using meth.  It was when I realized that I was truly above all the stupid, pointless, life ruining drugs that I had been using going as far back as when I was 17.  It was when I realized that if I wanted my life to get any better I was going to have to start working hard for it.  I had to make my life better.  I could no longer just sit around and wait for a better life to just happen.  I couldn't just keep depending on others to take care of everything for me.  I had to be independent.  I had to stand on my own two feet.  Now I'm far from 100% independent, but I'm working towards it.  I am fighting for my independence.  I'm fighting to bettering my life.

And that is why, my moment is what I'm most thankful for!

Well and my momma of course!

Just One of Those Days...

Today turned out to be one of those days for me.  I got plenty of sleep last night, slept good, woke up on time and was at work nice and on time.

It's not that I was a bad mood...sad mood...happy mood....or anything like that....I just felt blah.

I wasn't my usual perky morning person, I was just another body in the crowd; which that I a am far from being.  I truly am one of a kind in many ways.  Most anyone who knows me will tell you they could never forget who I am and they always know when I'm around.  Today, however, was totally different.

I felt off.

I felt there but not.

I felt myself over working myself before I could have the chance to over work myself.

So I had a coworker who wanted to come in and work anyways come in and work for me so that I could leave and I knew my last feeling was right.  Even though I still have two shifts left I was already at 34.something hours. Had I stayed tonight it would have put me at close to, if not barely over, 40 hours.  Although I have worked 60 hour weeks here recently, it was when I started having more and more break downs from just sheer exhaustion.

I've noticed something I do even since I quit using Meth; I started using work as my distraction from wanting to use.  I also used work as a distraction from my loneliness I feel when I hang out in my room alone during the day.

By "using work as a distraction"  I mean picking up shifts, coming in early, working a lot of doubles or my days off just to keep myself from having to sit at home alone left to my thoughts.

So I've started this habit of picking up more and more hours at my job, which in turns typically leads me to exhaustion and episodes of depression; I trade my meth addiction for a work addiction.

Which the work addiction is surprisingly harder for me to quit than my meth addiction was.

This is because when I'm at work, I feel wanted, needed, and even at rare times I feel appreciated.  Being at work fills the loneliness I get when I'm at home.  See I don't do my job for the money, or the "job security", or any of those other dumb reasons people get into nursing.  I do my job because I love help people, love to care for people, and love being in the medical field.

At my job, sometimes the workers are all the resident has.  We are like their family.  So naturally you want to be around your family like 24/7 right?

Of course not.  Just like with everything else in life, you should never be around or do something for 24 hours straight every day of the week.  You must take breaks, you must enjoy your time off, and you must relax.

This is something I need to work on doing, taking breaks and relaxing.

So now that I know my feelings earlier were just those "one of those days" feelings, I feel better since I can identify the issue.  Now the question is, to come up with a solution that is good for me.

Until next time!

Walta