Dear Momma,

Dear Momma,

It's me, your baby boy, here to write you a letter different than anything I have been able to say to you in person.

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To start out, I want to thank you for being the hardworking, caring, loving, and wise mother that you are.  I want to thank you for being patience with me while I try to grow and mature.  I want to thank you for being the forgiving woman that you are to me no matter how many bad things I do.  I want to thank you for being the example of strength to me as you don't let any hard times keep you down or hold you back in life.

On that note, I want to begin by saying I'm sorry.  I'm sorry I have done you wrong many times.  I'm sorry I have acted like a spoiled brat so much in my life.  I'm sorry that I can not be exactly like you.

And for once, I am not saying that in a sarcastic way like I normally would during a fight.  I am saying that from the bottom of my heart because I no matter how hard I try, I am unable to be like you in the way of your strength.  I let hard times keep me down; I let hard times hold me back in life.  I am unable to be strong through the hard times to see that the grass in greener on the other side.

Although, I am able to say that thanks to you, I am able to start learning how to harness my inner strength to get through the hard times.  Everyday, even if you don't see it, you are showing me how to beacon of strength for a family that is meant to be a sitcom on T.V.

For example, last night you showed me how you are able to be strong enough to forgive me for stealing your $100 dollar birthday money last year.  I couldn't lie to you anymore about it, and I am truly sorry for what I did.  I know you are understanding and forgiving to me because I was on drugs at the time I stole it; to me that is not an excuse though.  Being on drugs or not, I should have never stolen your money.  You do everything for me and I took a present given to you to give yourself a break from all you do.  I will pay you back for that, I promise you that with all my heart.

With interest.

I know I usually am not the best at paying you back, but this time I truly mean it.

You have been nothing but an amazing women.  You have sacrificed your life for your family.  You took time off of work to be there with your recovering children.  Before taking time off, you still spent every moment you weren't working at the hospital with at least one of your children.  Before any of your children were hospitalized, you spent every day: waking up your grown kids, giving them rides to work or school, paying bills for everyone, and anything else you were needed to do.

As I type you are driving two of your kids around to appointments before you have to work tonight.

That is love.  

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For Christmas I bought you a necklace that says "Mom is the Heart of Our Family" because it is so true.  The heart works to get blood throughout the body to keep it going.  Which is what you do; you work to keep everyone you love going, growing, and getting through the dark times.  Without you I know our family would fall apart.  We would not be able to keep going.

You are someone we can all always call on or come to just to talk about things.  Someone to come to for advice.  Someone to come to for help and guidance.  Someone who is willing to be accepting and understanding of things you may not agree with.  Someone we all need in our own special way.  

So Mom, I want to write you this, knowing my siblings would agree with me in telling you that we appreciate you, we admire you, we aspire to be half the person you are, we aim to make you proud, and we love you with all of our hearts.

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Sincerely,

Your baby boy Walter

  

The Bottle

When many people hear “the bottle” they automatically assume it means someone has been “hitting the bottle” and getting drunk.  Which in a way is very much so true.  The real bottle that needs to be discussed is what is hiding in the internal bottle that is making that person down that bottle to get drunk?  What many people don’t understand or want to admit is that behind each and every drug addiction there is at least one bottle, if not multiple, that has been filled with a bad memory with the emotions it brings up, wide tightly twisted on, and placed away in one’s mind to be forgotten about.

Yet, it’s never fully forgotten about.
The emotions never fully go away.
They are just masked by the drugs, by the booze, by the working, or by whatever addiction that person is suffering form.  In order to deal with the addiction, the bottles have to be dealt with as well.  Through therapy, through talking about it, in whatever matter works best for that person!  For me it has been therapy and blogging.
These two outlets have helped me deal with my meth addiction, my sex addiction, and many other things.

My sex addiction hasn't been quite discussed on my blog much because part of me wanted to believe that I was only having sex a lot because of the meth.  I have now realized I cannot continue to blame meth when my sex addiction goes back much further than my meth addiction.  Now I have always been addicted to something or other at some point since I was 17.  I would go two to five months at a time without being addicted or using something above weed, but none the less I have dealt with addiction since I was 17.

I have carried around many bottles on my shoulders (deep in my mind) since I was 17.

Before I get too far off track, my sex addiction, has become more clear to me because I can look back and realize I had so many flings, one night stands, super short term boyfriends, fuck buddies, and what have you because it was my way with dealing with feelings of loneliness.  A feeling I got after my real father left my life again.  So, I had sex.  A lot.

And I’m sorry mom for whenever you read this but I feel it is best for me to simply but it out there.

To put it into perspective for you all.  I didn't lose my virginity until I was almost 18 years old (right around the same time I was getting all my DWIs).  From the age of 18 to the age of 21 and a half when I started working at my current job I had sex with approximately 40 guys, give or take ten.  Hell honestly I had lost count until one evening when me and a nurse decided we were going to come up with out “list” so we could know our number.  He is 15 years my senior and his number was less than double digits.  My numbers had grown higher than the amount of years he was old in four years.

Once I started working at my job, my numbers steadily went up.  It is to the point now that I couldn’t even begin to tell you the number of guys I have had sex with.  To be completely safe and honest, the number is probably in the 100’s.

I remember in one day, I was so depressed and lonely after my ex and I had ended things for our last time, I had sex with four different guys in a matter of 24 hours.

Now I now saying all this is going to have people judging me or thinking I’m so STD infested person, but I’m not.  I am clean, get tested every three months, and am not the sexual whore I was.  Since I quit using meth I was still being a whore.  That’s how I know I couldn't blame meth, it was after my therapy appoint where I finally opened and dealt with my bottle causing my loneliness that I haven’t had the urge or need to have sex with anyone.  Yes I still get horny, but I think since I’m a guy that is a curse I will always have to deal with.  Now I redirect my hormones into being productive. Into blogging, coming up with new ways to blog (aka the YouTube video plans), or into working on projects at work.  Now I am only sexually active with one person, the only person I want to be sexually active with.

Now I know this blog is going to upset a lot of guys, a lot of guys I have pretty much been playing.  To you guys, I am so very sorry.  For someone who has been played and used by guys I shouldn't have ever done that to you guys, but I did.  I would understand completely if you guys were to defriend me on Facebook, delete my number from your phones, or completely just cut me out of your lives.  I understand that, I can’t take back what I have done.  All I can do is tell you that I am truly, wholeheartedly, 100% sorry for what I have done to you.  For lying.  For leading.  For playing.  For using.

This opening up about my sex addiction is my way of showing that once you deal with the bottles causing the addictions, you will be able to deal with the addictions.  Addiction isn't something that is easy to deal with.  We all need help in some way with dealing with them.  We can’t do it alone so don’t be afraid to ask for help! After you detox, after you rehab, you will need therapy.  Some people don’t need the rehab part, they are able to detox and not use again, if they go through therapy and talk to someone.

Therapy has saved my life, therapy has showed me that it is better to open the bottles and deal with the emotions and memories that it is to allow those bottles to weigh on your shoulders for the rest of your life.


I write this blog today after a conversation with a certain loved one of mine.  When you read this, I hope you know I do love you.  With all my heart.  No matter how my blogs prior to this one have talked about you, I will always want the best for you.  I will always be here to help you through the dark times.  Because you are someone I know can take over the world and will once you get your head right!  These dark times can be concurred together.  I love you forever and for always!

A Wednesday I'll Always Remember

Things started out as a typical Wednesday for me, a good Wednesday even.  Woke up early and saw a text from one of my bosses asking if I could come in to work.  I told her, as long as I could leave long enough to go to my 10:00 am therapy appointment, I would come in.  She said that was fine and even offered to give me the evening shift off but I said no because I wanted the overtime.

At that moment I wanted the overtime.

So I went into work, busted my butt for about an hour and a half, then had to jet off to my therapy appointment.  

My therapy appointment went good.  I told him about the letter to my real dad and how it had felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  How I was happier.  How I felt closure.  He was happy, could see my demeanor, and was congratulating me on my progress so far. 

It was then that I started talking to him and telling him how even though I was happier in that area I was extremely unhappy and even feeling depressed sometimes because of my work environment.

I told him how it always seemed, no matter how hard I tried or how hard I worked, I always had a boss out to get me.  This is what was pulling me down, making me feel depressed at times.  Even making me feel competitive at times because the way she made me feel made me want to show that I was a harder, better, stronger worker than she was.

I look back now and I feel like I have been childish about our whole relationship at times.  I've always had a problem with authority.  So, I think the fact I struggled with her without knowing why she didn't really like me caused me to be so affected by her.

I then told him how I felt like even when I was at work, I was still at work.  I have felt like my home life has sorta became another work environment for me.  Having two sisters come home from stints in the hospital before thanksgiving caused me to go into full blown "nurse" mode.  I scheduled (or set the times) for one sister's medication and became active in the treatment of the other sister's wound.

Although I love my siblings, love what I do, coming home and feeling like you still gotta work drains me,

But I wouldn't know what to do if it was any other way.

Finally, I told my therapist about how it saddened me to watch my mother take care of so many different people in our families.  I have watched a women hustle my entire life to take care of her family. Which hasn't stopped even though she is in her late 40's with children all grown.  She still sacrifices so much for her children it kills me that she isn't able to enjoy her life the way she should.

It reminds me of a line in Iggy Azalea's song "Work" where she says how one day she wants to thank her mother for the sacrifice she made.

That is something I aspire to do, but find it so hard because I feel like no matter what I am doing I keep falling back twos steps, although that is how life always feels even when its not true.

Back to my therapy appointment, after hearing these things my therapist told me I needed to sit down with my highest boss and explain how I couldn't keep feeling like my other boss was out to get me or I would have to find new work immediately.  He also said I need to work really hard to be able to move out of my mothers house.  He thinks it would help with my issues a lot if I was completely dependent upon myself.  Which I can agree with completely

Just can be scary.

So After my therapy appointment, I started heading back to work, send a text to two of my bosses.  One saying I needed to speak with her about a work issue per my therapist; the other to tell her to let another worker have my evening shift so I could take it off and relax.

Both conversations went well, and the rest of my 7-3 shift went great as well.  When I got off work, I was still smiling and happy heading home.  I'm not completely sure when the night turned bad, but when it did, it was something I have never experienced before.

I was sitting in my room when my mom asked if I wanted to go with her to take my sisters to the library and to eat.  Since I couldn't find any friends to hang with I decided it would be good for me to get out of the house since I was already starting to feel down and sad.

So while in the car, I started a blog from my iPad.  When we got to the library I finished the blog.  With every moment passing I could feel myself becoming more and more down about myself and my life.

When we got to the restaurant I completely didn't feel like myself at this point.  About 15 minutes into being there is when I finally had to accept the fact I suffer from depression.  I say this because at that random moment in time, one of my sisters made a comment (a positive one not a negative one) about nursing school and I completely lost it.

I stepped outside to smoke on a cigarette for a moment allowing the cold air to fight back my tears.

As soon as I sat back down at our table, in the front of the restaurant, there was no more cold air to fight back the tears for me.  I tried to myself, but the battle was quickly lost.  No one knew what was wrong with me until I started blubbering about not being able to afford college and how I felt like I was never going to get into nursing school.

All things I know will happen at one point in my future just not at the fast past I want, but at that moment there was no telling me any different.  Finally my sister realized that what she had said was a trigger for my depression.  She held my arm and calmed me down.  My sister, the one I have felt like I have been needing to take care of since she returned home, was now needed to calm me down.

Her and I were the only ones at the table who suffered from depression.  That we know of.  She was the only one who knew how to help me through it the best way possible.

Her and my friend DJ, who I was texting with throughout the entire ordeal who turned around and drove 35 minutes from his house to mine to come and talk to me, chill with me, and get me to a place of relaxation to where I was able to feel normal again.

Without those two, that Wednesday night would have been a horrible mess for me.

Like they both have said, like my therapist has said, like my mother has said, it is all one step at a time.

And like Iggy Azalea said Impossible is Nothing

Nicki Minaj - Bed Of Lies (Official Audio) (Feat. Skylar Grey)

This song is just so true. To all. In many different ways.  Preformed perfectly.

"Bed Of Lies"
(feat. Skylar Grey)

Do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?
And I knew better than to look in your eyes
They only pretend you would be mine
And oh how you made me believe
You had me caught in every web that you weave
But do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?


You could never make eye contact
Everything you got was based off of my contacts
You a fraud, but I'mma remain icon-stat
Balenciaga's on my boots with the python strap
You was caught up in the rush, and you was caught up in the thrill of it
You was with me way before I hit a quarter mil' in it
Put you in the crib and you ain't never pay a bill in it
I was killin' it, man you got me poppin' pills in it
I told Baby hit you, I said this nigga buggin'
Cause I was doing it for us, I told 'em fuck the public
Couldn't believe that I was home alone contemplating
Overdosin', no more coastin', no more toastin' over oceans
They say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
They say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn
But there was something I should've asked all along
I'mma ask on the song


Do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?
And I knew better than to look in your eyes
They only pretend you would be mine
And oh how you made me believe
You had me caught in every web that you weave
But do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?


I just figured if you saw me, if you looked in my eyes
You'd remember our connection and be freed from the lies
I just figured I was something that you couldn't replace
But there was just a blank stare and I couldn't relate
I just couldn't understand and I couldn't defend
What we had, what we shared, and I couldn't pretend
When the tears roll down it's like you ain't even notice em
If you had a heart, I was hoping you that would've showed it some
What the fuck you really telling me, what you telling me
I could tell you lying, get the fuck out, don't yell at me
I ain't mean to cut you, I ain't wanna catch a felony
This ain't How To Be A Player, you ain't Bill Bellamy
They say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
They say that your darkest hour come before your dawn
But there was something that I should've asked all along
I'mma ask on the song


So does she know I've been in that bed before
A thousand count, and not a single thread of truth
If I was just another girl
Then I'm ashamed to say that I'm not over you
There's one thing I need to know
So call me, when you're not so busy just thinking of yourself


Do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?
And I knew better than to look in your eyes
They only pretend you would be mine
And oh how you made me believe
You had me caught in every web that you weave
But do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?

Dear Walter

Dear Walter A Moore I,

I am writing you this letter to clear up the air, to clear up my heart, and to hopefully clear up my future.  Originally I was going to write a "Dear Dad" letter but then I realized, I would be calling you the wrong thing.  At the most, "Dear Sperm Donor" would be good enough.  Out of respect I shall just write this as a normal letter with your name in it.

Where shall I begin?  Well first off I want to thank you for the few years of my life you were actually present and active in my life!  I grew up thinking mom had either adopted Nicole and I or that she was some how like the virgin Mary except without giving birth to God's children.  So when you were actually present it let me know where I had came from and allowed me to see the part of me that I had never known.

The good years were from 13 to 15.  We spent almost every weekend together, and every other Tuesday or Thursday together.  I can't honestly remember for sure off the top of my head because those two years and you were both buried into a cement cell in my head.

This cement cell has affected me more in life then I thought it would when I first created it at the age of 15.  I would have never thought back then that such a cell would weigh so much on my shoulders.

When I was 15, you bounced.  Again.  From my life.  No real reason was given.  I can only assume its because you checked your web browser history, saw that I was checking out gay blogs on xanga.com, and couldn't handle having a gay son.  This is fine.  Many people can't handle it.  Hell mom and I have just recently started talking about boys and dating and what have you with one another.  She found out I was gay when I was 16.  It might have taken about 7 years for the communication lines to open up but at least they did.  She didn't run.  She's strong.

When you left me for the second time, you did a word of damage that I never wanted to admit until now.  Now I have trust issues, relationship issues, drug issues, alcohol issues, and love issues.

I can't trust many people because I'm always afraid they are going to leave me just like you have.  I have had numerous friends, guys, hell even jobs since I was 15 and nearly all of them have been like revolving doors in my life because I have no trust.  No faith.

I have relationship issues because I go for guys who are just like you.  Which is surprising because I have always said I would never date a black guy because I would feel like I was dating you.  I may not have ever dated a black guy, but I have dated more guys that are like you than I'm happy to admit.  I date the guys that are pieces of shit, that are users, abusers, scum, and no good.  I date them because I'm convinced that I can change them.  I can make them better, I can make them amazing people, I can make them want to stay with me past 3 weeks.

Needless to say this is far from true.

But I don't want you to think I have always dated POS guys.  No, I have actually dated a handful of really great amazing guys.  Ones that treated me right, cared about me, wanted to be with me.  You want to know what I did with those guys? I sabotaged things.  I cheated, I lied, I became just like you in order to mess things up because I knew deep down they would run just like you.

I have had more drug addictions since the day you left than you can ever imagine.  Every last one of them was to fill the void that not having my father around left me.  Drugs masked the pain I felt deep down.  The loneliness I felt, the emptiness I felt all could be avoid by using drugs.  I am proud to say that I was able to conquer that issue on my own.  143 days sober as of today.

Alcohol was always my original way to handle to fact that you left me again.  Alcohol also one of the major things that destroyed my life.  Do you remember our last conversation we ever had?  I was 18 and was trying to tell you the outcome of my DWI cases.  You were under the impression I wanted money from you.  I might be a little stuck up in life, I might like the finer things, but never have I just wanted money from you.  I could careless about your money, I was just telling you what was going on in my life.  Although I'm not sure why because at that point you had your new family, your new daughter and son and didn't need me anymore remember?

Love is something I don't really think I know what the true meaning is.  Parents are who are suppose to show their children what love is.  Mom did her best to show me, but being a single parent for awhile meant she had to work a lot to take care of two kids because child support wasn't happening.  Yes she got remarried, but by that point my definition of love was already defined within my young mind.

Although you weren't there you still had a major impact in my life.  An impact I wish wasn't true.  You are truly a person I wish I could forget about.  That task is impossible to do because daily I am reminded of you just when I hear my name.  When I look in the mirror.  I think through my past and I have done things that you have done in your past.   Drank like a fish, smoked cigarettes, lied, cheated, and ditched.

This letter was not meant to be a bitch session.  A blame you for everything type.  No, this letter is to say I forgive you.  I understand you and mom couldn't stay together because the love was gone.  I know you had to do what was best for you.  I admire that, because I too want to do whats best for me.  This is why I am whole-heartedly forgive you.

This letter is to say I wish you the best.  This is where I would like to completely part ways.  I ask that  you please don't message me on Facebook anymore on my birthday or ask mom for my number to tell me happy birthday.  Or any other holiday you deem important enough to contact me.  I no longer harbor resentment for you, I no longer harbor anger or hatred for you.  I know you did what was best for you.  You didn't know the long term affects of those choices but being one of the individuals affected by your choices I won't let them affect me anymore.

I hope your life is good.  I hope your family is good.  I hope you live a long and happy life Walter.

Sincerely,

Walter A Moore II

Just One of Those Days...

Today turned out to be one of those days for me.  I got plenty of sleep last night, slept good, woke up on time and was at work nice and on time.

It's not that I was a bad mood...sad mood...happy mood....or anything like that....I just felt blah.

I wasn't my usual perky morning person, I was just another body in the crowd; which that I a am far from being.  I truly am one of a kind in many ways.  Most anyone who knows me will tell you they could never forget who I am and they always know when I'm around.  Today, however, was totally different.

I felt off.

I felt there but not.

I felt myself over working myself before I could have the chance to over work myself.

So I had a coworker who wanted to come in and work anyways come in and work for me so that I could leave and I knew my last feeling was right.  Even though I still have two shifts left I was already at 34.something hours. Had I stayed tonight it would have put me at close to, if not barely over, 40 hours.  Although I have worked 60 hour weeks here recently, it was when I started having more and more break downs from just sheer exhaustion.

I've noticed something I do even since I quit using Meth; I started using work as my distraction from wanting to use.  I also used work as a distraction from my loneliness I feel when I hang out in my room alone during the day.

By "using work as a distraction"  I mean picking up shifts, coming in early, working a lot of doubles or my days off just to keep myself from having to sit at home alone left to my thoughts.

So I've started this habit of picking up more and more hours at my job, which in turns typically leads me to exhaustion and episodes of depression; I trade my meth addiction for a work addiction.

Which the work addiction is surprisingly harder for me to quit than my meth addiction was.

This is because when I'm at work, I feel wanted, needed, and even at rare times I feel appreciated.  Being at work fills the loneliness I get when I'm at home.  See I don't do my job for the money, or the "job security", or any of those other dumb reasons people get into nursing.  I do my job because I love help people, love to care for people, and love being in the medical field.

At my job, sometimes the workers are all the resident has.  We are like their family.  So naturally you want to be around your family like 24/7 right?

Of course not.  Just like with everything else in life, you should never be around or do something for 24 hours straight every day of the week.  You must take breaks, you must enjoy your time off, and you must relax.

This is something I need to work on doing, taking breaks and relaxing.

So now that I know my feelings earlier were just those "one of those days" feelings, I feel better since I can identify the issue.  Now the question is, to come up with a solution that is good for me.

Until next time!

Walta