Accomplishments Come in All Sizes

Woke up early today to go get my blood drawn; always a good time at 7:45 am! 

Took a nice little ride home and decided to go down memory lane

here on blogger and read some of my past posts.

It was then that I had realized it has been A YEAR since I started this blogger account!  That was quite exciting to me! Looking back, I truly loved viewing my post that have had the most views and remember what the topics were about.  It made me remember why I started this blog; to help people who read it.  To share my experiences as a way to relay a  message to all of my readers of all ages.  

Image found on Bing

Although, I know I went offline for for a couple of months (a couple of different times!) I still want to do what I originally set out to do! So I decided to take it old school in the since I want to go back to talking about other things then what has been in my most recent blogs.

But, hopefully you all enjoyed those blogs too!

So here we go,

back to the old days.

Well first things first, I don't think I have ever really shown any pictures of myself on here.  Probably, because most my readers know who I am.  Which means they should know I just love to show off this picture because it is a picture of my Spotacus and I in our winter pictures taken.  Mind you, I had totally forgotten to do my hair before I went because I was too busy making sure he looked good, so you have to just ignore my hair:

That's my baby and I!

He's just the cutest little brat you could ask for.  He's the only one that can give me the Puppy Eye's look and make me fall for it.  And Lord only knows he loves his treats!  That's besides the point though, that guy in the blue shirt holding him up, that's me!  

By the way, Thank you JcPenny's Portrait Studio for the great photo shoot and the amazing pictures! Plus, thank you Groupon for the amazing deal on the JcPenny's Portrait Studio photo shoot!

I haven't had my pictures professionally taken for quite awhile.  Since my last family photo, a long time ago, I think.  

So, when I started this blog, I didn't really introduce myself (to all those who don't know me at least).  Well I'm Walter.  I live in the Suburbs of Kansas City, Mo.  The heart of the United States.

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I mean right smack there in the dead center of the continental US.

I am 24 and have lived here for, pretty much, almost 18 years of my life.  I am gay, as many of you can tell or already know.  If you are just now finding out....well now you know! 

I have a weird sense of humor and have to feel like I'm using my voice even through text. 

That's why I feel the need to change the color, or style, or 

even

the

alignment

throughout my blogs.  I feel like it emphasizes the words 

or is just fun for me to do. 

I have traveled to two other states, driven through a few, and live in two other states.  I moved out of my mom's house once when I definitely wasn't ready to; subsequently causing me to move back into my mother's house.  

I started working as a CNA at my current job on March 3rd, 2012 and as of December 9th of this past year I started working as a CMT at my job as well!  It was quite exciting, besides getting my CNA, the only other "degree or diploma" I have is my GED.  Which all three I was so proud of myself for completing when I did.  The feeling of accomplishment is something that I can't compare to anything else.

Since I haven't really gotten to do this before:

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I was starting to get down on myself.  Thinking: was I ever gonna make anything of myself; make it anywhere in life or live with my mom forever?  I had convinced myself I wasn't.  That I was going to become a a part of the walls at work.  Well, while working yesterday, I came home on one of my breaks and got our mail.  Brought it in and saw a large manila envelope for me.  I couldn't think for the life of me what it could of been.

I have been shopping free for a good couple weeks or so!

So, I went and opened it.  Instantly, I was ecstatic.  Instantly, I knew I wasn't going to be a part of the walls.  You see, what I had opened reminded me that I had accomplished something major and that I have before in the past too!  

No I didn't graduate High School like everyone else; I got my GED instead.  

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I haven't gotten a college degree, yet but I have gotten my CNA and have already started working in the field I love.

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The contents also led me to remember the small things I have accomplished within the past year alone.  Overcoming an addiction, seeking help with a therapist, seeking help from a psychiatrist, rebuilding damaged friendships, bonding more with my family, and remembering my priorities.  

Remembering these accomplishments made the contents of the envelope even sweeter for me.  

You see, the big accomplishments are great, you just can't diminish the "little" ones either.  Accomplishments both big and small deserved to be recognized and celebrate.  To remind yourself that your doing things right.  To inspire you to keep moving forward and getting ahead.  To remember that impossible is nothing if you never give up!

That is my message this time, Accomplishments come in all sizes, don't get yourself down because things are taking longer than expected for the large ones and don't ignore the small ones because they are there to keep you going while you strive for greatness!

For those who want to know the contents of the envelope...it was these: 

My Missouri CMT and Insulin Administration certificates and cards! 

One step at a time!

A Wednesday I'll Always Remember

Things started out as a typical Wednesday for me, a good Wednesday even.  Woke up early and saw a text from one of my bosses asking if I could come in to work.  I told her, as long as I could leave long enough to go to my 10:00 am therapy appointment, I would come in.  She said that was fine and even offered to give me the evening shift off but I said no because I wanted the overtime.

At that moment I wanted the overtime.

So I went into work, busted my butt for about an hour and a half, then had to jet off to my therapy appointment.  

My therapy appointment went good.  I told him about the letter to my real dad and how it had felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  How I was happier.  How I felt closure.  He was happy, could see my demeanor, and was congratulating me on my progress so far. 

It was then that I started talking to him and telling him how even though I was happier in that area I was extremely unhappy and even feeling depressed sometimes because of my work environment.

I told him how it always seemed, no matter how hard I tried or how hard I worked, I always had a boss out to get me.  This is what was pulling me down, making me feel depressed at times.  Even making me feel competitive at times because the way she made me feel made me want to show that I was a harder, better, stronger worker than she was.

I look back now and I feel like I have been childish about our whole relationship at times.  I've always had a problem with authority.  So, I think the fact I struggled with her without knowing why she didn't really like me caused me to be so affected by her.

I then told him how I felt like even when I was at work, I was still at work.  I have felt like my home life has sorta became another work environment for me.  Having two sisters come home from stints in the hospital before thanksgiving caused me to go into full blown "nurse" mode.  I scheduled (or set the times) for one sister's medication and became active in the treatment of the other sister's wound.

Although I love my siblings, love what I do, coming home and feeling like you still gotta work drains me,

But I wouldn't know what to do if it was any other way.

Finally, I told my therapist about how it saddened me to watch my mother take care of so many different people in our families.  I have watched a women hustle my entire life to take care of her family. Which hasn't stopped even though she is in her late 40's with children all grown.  She still sacrifices so much for her children it kills me that she isn't able to enjoy her life the way she should.

It reminds me of a line in Iggy Azalea's song "Work" where she says how one day she wants to thank her mother for the sacrifice she made.

That is something I aspire to do, but find it so hard because I feel like no matter what I am doing I keep falling back twos steps, although that is how life always feels even when its not true.

Back to my therapy appointment, after hearing these things my therapist told me I needed to sit down with my highest boss and explain how I couldn't keep feeling like my other boss was out to get me or I would have to find new work immediately.  He also said I need to work really hard to be able to move out of my mothers house.  He thinks it would help with my issues a lot if I was completely dependent upon myself.  Which I can agree with completely

Just can be scary.

So After my therapy appointment, I started heading back to work, send a text to two of my bosses.  One saying I needed to speak with her about a work issue per my therapist; the other to tell her to let another worker have my evening shift so I could take it off and relax.

Both conversations went well, and the rest of my 7-3 shift went great as well.  When I got off work, I was still smiling and happy heading home.  I'm not completely sure when the night turned bad, but when it did, it was something I have never experienced before.

I was sitting in my room when my mom asked if I wanted to go with her to take my sisters to the library and to eat.  Since I couldn't find any friends to hang with I decided it would be good for me to get out of the house since I was already starting to feel down and sad.

So while in the car, I started a blog from my iPad.  When we got to the library I finished the blog.  With every moment passing I could feel myself becoming more and more down about myself and my life.

When we got to the restaurant I completely didn't feel like myself at this point.  About 15 minutes into being there is when I finally had to accept the fact I suffer from depression.  I say this because at that random moment in time, one of my sisters made a comment (a positive one not a negative one) about nursing school and I completely lost it.

I stepped outside to smoke on a cigarette for a moment allowing the cold air to fight back my tears.

As soon as I sat back down at our table, in the front of the restaurant, there was no more cold air to fight back the tears for me.  I tried to myself, but the battle was quickly lost.  No one knew what was wrong with me until I started blubbering about not being able to afford college and how I felt like I was never going to get into nursing school.

All things I know will happen at one point in my future just not at the fast past I want, but at that moment there was no telling me any different.  Finally my sister realized that what she had said was a trigger for my depression.  She held my arm and calmed me down.  My sister, the one I have felt like I have been needing to take care of since she returned home, was now needed to calm me down.

Her and I were the only ones at the table who suffered from depression.  That we know of.  She was the only one who knew how to help me through it the best way possible.

Her and my friend DJ, who I was texting with throughout the entire ordeal who turned around and drove 35 minutes from his house to mine to come and talk to me, chill with me, and get me to a place of relaxation to where I was able to feel normal again.

Without those two, that Wednesday night would have been a horrible mess for me.

Like they both have said, like my therapist has said, like my mother has said, it is all one step at a time.

And like Iggy Azalea said Impossible is Nothing