Walta's Back!!

I haven't been on for awhile and posted anything.  In part because I don't have a laptop anymore, but also because I got so worked up in working.

Which is a horrible reason because I was using work as a distraction from my problems.  I think that is something I have always done.  Worked 50 to 70 hours a week in order to keep my mind off of things that are going on in my life.  Cuz when I am no working, I am left to my thoughts.  Thoughts that drive me up the wall!  

So I am back, back to release my thoughts.  To  open up to the world again.  To hopefully help not only myself, but others as well.

To  start with, today marks my 414 days clean from dope.  Something everyday I am so proud of.  It still is crazy to me that I ever allowed myself to get so addicted to something that I hated for so many years.  I still find it unbelievable that I spent so much money and time using something that did nothing but mask my feelings.  At the time it made sense, at the time it worked.

Now that I think about it, that is the same thing I am doing with work right now too.  Using work to mask my feelings.

Speaking about work, I have gotten myself a new job.  I left the nursing home that I worked at for over three years back in June and in July started working at another nursing home.  I love it there.  It is a lot of work at times, keeps me busy, but it also has me using more of my CMT skills and knowledge then I was before.  This new place has also helped me decided that trying for my LPN is the best thing for me to do to kick start my nursing career.  

So that is my plan for next August.  To hopefully be accepted to this accelerated LPN program from one of the best schools around me.

I am excited

I am nervous 

I am scared

But I am determined too!

Nursing is what I love, it is what I am passionate about, it is a job that I would love to wake up  and do every single day of the week.  It is where my heart is, so I must follow my heart!

Something I was always scared of doing; following my heart.

In the past my heart has lead me down painful pathways, but not this year.  2016 really has been the year for me.  I have finally put myself first and my happiness first and have been nothing but satisfied since then.  Putting myself first has allowed me to enjoyed my time, be happy with work, with friends, family, and in my new relationship.

Yes, that is right, I am not single.  

For once this is a relationship that wasn't rushed.  We met back in March and dated for months until I finally worked up the nerve to ask him to be my boyfriend on May 6th.   Dating him has been one of the best times of my life.  We never have a dull moment together.  We always laugh, talk, and adventure.

He's understanding.

He's caring.

He's outgoing.

He's funny.

He's adorable.

He's all mine.

I could talk about his for hours honestly, but I know that would just lead to me rambling.  So I wanted to end this out by saying I'm back!! Be ready for more post from me.  Hopefully ones that are helpful of course!

Feel free to comment, I would love to hear from some of those who read these.

Accomplishments Come in All Sizes

Woke up early today to go get my blood drawn; always a good time at 7:45 am! 

Took a nice little ride home and decided to go down memory lane

here on blogger and read some of my past posts.

It was then that I had realized it has been A YEAR since I started this blogger account!  That was quite exciting to me! Looking back, I truly loved viewing my post that have had the most views and remember what the topics were about.  It made me remember why I started this blog; to help people who read it.  To share my experiences as a way to relay a  message to all of my readers of all ages.  

Image found on Bing

Although, I know I went offline for for a couple of months (a couple of different times!) I still want to do what I originally set out to do! So I decided to take it old school in the since I want to go back to talking about other things then what has been in my most recent blogs.

But, hopefully you all enjoyed those blogs too!

So here we go,

back to the old days.

Well first things first, I don't think I have ever really shown any pictures of myself on here.  Probably, because most my readers know who I am.  Which means they should know I just love to show off this picture because it is a picture of my Spotacus and I in our winter pictures taken.  Mind you, I had totally forgotten to do my hair before I went because I was too busy making sure he looked good, so you have to just ignore my hair:

That's my baby and I!

He's just the cutest little brat you could ask for.  He's the only one that can give me the Puppy Eye's look and make me fall for it.  And Lord only knows he loves his treats!  That's besides the point though, that guy in the blue shirt holding him up, that's me!  

By the way, Thank you JcPenny's Portrait Studio for the great photo shoot and the amazing pictures! Plus, thank you Groupon for the amazing deal on the JcPenny's Portrait Studio photo shoot!

I haven't had my pictures professionally taken for quite awhile.  Since my last family photo, a long time ago, I think.  

So, when I started this blog, I didn't really introduce myself (to all those who don't know me at least).  Well I'm Walter.  I live in the Suburbs of Kansas City, Mo.  The heart of the United States.

Image found with Bing Image Search

I mean right smack there in the dead center of the continental US.

I am 24 and have lived here for, pretty much, almost 18 years of my life.  I am gay, as many of you can tell or already know.  If you are just now finding out....well now you know! 

I have a weird sense of humor and have to feel like I'm using my voice even through text. 

That's why I feel the need to change the color, or style, or 

even

the

alignment

throughout my blogs.  I feel like it emphasizes the words 

or is just fun for me to do. 

I have traveled to two other states, driven through a few, and live in two other states.  I moved out of my mom's house once when I definitely wasn't ready to; subsequently causing me to move back into my mother's house.  

I started working as a CNA at my current job on March 3rd, 2012 and as of December 9th of this past year I started working as a CMT at my job as well!  It was quite exciting, besides getting my CNA, the only other "degree or diploma" I have is my GED.  Which all three I was so proud of myself for completing when I did.  The feeling of accomplishment is something that I can't compare to anything else.

Since I haven't really gotten to do this before:

Image found with Bing Image Search

I was starting to get down on myself.  Thinking: was I ever gonna make anything of myself; make it anywhere in life or live with my mom forever?  I had convinced myself I wasn't.  That I was going to become a a part of the walls at work.  Well, while working yesterday, I came home on one of my breaks and got our mail.  Brought it in and saw a large manila envelope for me.  I couldn't think for the life of me what it could of been.

I have been shopping free for a good couple weeks or so!

So, I went and opened it.  Instantly, I was ecstatic.  Instantly, I knew I wasn't going to be a part of the walls.  You see, what I had opened reminded me that I had accomplished something major and that I have before in the past too!  

No I didn't graduate High School like everyone else; I got my GED instead.  

Image Found With Bing Image Search

I haven't gotten a college degree, yet but I have gotten my CNA and have already started working in the field I love.

Image Found With Bing Image Search

The contents also led me to remember the small things I have accomplished within the past year alone.  Overcoming an addiction, seeking help with a therapist, seeking help from a psychiatrist, rebuilding damaged friendships, bonding more with my family, and remembering my priorities.  

Remembering these accomplishments made the contents of the envelope even sweeter for me.  

You see, the big accomplishments are great, you just can't diminish the "little" ones either.  Accomplishments both big and small deserved to be recognized and celebrate.  To remind yourself that your doing things right.  To inspire you to keep moving forward and getting ahead.  To remember that impossible is nothing if you never give up!

That is my message this time, Accomplishments come in all sizes, don't get yourself down because things are taking longer than expected for the large ones and don't ignore the small ones because they are there to keep you going while you strive for greatness!

For those who want to know the contents of the envelope...it was these: 

My Missouri CMT and Insulin Administration certificates and cards! 

One step at a time!

Dear Momma,

Dear Momma,

It's me, your baby boy, here to write you a letter different than anything I have been able to say to you in person.

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To start out, I want to thank you for being the hardworking, caring, loving, and wise mother that you are.  I want to thank you for being patience with me while I try to grow and mature.  I want to thank you for being the forgiving woman that you are to me no matter how many bad things I do.  I want to thank you for being the example of strength to me as you don't let any hard times keep you down or hold you back in life.

On that note, I want to begin by saying I'm sorry.  I'm sorry I have done you wrong many times.  I'm sorry I have acted like a spoiled brat so much in my life.  I'm sorry that I can not be exactly like you.

And for once, I am not saying that in a sarcastic way like I normally would during a fight.  I am saying that from the bottom of my heart because I no matter how hard I try, I am unable to be like you in the way of your strength.  I let hard times keep me down; I let hard times hold me back in life.  I am unable to be strong through the hard times to see that the grass in greener on the other side.

Although, I am able to say that thanks to you, I am able to start learning how to harness my inner strength to get through the hard times.  Everyday, even if you don't see it, you are showing me how to beacon of strength for a family that is meant to be a sitcom on T.V.

For example, last night you showed me how you are able to be strong enough to forgive me for stealing your $100 dollar birthday money last year.  I couldn't lie to you anymore about it, and I am truly sorry for what I did.  I know you are understanding and forgiving to me because I was on drugs at the time I stole it; to me that is not an excuse though.  Being on drugs or not, I should have never stolen your money.  You do everything for me and I took a present given to you to give yourself a break from all you do.  I will pay you back for that, I promise you that with all my heart.

With interest.

I know I usually am not the best at paying you back, but this time I truly mean it.

You have been nothing but an amazing women.  You have sacrificed your life for your family.  You took time off of work to be there with your recovering children.  Before taking time off, you still spent every moment you weren't working at the hospital with at least one of your children.  Before any of your children were hospitalized, you spent every day: waking up your grown kids, giving them rides to work or school, paying bills for everyone, and anything else you were needed to do.

As I type you are driving two of your kids around to appointments before you have to work tonight.

That is love.  

Image found on Bing

For Christmas I bought you a necklace that says "Mom is the Heart of Our Family" because it is so true.  The heart works to get blood throughout the body to keep it going.  Which is what you do; you work to keep everyone you love going, growing, and getting through the dark times.  Without you I know our family would fall apart.  We would not be able to keep going.

You are someone we can all always call on or come to just to talk about things.  Someone to come to for advice.  Someone to come to for help and guidance.  Someone who is willing to be accepting and understanding of things you may not agree with.  Someone we all need in our own special way.  

So Mom, I want to write you this, knowing my siblings would agree with me in telling you that we appreciate you, we admire you, we aspire to be half the person you are, we aim to make you proud, and we love you with all of our hearts.

Image found with Bing

Sincerely,

Your baby boy Walter

  

What Christmas means to me

It is nearly Christmas day.  Is everyone ready?  Do you have all your presents wrapped? Tree up?  Food bought to prepare?

With those questions being asked I want to know, what does Christmas mean to you?

Does it mean lots of presents?

Does it mean a big dinner with family?

Or something else?

To me, Christmas means the year is nearly over.  It means it's nearly time to start a new year; time to start with a fresh slate.  Well not a completely fresh slate, but you get the idea.  

Have you heard of "New Year's Resolutions"?  How many of you have made them before and by the end of January have completely given up on them?  I know I have!  

That's why this year I want to try something different.  In stead of making New Year's resolutions, I just want to make a plan for my new year and follow through on it.  

"Well isn't that the same thing?" you may be asking.

Well, I don't think so.  You see, many people say "I want to quit smoking as my new years resolution"  and by the end of third day they go right back to smoking.

Where as, with my plan, I want to get a hospital job which means I have to quit to smoking since most hospitals in my area will not hire smokers.  So, instead of waiting till the first of year to "quit" smoking I went to my doctor to talk to him about what I should do medication wise to quit smoking.  He prescribed me Wellbutrin XL which has an off label use to help people quit smoking.  You smoke on it for the first week and then you stop and it helps control the mood problems that are associated with quitting smoking.

See the difference there? I planned ahead, I started working on my plan before the first of the year.  I Believe New Year's resolutions fail because people people think things can easily be instantly stopped.  Hell even if your resolution was going to be to quit shopping so much, do you really think you can just stop doing that because a new year started? 

My next step in my plan is to move out on my own again and into my own loft in downtown Kansas City.  Instead of waiting till the first of the year, I have already started looking around for places and have even set up an appointment to go view a few different lofts with this company called Mac Properties.  I told them that I wouldn't be moving in until at the latest March first but that I wanted to weigh my options out now and have plenty of time to decided. 

You see, Christmas is a magical time.  Not only because it brings families together, but it also means your year is almost over.  It means you get to start a new year with a chance to make major changes in your life.  Change is scary, which is why I think so many people fail at their "New Year's Resolutions".

So planning it out ahead of time, starting the change before the new year starts, and taking the steps slowly is, in my opinion, the best way to accomplish a new years resolution.

So although it is already New Year's Eve and this post took me a little longer to post then expected (sorry drowned myself in work to avoid issues at home) there is still plenty of time to plan out what you want to change next year and set that plan into motion.

With all that said, I want to wish all of my readers a (late) Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year's! I hope your Christmas' were magical and Santa brought you all that you wanted.  I also hope you all have a safe New Year's Eve and have the time of your life!  Make the start of 2015 something amazing so that way you have solid foundation to make the rest of the year something even more amazing!

The Bottle

When many people hear “the bottle” they automatically assume it means someone has been “hitting the bottle” and getting drunk.  Which in a way is very much so true.  The real bottle that needs to be discussed is what is hiding in the internal bottle that is making that person down that bottle to get drunk?  What many people don’t understand or want to admit is that behind each and every drug addiction there is at least one bottle, if not multiple, that has been filled with a bad memory with the emotions it brings up, wide tightly twisted on, and placed away in one’s mind to be forgotten about.

Yet, it’s never fully forgotten about.
The emotions never fully go away.
They are just masked by the drugs, by the booze, by the working, or by whatever addiction that person is suffering form.  In order to deal with the addiction, the bottles have to be dealt with as well.  Through therapy, through talking about it, in whatever matter works best for that person!  For me it has been therapy and blogging.
These two outlets have helped me deal with my meth addiction, my sex addiction, and many other things.

My sex addiction hasn't been quite discussed on my blog much because part of me wanted to believe that I was only having sex a lot because of the meth.  I have now realized I cannot continue to blame meth when my sex addiction goes back much further than my meth addiction.  Now I have always been addicted to something or other at some point since I was 17.  I would go two to five months at a time without being addicted or using something above weed, but none the less I have dealt with addiction since I was 17.

I have carried around many bottles on my shoulders (deep in my mind) since I was 17.

Before I get too far off track, my sex addiction, has become more clear to me because I can look back and realize I had so many flings, one night stands, super short term boyfriends, fuck buddies, and what have you because it was my way with dealing with feelings of loneliness.  A feeling I got after my real father left my life again.  So, I had sex.  A lot.

And I’m sorry mom for whenever you read this but I feel it is best for me to simply but it out there.

To put it into perspective for you all.  I didn't lose my virginity until I was almost 18 years old (right around the same time I was getting all my DWIs).  From the age of 18 to the age of 21 and a half when I started working at my current job I had sex with approximately 40 guys, give or take ten.  Hell honestly I had lost count until one evening when me and a nurse decided we were going to come up with out “list” so we could know our number.  He is 15 years my senior and his number was less than double digits.  My numbers had grown higher than the amount of years he was old in four years.

Once I started working at my job, my numbers steadily went up.  It is to the point now that I couldn’t even begin to tell you the number of guys I have had sex with.  To be completely safe and honest, the number is probably in the 100’s.

I remember in one day, I was so depressed and lonely after my ex and I had ended things for our last time, I had sex with four different guys in a matter of 24 hours.

Now I now saying all this is going to have people judging me or thinking I’m so STD infested person, but I’m not.  I am clean, get tested every three months, and am not the sexual whore I was.  Since I quit using meth I was still being a whore.  That’s how I know I couldn't blame meth, it was after my therapy appoint where I finally opened and dealt with my bottle causing my loneliness that I haven’t had the urge or need to have sex with anyone.  Yes I still get horny, but I think since I’m a guy that is a curse I will always have to deal with.  Now I redirect my hormones into being productive. Into blogging, coming up with new ways to blog (aka the YouTube video plans), or into working on projects at work.  Now I am only sexually active with one person, the only person I want to be sexually active with.

Now I know this blog is going to upset a lot of guys, a lot of guys I have pretty much been playing.  To you guys, I am so very sorry.  For someone who has been played and used by guys I shouldn't have ever done that to you guys, but I did.  I would understand completely if you guys were to defriend me on Facebook, delete my number from your phones, or completely just cut me out of your lives.  I understand that, I can’t take back what I have done.  All I can do is tell you that I am truly, wholeheartedly, 100% sorry for what I have done to you.  For lying.  For leading.  For playing.  For using.

This opening up about my sex addiction is my way of showing that once you deal with the bottles causing the addictions, you will be able to deal with the addictions.  Addiction isn't something that is easy to deal with.  We all need help in some way with dealing with them.  We can’t do it alone so don’t be afraid to ask for help! After you detox, after you rehab, you will need therapy.  Some people don’t need the rehab part, they are able to detox and not use again, if they go through therapy and talk to someone.

Therapy has saved my life, therapy has showed me that it is better to open the bottles and deal with the emotions and memories that it is to allow those bottles to weigh on your shoulders for the rest of your life.


I write this blog today after a conversation with a certain loved one of mine.  When you read this, I hope you know I do love you.  With all my heart.  No matter how my blogs prior to this one have talked about you, I will always want the best for you.  I will always be here to help you through the dark times.  Because you are someone I know can take over the world and will once you get your head right!  These dark times can be concurred together.  I love you forever and for always!