I haven't been on for awhile and posted anything. In part because I don't have a laptop anymore, but also because I got so worked up in working.
Which is a horrible reason because I was using work as a distraction from my problems. I think that is something I have always done. Worked 50 to 70 hours a week in order to keep my mind off of things that are going on in my life. Cuz when I am no working, I am left to my thoughts. Thoughts that drive me up the wall!
So I am back, back to release my thoughts. To open up to the world again. To hopefully help not only myself, but others as well.
To start with, today marks my 414 days clean from dope. Something everyday I am so proud of. It still is crazy to me that I ever allowed myself to get so addicted to something that I hated for so many years. I still find it unbelievable that I spent so much money and time using something that did nothing but mask my feelings. At the time it made sense, at the time it worked.
Now that I think about it, that is the same thing I am doing with work right now too. Using work to mask my feelings.
Speaking about work, I have gotten myself a new job. I left the nursing home that I worked at for over three years back in June and in July started working at another nursing home. I love it there. It is a lot of work at times, keeps me busy, but it also has me using more of my CMT skills and knowledge then I was before. This new place has also helped me decided that trying for my LPN is the best thing for me to do to kick start my nursing career.
So that is my plan for next August. To hopefully be accepted to this accelerated LPN program from one of the best schools around me.
I am excited
I am nervous
I am scared
But I am determined too!
Nursing is what I love, it is what I am passionate about, it is a job that I would love to wake up and do every single day of the week. It is where my heart is, so I must follow my heart!
Something I was always scared of doing; following my heart.
In the past my heart has lead me down painful pathways, but not this year. 2016 really has been the year for me. I have finally put myself first and my happiness first and have been nothing but satisfied since then. Putting myself first has allowed me to enjoyed my time, be happy with work, with friends, family, and in my new relationship.
Yes, that is right, I am not single.
For once this is a relationship that wasn't rushed. We met back in March and dated for months until I finally worked up the nerve to ask him to be my boyfriend on May 6th. Dating him has been one of the best times of my life. We never have a dull moment together. We always laugh, talk, and adventure.
He's understanding.
He's caring.
He's outgoing.
He's funny.
He's adorable.
He's all mine.
I could talk about his for hours honestly, but I know that would just lead to me rambling. So I wanted to end this out by saying I'm back!! Be ready for more post from me. Hopefully ones that are helpful of course!
Feel free to comment, I would love to hear from some of those who read these.
Things started out as a typical Wednesday for me, a good Wednesday even. Woke up early and saw a text from one of my bosses asking if I could come in to work. I told her, as long as I could leave long enough to go to my 10:00 am therapy appointment, I would come in. She said that was fine and even offered to give me the evening shift off but I said no because I wanted the overtime.
At that moment I wanted the overtime.
So I went into work, busted my butt for about an hour and a half, then had to jet off to my therapy appointment.
My therapy appointment went good. I told him about the letter to my real dad and how it had felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. How I was happier. How I felt closure. He was happy, could see my demeanor, and was congratulating me on my progress so far.
It was then that I started talking to him and telling him how even though I was happier in that area I was extremely unhappy and even feeling depressed sometimes because of my work environment.
I told him how it always seemed, no matter how hard I tried or how hard I worked, I always had a boss out to get me. This is what was pulling me down, making me feel depressed at times. Even making me feel competitive at times because the way she made me feel made me want to show that I was a harder, better, stronger worker than she was.
I look back now and I feel like I have been childish about our whole relationship at times. I've always had a problem with authority. So, I think the fact I struggled with her without knowing why she didn't really like me caused me to be so affected by her.
I then told him how I felt like even when I was at work, I was still at work. I have felt like my home life has sorta became another work environment for me. Having two sisters come home from stints in the hospital before thanksgiving caused me to go into full blown "nurse" mode. I scheduled (or set the times) for one sister's medication and became active in the treatment of the other sister's wound.
Although I love my siblings, love what I do, coming home and feeling like you still gotta work drains me,
But I wouldn't know what to do if it was any other way.
Finally, I told my therapist about how it saddened me to watch my mother take care of so many different people in our families. I have watched a women hustle my entire life to take care of her family. Which hasn't stopped even though she is in her late 40's with children all grown. She still sacrifices so much for her children it kills me that she isn't able to enjoy her life the way she should.
It reminds me of a line in Iggy Azalea's song "Work" where she says how one day she wants to thank her mother for the sacrifice she made.
That is something I aspire to do, but find it so hard because I feel like no matter what I am doing I keep falling back twos steps, although that is how life always feels even when its not true.
Back to my therapy appointment, after hearing these things my therapist told me I needed to sit down with my highest boss and explain how I couldn't keep feeling like my other boss was out to get me or I would have to find new work immediately. He also said I need to work really hard to be able to move out of my mothers house. He thinks it would help with my issues a lot if I was completely dependent upon myself. Which I can agree with completely
Just can be scary.
So After my therapy appointment, I started heading back to work, send a text to two of my bosses. One saying I needed to speak with her about a work issue per my therapist; the other to tell her to let another worker have my evening shift so I could take it off and relax.
Both conversations went well, and the rest of my 7-3 shift went great as well. When I got off work, I was still smiling and happy heading home. I'm not completely sure when the night turned bad, but when it did, it was something I have never experienced before.
I was sitting in my room when my mom asked if I wanted to go with her to take my sisters to the library and to eat. Since I couldn't find any friends to hang with I decided it would be good for me to get out of the house since I was already starting to feel down and sad.
So while in the car, I started a blog from my iPad. When we got to the library I finished the blog. With every moment passing I could feel myself becoming more and more down about myself and my life.
When we got to the restaurant I completely didn't feel like myself at this point. About 15 minutes into being there is when I finally had to accept the fact I suffer from depression. I say this because at that random moment in time, one of my sisters made a comment (a positive one not a negative one) about nursing school and I completely lost it.
I stepped outside to smoke on a cigarette for a moment allowing the cold air to fight back my tears.
As soon as I sat back down at our table, in the front of the restaurant, there was no more cold air to fight back the tears for me. I tried to myself, but the battle was quickly lost. No one knew what was wrong with me until I started blubbering about not being able to afford college and how I felt like I was never going to get into nursing school.
All things I know will happen at one point in my future just not at the fast past I want, but at that moment there was no telling me any different. Finally my sister realized that what she had said was a trigger for my depression. She held my arm and calmed me down. My sister, the one I have felt like I have been needing to take care of since she returned home, was now needed to calm me down.
Her and I were the only ones at the table who suffered from depression. That we know of. She was the only one who knew how to help me through it the best way possible.
Her and my friend DJ, who I was texting with throughout the entire ordeal who turned around and drove 35 minutes from his house to mine to come and talk to me, chill with me, and get me to a place of relaxation to where I was able to feel normal again.
Without those two, that Wednesday night would have been a horrible mess for me.
Like they both have said, like my therapist has said, like my mother has said, it is all one step at a time.
Life is ment to be taken one step at a time. You don't get to just go from the bottom of the stairs to the stop. That's what's the hardest part for me to accept. I mean, yes I know you can't skip steps, but I don't like to wait. I had a therapy appointment today where my therapist was quite proud of me for working towards bettering my life. For forgiving my father for leaving me and for doing the things i need to do to better my life. One of which was looking for a new job.
A new job both scares me and excites me. Trying something new would be exciting. But leaving what I know scares the living shit out of me. But my therapist thinks it would be best for me as long as I continue to have a boss that is constantly out to get me. A new job could pay me more, could be less stressful, and could teach me lots. But a new job would be outside of my norm, which of course is scary.
But I still spent 4 hours the others day applying at every hospital in the KC area and I plan to apply at many more nursing homes once I get my CMT.
It's not like I don't love my job, it is just that I would like some recognition for the work I do. For the work I do above and beyond.
My therapist also thinks it would be a good idea for me to continue on the steps I am taking to better my life so that I can move out on my own again. He fears that my home dynamics is a major stressor in my life. Which I can understand. This is because when I'm not at work I still feel like I'm working. Since we have both of my sisters back at my house for medical recovery. One just for rehab after a 3 month stay in multiple hospitals after an attempted suicide and one for a staph infection brought on my drug use.
I enjoy rehabing my sister after her attempted suicide. I praise jesus everyday that she failed. I will admit I will never understand what lead her to that point but I will never judge her for what she did.
My other sister is a different story. While I have suffered from addictions in my past, I also know how it goes getting over those addictions. You either hit rock bottom or you finally wake up one day and realize that what you are doing is stupid and not getting you anywhere. Like I told my therapist, I feel like te older sibiling even though I am the one that is four years younger. There is times I just want to sit her down and smack the living shit out of her. It's like, grow the fuck up please! Your killing mom, your killing me, and your killing yourself.
Day by day I have to remind myself that I'm taking the steps in the right direction to better my life. It just feels like it is taking to long. I have long legs and I feel like these steps should be easy to climb. But their not. Sometimes it feels like after I take one step i fall back three. I know I can't give up, I must push forward. Cuz nothing in life is just handed to you. You have to take things one step at a time.
This is going to be a short blog solely because I am quite depressed right now and don't know what to do anymore to make myself happy. it's like it my happiness comes and goes and here lately it's been more gone than it has been here.
So my next step is to deal with this depression, to get myself back to my place of happiness. To get myself back to the place I was when not but a week or so ago when nothing could get me a low as I feel now.
Life wil get better, I just have to be the one to make it better. I must constantly remind myself of that fact otherwise I will fail in my quest for happiness.
So until next time everyone.
Stay strong, keep your heads up, and feel free to contact me to talk cuz lord knows I will need it sometime.
