Dear Momma,

Dear Momma,

It's me, your baby boy, here to write you a letter different than anything I have been able to say to you in person.

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To start out, I want to thank you for being the hardworking, caring, loving, and wise mother that you are.  I want to thank you for being patience with me while I try to grow and mature.  I want to thank you for being the forgiving woman that you are to me no matter how many bad things I do.  I want to thank you for being the example of strength to me as you don't let any hard times keep you down or hold you back in life.

On that note, I want to begin by saying I'm sorry.  I'm sorry I have done you wrong many times.  I'm sorry I have acted like a spoiled brat so much in my life.  I'm sorry that I can not be exactly like you.

And for once, I am not saying that in a sarcastic way like I normally would during a fight.  I am saying that from the bottom of my heart because I no matter how hard I try, I am unable to be like you in the way of your strength.  I let hard times keep me down; I let hard times hold me back in life.  I am unable to be strong through the hard times to see that the grass in greener on the other side.

Although, I am able to say that thanks to you, I am able to start learning how to harness my inner strength to get through the hard times.  Everyday, even if you don't see it, you are showing me how to beacon of strength for a family that is meant to be a sitcom on T.V.

For example, last night you showed me how you are able to be strong enough to forgive me for stealing your $100 dollar birthday money last year.  I couldn't lie to you anymore about it, and I am truly sorry for what I did.  I know you are understanding and forgiving to me because I was on drugs at the time I stole it; to me that is not an excuse though.  Being on drugs or not, I should have never stolen your money.  You do everything for me and I took a present given to you to give yourself a break from all you do.  I will pay you back for that, I promise you that with all my heart.

With interest.

I know I usually am not the best at paying you back, but this time I truly mean it.

You have been nothing but an amazing women.  You have sacrificed your life for your family.  You took time off of work to be there with your recovering children.  Before taking time off, you still spent every moment you weren't working at the hospital with at least one of your children.  Before any of your children were hospitalized, you spent every day: waking up your grown kids, giving them rides to work or school, paying bills for everyone, and anything else you were needed to do.

As I type you are driving two of your kids around to appointments before you have to work tonight.

That is love.  

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For Christmas I bought you a necklace that says "Mom is the Heart of Our Family" because it is so true.  The heart works to get blood throughout the body to keep it going.  Which is what you do; you work to keep everyone you love going, growing, and getting through the dark times.  Without you I know our family would fall apart.  We would not be able to keep going.

You are someone we can all always call on or come to just to talk about things.  Someone to come to for advice.  Someone to come to for help and guidance.  Someone who is willing to be accepting and understanding of things you may not agree with.  Someone we all need in our own special way.  

So Mom, I want to write you this, knowing my siblings would agree with me in telling you that we appreciate you, we admire you, we aspire to be half the person you are, we aim to make you proud, and we love you with all of our hearts.

Image found with Bing

Sincerely,

Your baby boy Walter

  

July 4th, 2014, when change first began

Being that today is November 13th, 2014 it has been 132 days since I got sober from Meth, Tina, Party, or whatever name you may know it by.  132 days is a small feat it may seem but to me I am quite proud of every day that passes by for increasing my sobriety number.  

Although I was not addicted to meth for as long as some people are, I was already starting to loss control of my addiction.   Everyone says that you got to control your addiction and not let it control you.

That doesn't happen, eventually all addictions take control of their lives.

Mine started with just using when I needed to stay awake for long periods of time studying or doing whatever.  But I would only do a small amount every few days when needed.  Then I started having finals in my summer courses of college so I needed to stay awake for a few days at a time and study or work on projects.  Then I met my ex boyfriend, which was a heavy daily user.  Which then allowed me to release control of my addiction to it's self; It was then that my addiction took control of me.

I won't name names of to who my ex is, out of respect and privacy, but we will refer to him as he, or him, or his

He would want to smoke all day every day, so we would.  I went from doing 0.4 grams every 3 or for days to doing a teener (1.75 grams) a day with him.  I was in love.  I thought I was in love.  I thought he was the one for me.  It took me a long time to realize he wasn't.  Even after you told me to my face he would choose meth over me any day, I still believed he cared for me the way I did for him.

But that is a different story.

Anyways..
after mine and his many break ups I started using uncontrollably.  I stayed up for days and days on in staying awake and either painting, playing on the computer, or whoring out in my room.  Things for me continued to spiral out of control for me until I finally took a moment to sit back and thank of all the people I know who had been using for years, him (my ex) included.  I did not to turn out like them, I had bigger plans for my life.  So I flushed what I had left, broke my pipes and all paraphernalia (or however the word is spelt) and never looked back.

To me, that is how I get about quitting drugs, I just quit doing them.

Things for you might be different.  But quitting is something everyone can do! No matter how long you have been using you can quit! I'm no expert but let me give you a couple suggestions:

Walta's Suggestions for Getting Sober:

• Make sure you don't try to quit unless you truly fully want to quit using whatever drug it may be you are using
• Destroy all objects that were utensils in your use
• Build a support system, if you don't have anyone that knows you are using and don't use themselves, tell them and tell them you need them to be there to support you.
• Sleep for three days.  No matter what your using, it's said that the first three days of recovery are the worse so why not sleep through them if possible? Take time off work or even school so you can sleep
• Be willing and able to talk about your addiction. Be that Narcotics Anonymous , a therapist or counselor, or even a blog.  So way that allows you to get things off your chest
• Download an app that counts for you and shows your how many days you have been sober.  I use Numerous on my iPhone and its the best

These are the few suggestions I can think of right now that have helped me out a lot.  Please feel free to comment and tell me some ideas you have to help build this list.

I know that many of those who read this may not even know me or even know that I was using but again I am proud to say; I Walta have been sober from Meth for 132 days.   I'm proud of myself, and I will keep being strong. 

I urge anyone who is addicted and that is wanting to get sober to do it! Reach out to me if you need someone to talk to, I am always here for people!

Dealing With Whats Your Closet

I don't know about you, but I know when I came out of the closet I proceeded to shut the closet door and leave all that stupid shit behind.  Well I'm slowly starting to see that is NOT the way to handle things.  I have been seeing a psychiatrist for a couple months now and in our last get together on Monday he asked me if I was seeing a therapist.  When I told him no he laughed and said, "So you complete by passed the therapist before coming to the psychiatrist?"  I sure in the hell did! I have a bad history with therapy where I was always told I was the cause of all the problems even though I was just an 8 year old child.  But I'm not going to allow my past to affect my now and my future so heavily.  This new therapist told me that it was time to talk and get those damn skeletons out of the closet so I will.  One by one for each meeting we have have weekly for now.

I recommend everyone does that.   Maybe you don't have the money for therapy, or the time, or even the desire to go see a therapist.  Create a blog and make that your therapy session.  This post here will be about my first skeleton.

My first skeleton is that I always feel lonely and unwanted.  Although I've never wanted to admit it, a big reason why I feel this way is because my real father wasn't in my life until I was 13 years old and then the moment he found out I was gay he split when I was 15.  Those two years we spent a lot of time together were great.  He showed me how much I love to golf, how amazing Minsky's Pizza is, and that video game golf was just as fun as the real deal.  Then he left. Disappeared.  Informed me he had his new family and his new kids and had done it write this time so he didn't need me or my sister anymore.

I thought I was find with this.  Hell I had gone 13 years without knowing the man I didn't think it would be much different now that he was gone again.

But my therapist pointed out how since that happened I seem to date or attempt to date guys that don't stick around past 3 weeks.  I do this because I think I can fix whatever the issue is that causes guys to leave after 3 weeks.  Subconsciously I'm doing this to try and fix my thoughts of being unwanted by my dad by choosing the same kinda douche bags that he is.

After my therapist said that, it made since.  That is something I do.  As soon as I meet a guy I tell them about my three week curse then upon three weeks when they wanna split I do everything in my power to try and fix whatever it is that's causing them to wanna leave.  When  in reality it's just because were not compatible, it was nothing to do with me like I think, but everything to do with chemistry.

I will say this in my defense.  Since I got sober from Meth on July 4, 2014, I have dealt with only one guy who has showed the whole 3 week curse.  But he needed to be gone anyways because he wasn't good for me anyways.

And yes I said since I got sober from Meth on July 4th of this year! 131 days! My next post will be about how I did it and tips to help you or a friend or loved one!

I leave you know with this quote that I have no clue where it came from or who said it but they couldn't have been anymore more right:
"You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one"

Think over that one until my next post.who read my posts!

Thanks always & forever!
Walter Moore

By My Side

Still working hard to get the Poem section of the blog up and running!

Whats your favorite idea for a "name" for the section? Comment and let me know!

Poems

Poetry

Poetry Corner

WaMoo-Poems-4-You

Any other ideas are welcome!! Like I've said before this isn't going to be a poetry spot for just me it will be for EVERYONE to have a place to show their talent and skill!

After spending many days going through all my drives, e.i. Google Drive, Dropbox, Box, Skydrive, I finally was able to locate the other poem I recently wrote!! I also found my final draft of "The Thief" which I truly love!

Today I will be attaching my other poem for y'all to read.  "The Thief" final copy will be revealed on the poem sections opening day :)

By My Side

As I lay here,

You by my side,

A mind full of fear,

A heart on a ride.

My joy is right here,

My pain has to hide,

I hold back a tear,

Fake a smile so wide,

To you it must seem mere,

The thoughts locked inside,

Though this one should be clear,

I’ll announce it with pride:

Baby, forever I'll lay here,

If you're by my side

The Thief

I haven’t quite mastered the “Poem" section of the blog so until this I will just periodically post poems here until it is all figured out.  This here is the first, true, non-school related poem I ever wrote.  I wrote it for the love of my life.  The poem probably won’t make any sense, with many errors, but that's life.  I’m proud of my poem and the way it relays it’s message.  Hope y’all somewhat enjoy it! Here is goes!

The Thief

By: Walter Moore

No thief of one’s money

nor silver of gold

He’ll leave you your jewelry

Both new and the old

When he sees what he wants

He goes for it fast

His voice is what charms you

Making time dance on past

Your end is his stories

That show his past pain

From this moment on

The Thief's on your brain

With both your souls open

Arms around each other

You’ll gaze in his eyes

As he pulls you closer

He’ll caress of your back

Your spine gets a chill

You feel both hearts racing

Then succumbing to their will

It’s behind these closed doors

That lust turns to passion

From this moment on

The Thief’s your attraction

You know you're in love

While your hand in hand

Wrapped up in his arms

Your dreams growing so grand

His breath fully wakes you

Each one tickles your ear

You still think you’re dreaming

There is no way he’s here

As time really goes fast

to him you stake claim

From this moment on

The Thief holds your flame

The time so far shared

May only equal a week

But each day your love grows

With him perfection you seek

But some thoughts are just dreams

Twas just your misery taunting

He starts to withdraw

A smile so haunting

You two fight and y’all argue

Both words cause such a fray

From this moment on

The Thief has the say

From your life he then walked

Your happiness went with him

While stuck in your bed

You feel life turn grim

Pour your heart into letters

Praying your cries he’ll hear

Your mind plays a cruel game

Making love feel so near

With one last attempt

You bare him your soul

From this moment on

The Thief makes you whole

Your friends and your family

Lovingly give you such grief

For they just can’t see

Why you love the thief

He’s no crook nor a bad guy

He’s just like us all

What they do not know

Is this was all Fate’s call

You weren't in control

In the end or the start

From that moment on

The Thief stole your heart  <3

Carefree Was The Way To Be!

Remember when life was all about how much time could we spend outside with our friends? When the saddest thing we had to deal with was when the sun started to go down and our mothers would be yelling our name from the front door to tell us it was time to come in?

I remember those days and boy do I miss them! For Christmas my grandmother got me the best shirt I have ever owned in my life time! Stylish? No. Expensive? Not possible. Perfect saying? Totally!

What's it say??

"As kids we couldn't wait to grow up
wow, were we stupid"

Is that not beyond true? Me, there wasn't a single day that went by that I wasn't praying, wishing, and impatiently waiting for the day I grew up and became an "Adult".  Now, there isn't a single day that goes by that I am not praying, wishing, and impatiently waiting for the day a time machine is invented so that I can go back to being a kid again!

I ask myself, "Why the heck did I ever want to be an Adult?"

Working?
Bills?
Responsibilities?

There wasn't any of that stuff in my fantasies of adulthood.  Probably because it was never really something I saw.  Well the struggle side at least.  Yes my mom would have to go off to work, for long long hours, but it was something she loved to do so she didn't complain much.  Of course we had bills, but its not something she openly shared with her young children, so I was quite naive to them all together.  Responsibilities, pretty much just like bills, naive from lack of knowledge.

Now being grown does have its perks, but I have yet to find one that is better than living a life carefree like a child does.

Outing At The Playground

As a young 4 year old, there wasn't a single care in life to make me second guess someone or to act differently due to fear.  In my eyes, as well as many others, the world was a playground and everyone was here to play!

But as we grow up, this vision of life slowly and completely evaporates from our life's, replaced by mistrust due to dishonesty from those around us.  Why is this?  Why is it that as humans we always want to boast about being "100% real" or a "no liar" yet we can't even be true to ourselves, others, and people as a whole?

For example, I am a firm believer in giving closeted or a "not out" gay plenty of time to fully come out the closet at their own personal pace.  It is not something that can be rushed and it is something that must happen in a way that is most comfortable for everyone, but most of all whoever is coming out MUST be comfortable.  That being say, although I condone taking time to come out, what I do not condone are those who wish to remain "discreet" because they are married, in a relationship, super religious or strict parents, etc.  Why? Because your not being real, your not being honest, which causes there to be a lack of trust in people!

If your married, than good God man why are you stepping out?  If you are obviously not happy where you are then it is time to reevaluate your life, your wants, and your desires.  If you are a man who is married to a women but secretly on Grindr, Jack'd, or adam4adam looking to find some "discreet" play time buddies then you have gotten to be one of the biggest reasons why trust is such an issue.

That is because you aren't just causing distrust in your own personal home, but your actions will always leave a thought deep in the head of your "discreet friend" that will cause him to question his future partner down the road.  You will also begin to have the same mental paranoia that your wife is stepping out just like you and the cycle just grows from there.  Distrust is like the flu or the common cold, extremely contagious. This applies to those in a relationship as well,  stray true, stay faithful, stay trustworthy.

To those who have super religious or super strict parents and think that can excuse them from every fully admitting who they are, who they love, and what not, this is false.  Yes it gives you a little extra time if your under 18 years old.  Then I can respect and understand why you want to wait.  But your 26 year old, live on  your own, graduated college, own car, support yourself and live far form your parents; zero excuse.  One, your over 18 what are you afraid they are going to do?

In my years, every closeted gay's number one fear is that their parents will quit communicating with, or "disown", them forever because they are southern baptist and strict.  Well I too had that exact fear.  I tried everything to keep my secret my secret, and my mom being the sweet angel that she is, she went through a period of time when she was fed up with how my sister and I were behaving so she was overly strict.  In fact, I was shipped of a juvenile psych ward because she found out I was a pot smoker and drinker.  So instead of shipping me off to rehab against my will, at the age of 16, she called the police and said I had threatened to kill myself so that I would be held at St. Luke's in a little country town.  To make a long story short, I was outed by a night time nurse when my mom called up to check up on my progress.

My Mother and I, she's my rock and my idol

You know how she took it? My strict southern baptist mother who had just lied to have me admitted into a psych ward?  She said what I can guarantee at least 75% of those with strict religious parents will say: "Well I don't agree, condone, or support you choosing to sin your life away, you are still my child and I will always love you.  No matter what."

My mom, nephew, and I going to a movie.

In the end, being outed to my mother brought us closer than we have ever been in the 8 years prior.   It is something I am glad happened because the feeling as I released the last boulder on my shoulder was heavenly.  I was finally at peace for the first time in my 16 year of life.  It was the first time I could honestly say I was living without lying.  It was also when my mom started to trust me again.

I can honestly admit that I had re-achieved the feeling of being a 4 year old looking at life as a giant playground.

That feeling didn't last long simply because It became very clear that no one else was living a lie-free life. When I started to see the world as a giant playground again, is when I really got a chance to see how as people grew up, the playground drastically changed; a change that was far from being a good one at that.

Love's True Fairy Tale

Love is something everyone is looking for, right?
The emotion we all yearn to feel at some point in our lives, right?
But who can honestly fully define and explain what love is?

A simple search on Google.com pulls up their definition of love as an intense feeling of deep affection.
Next it shows the Merriam-Webster Dictionary website definition of love as a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person.
Finally it show's our friends from UrbanDictionary.com's definition of  love as nature's way of tricking people into reproducing.

Now, which one of these is the real-life definition?  I believe all of these definitions are accurate and wrong, at the same time.  I believe this because we all know we openly profess our deep love for someone that we have strong feelings for from our extreme attraction to them making us want to be affectionate with them so that we can, in the cause of the heterosexual community, reproduce little babies to carry on our name.  As for us homosexuals, well we just love sex so we to pretend that we can procreate.

Yet this and the other definitions are still missing many factors.  No where are you informed that love is:

Hard-work
Painful
Confusing
Misleading
Always Changing 

Love is about as predictable as trying to say what you will be doing a 2:15 pm on August 31st, 2024.  No one seems to teach people that love is not only the best thing to happen to us, it is also the worse.

In my experience, love always starts out as a breath-taking feeling that creeps up out of nowhere when it is least expected, usually with someone who I never thought could make me feel that way.  During a blissful time,I go blinded to what is going on around me, so it is always a complete shock when suddenly life drops a bomb on me.  You see, every time I blessed with the feelings of love, I am also very much reminded that love is not always the fairy tale we dream.  That's when the other side of love shows its hideous face. 

Heartbreak

Inner pain

Depression

Agony

Photo from http://picsbox.biz

These are parts of love that we aren't shown by Disney or any other network as we grow up. Would we really want to find love if we knew that Cinderella suffered from a drug addiction and depression because the prince before Charming didn't love her the same as she did him? Or that the Beast was really off in that castle isolating himself from the villagers to protect them since he went stark crazy after Beautimous, his lady before Beauty, had laid in bed with half the village while he worked all day?

Photo from www.merchantcircle.com

Of course they don't show that to young vulnerable minds. No, that is not how all relationships play out. Fairy tales do eventually come true for us all.  At some point in life, at a time and place unbeknownst to us we are over take by that euphoric feeling of love again.  This time however, it is not a short high that is then followed by a devastating low, but a everlasting high that has numerous short spurts of fights and disagreements. These disagreement are there just to remind us we are human and can overcome any obstacle with the one we love.

What should you take from this??

It's time to grow up my young friend.
Life is not a Disney Cartoon.
Love is not easy.
Love is not always good nor is it always bad.
Each experience is personal and an opportunity to learn, so take it!

Please leave comments and thoughts and let us continue writing Love's True Fairy Tale

Persistence: When You go for What You REALLY Want!

I messaged this guy on a dating site who I had been communicating with quite a bit before the winter break from school.  

He's a little older than me, a professional in the work world, new and discreet in the gay community.  Now, normally I am anti "discreet" guys because I feel they just use it as a reason to get as much booty as possible without their spouses finding out or even having to admit they have homosexual feelings.  To me they aren't being real or proud of who they are.  Yet this guy, he was different. Not once did he try to get into my pants, to see my locked pics, or anything inappropriate for that matter.  No, he was a gentleman.  From what I could see he was the definition of what a gentleman was, just in a rough mental place battling with his homosexuality.  I don't blame him, not one bit, and no gay male should because we have all been in his shoes before.  I have always respected him and his wished because he was always honest with me, which is about as rare in the Kansas City gay community as it is to find a guy who doesn't know my ex.  

Anyways, lets refer to my discreet friend as Slim.  Right at the beginning of winter break Slim and I had a falling out over a misunderstanding. I had asked him when I was going to get to see his face pics because I had no clue what he looked like. He took this statement as I was being aggressive and pushy, which I can see because I can be pretty invasive on accident. Long story short, he cut our online messaged based friendship to an end after that. After a month of him not responding to my few messages I sent him, he finally caved and messaged me back today. My messages was simple but straight to the point:


"Really enjoyed our chats and w wish you would j understand the miss understanding so we can continue to chat"


Obviously there are grammatical issues (dang you cold weather messing up my tablet typing) but the point was still clear. To my surprise it was given a response i was shocked to get. He started the message with the simple phrase "I've always admired persistence" before going on catching up with me.  My response to that opening statement was simple stating I had master the skill years ago because when its something I want I will get it.  

Is that not how we should all be? I mean if you really want something you can't expect it to just come easy as pie to you. All things that are good in life are easy and aren't free!  Whether your paying with cash or determination and hard work.  I have always been known as the spoiled boy who got everything from mommy and gram gram. To and extent its true, but even when they are buying me something or paying something for me I have to work around the house for it.  Otherwise I'm working hard at my job or even getting a second one to make things happen.  Persistence is one of the skills that really defines us as human beans. I believe those who are persistent are strong and those who expect it given to them freely are weak. 

Which are you?

New Year New ??

The date is currently the 5th day of January 2014.  Who else didn't believe there would be a year such like this? Hell I remember growing up and watching the Jetsons which let me to believe by 2010 society was going to be way different.  Flying cars, robot maids, and living in outer space was what once filled my thoughts of the future.  Instead, in the year 2014, we have Apple with fingerprint scanners, laptops with 3G/4G plus WiFi connections, and vehicles that can first direct you where to drive after you push the button to start it then secondly direct you to parallel park in front of the building.  Not the future imagined by most yet it is the future we know!  With each year that passes, there is also something changing causing use to grow, learn, and change our ways or reasons to do everyday task.  These changes in technology make our day to day life's easier and easier.  So this means change is good right?

Then how come people don not ever want to change. Everyone says they will always be the same, or they have always been the same, but that is not true is it?  If you say its true then you mean to tell me you still crap/piss yourself like babies not toilet trained do? Or you still have to have your back patted in order to get the air bubble form inside you out since you can't on your own? May be a couple overly drastic examples but the point is still made.  Most may not what to admit it but we all change in some way at some point during our journey through it all. In fact, I don't want to imagine life without change.

So with this new year we have lots to look forward to in technology.  What exactly, well I'm not sure off the top of my head.  However, I am for sure of the changes I will be making in the upcoming year.  My major planned change is going to be to truly make school my number one priority.  No longer will I let any guy, friend, or job hold me back and cause me to fail.  I will proceed and make major steps in the right direction.  So my question to you is this: What's the New Year's New You gonna be like?