Dear Walter

Dear Walter A Moore I,

I am writing you this letter to clear up the air, to clear up my heart, and to hopefully clear up my future.  Originally I was going to write a "Dear Dad" letter but then I realized, I would be calling you the wrong thing.  At the most, "Dear Sperm Donor" would be good enough.  Out of respect I shall just write this as a normal letter with your name in it.

Where shall I begin?  Well first off I want to thank you for the few years of my life you were actually present and active in my life!  I grew up thinking mom had either adopted Nicole and I or that she was some how like the virgin Mary except without giving birth to God's children.  So when you were actually present it let me know where I had came from and allowed me to see the part of me that I had never known.

The good years were from 13 to 15.  We spent almost every weekend together, and every other Tuesday or Thursday together.  I can't honestly remember for sure off the top of my head because those two years and you were both buried into a cement cell in my head.

This cement cell has affected me more in life then I thought it would when I first created it at the age of 15.  I would have never thought back then that such a cell would weigh so much on my shoulders.

When I was 15, you bounced.  Again.  From my life.  No real reason was given.  I can only assume its because you checked your web browser history, saw that I was checking out gay blogs on xanga.com, and couldn't handle having a gay son.  This is fine.  Many people can't handle it.  Hell mom and I have just recently started talking about boys and dating and what have you with one another.  She found out I was gay when I was 16.  It might have taken about 7 years for the communication lines to open up but at least they did.  She didn't run.  She's strong.

When you left me for the second time, you did a word of damage that I never wanted to admit until now.  Now I have trust issues, relationship issues, drug issues, alcohol issues, and love issues.

I can't trust many people because I'm always afraid they are going to leave me just like you have.  I have had numerous friends, guys, hell even jobs since I was 15 and nearly all of them have been like revolving doors in my life because I have no trust.  No faith.

I have relationship issues because I go for guys who are just like you.  Which is surprising because I have always said I would never date a black guy because I would feel like I was dating you.  I may not have ever dated a black guy, but I have dated more guys that are like you than I'm happy to admit.  I date the guys that are pieces of shit, that are users, abusers, scum, and no good.  I date them because I'm convinced that I can change them.  I can make them better, I can make them amazing people, I can make them want to stay with me past 3 weeks.

Needless to say this is far from true.

But I don't want you to think I have always dated POS guys.  No, I have actually dated a handful of really great amazing guys.  Ones that treated me right, cared about me, wanted to be with me.  You want to know what I did with those guys? I sabotaged things.  I cheated, I lied, I became just like you in order to mess things up because I knew deep down they would run just like you.

I have had more drug addictions since the day you left than you can ever imagine.  Every last one of them was to fill the void that not having my father around left me.  Drugs masked the pain I felt deep down.  The loneliness I felt, the emptiness I felt all could be avoid by using drugs.  I am proud to say that I was able to conquer that issue on my own.  143 days sober as of today.

Alcohol was always my original way to handle to fact that you left me again.  Alcohol also one of the major things that destroyed my life.  Do you remember our last conversation we ever had?  I was 18 and was trying to tell you the outcome of my DWI cases.  You were under the impression I wanted money from you.  I might be a little stuck up in life, I might like the finer things, but never have I just wanted money from you.  I could careless about your money, I was just telling you what was going on in my life.  Although I'm not sure why because at that point you had your new family, your new daughter and son and didn't need me anymore remember?

Love is something I don't really think I know what the true meaning is.  Parents are who are suppose to show their children what love is.  Mom did her best to show me, but being a single parent for awhile meant she had to work a lot to take care of two kids because child support wasn't happening.  Yes she got remarried, but by that point my definition of love was already defined within my young mind.

Although you weren't there you still had a major impact in my life.  An impact I wish wasn't true.  You are truly a person I wish I could forget about.  That task is impossible to do because daily I am reminded of you just when I hear my name.  When I look in the mirror.  I think through my past and I have done things that you have done in your past.   Drank like a fish, smoked cigarettes, lied, cheated, and ditched.

This letter was not meant to be a bitch session.  A blame you for everything type.  No, this letter is to say I forgive you.  I understand you and mom couldn't stay together because the love was gone.  I know you had to do what was best for you.  I admire that, because I too want to do whats best for me.  This is why I am whole-heartedly forgive you.

This letter is to say I wish you the best.  This is where I would like to completely part ways.  I ask that  you please don't message me on Facebook anymore on my birthday or ask mom for my number to tell me happy birthday.  Or any other holiday you deem important enough to contact me.  I no longer harbor resentment for you, I no longer harbor anger or hatred for you.  I know you did what was best for you.  You didn't know the long term affects of those choices but being one of the individuals affected by your choices I won't let them affect me anymore.

I hope your life is good.  I hope your family is good.  I hope you live a long and happy life Walter.

Sincerely,

Walter A Moore II

By My Side

Still working hard to get the Poem section of the blog up and running!

Whats your favorite idea for a "name" for the section? Comment and let me know!

Poems

Poetry

Poetry Corner

WaMoo-Poems-4-You

Any other ideas are welcome!! Like I've said before this isn't going to be a poetry spot for just me it will be for EVERYONE to have a place to show their talent and skill!

After spending many days going through all my drives, e.i. Google Drive, Dropbox, Box, Skydrive, I finally was able to locate the other poem I recently wrote!! I also found my final draft of "The Thief" which I truly love!

Today I will be attaching my other poem for y'all to read.  "The Thief" final copy will be revealed on the poem sections opening day :)

By My Side

As I lay here,

You by my side,

A mind full of fear,

A heart on a ride.

My joy is right here,

My pain has to hide,

I hold back a tear,

Fake a smile so wide,

To you it must seem mere,

The thoughts locked inside,

Though this one should be clear,

I’ll announce it with pride:

Baby, forever I'll lay here,

If you're by my side

Carefree Was The Way To Be!

Remember when life was all about how much time could we spend outside with our friends? When the saddest thing we had to deal with was when the sun started to go down and our mothers would be yelling our name from the front door to tell us it was time to come in?

I remember those days and boy do I miss them! For Christmas my grandmother got me the best shirt I have ever owned in my life time! Stylish? No. Expensive? Not possible. Perfect saying? Totally!

What's it say??

"As kids we couldn't wait to grow up
wow, were we stupid"

Is that not beyond true? Me, there wasn't a single day that went by that I wasn't praying, wishing, and impatiently waiting for the day I grew up and became an "Adult".  Now, there isn't a single day that goes by that I am not praying, wishing, and impatiently waiting for the day a time machine is invented so that I can go back to being a kid again!

I ask myself, "Why the heck did I ever want to be an Adult?"

Working?
Bills?
Responsibilities?

There wasn't any of that stuff in my fantasies of adulthood.  Probably because it was never really something I saw.  Well the struggle side at least.  Yes my mom would have to go off to work, for long long hours, but it was something she loved to do so she didn't complain much.  Of course we had bills, but its not something she openly shared with her young children, so I was quite naive to them all together.  Responsibilities, pretty much just like bills, naive from lack of knowledge.

Now being grown does have its perks, but I have yet to find one that is better than living a life carefree like a child does.

Outing At The Playground

As a young 4 year old, there wasn't a single care in life to make me second guess someone or to act differently due to fear.  In my eyes, as well as many others, the world was a playground and everyone was here to play!

But as we grow up, this vision of life slowly and completely evaporates from our life's, replaced by mistrust due to dishonesty from those around us.  Why is this?  Why is it that as humans we always want to boast about being "100% real" or a "no liar" yet we can't even be true to ourselves, others, and people as a whole?

For example, I am a firm believer in giving closeted or a "not out" gay plenty of time to fully come out the closet at their own personal pace.  It is not something that can be rushed and it is something that must happen in a way that is most comfortable for everyone, but most of all whoever is coming out MUST be comfortable.  That being say, although I condone taking time to come out, what I do not condone are those who wish to remain "discreet" because they are married, in a relationship, super religious or strict parents, etc.  Why? Because your not being real, your not being honest, which causes there to be a lack of trust in people!

If your married, than good God man why are you stepping out?  If you are obviously not happy where you are then it is time to reevaluate your life, your wants, and your desires.  If you are a man who is married to a women but secretly on Grindr, Jack'd, or adam4adam looking to find some "discreet" play time buddies then you have gotten to be one of the biggest reasons why trust is such an issue.

That is because you aren't just causing distrust in your own personal home, but your actions will always leave a thought deep in the head of your "discreet friend" that will cause him to question his future partner down the road.  You will also begin to have the same mental paranoia that your wife is stepping out just like you and the cycle just grows from there.  Distrust is like the flu or the common cold, extremely contagious. This applies to those in a relationship as well,  stray true, stay faithful, stay trustworthy.

To those who have super religious or super strict parents and think that can excuse them from every fully admitting who they are, who they love, and what not, this is false.  Yes it gives you a little extra time if your under 18 years old.  Then I can respect and understand why you want to wait.  But your 26 year old, live on  your own, graduated college, own car, support yourself and live far form your parents; zero excuse.  One, your over 18 what are you afraid they are going to do?

In my years, every closeted gay's number one fear is that their parents will quit communicating with, or "disown", them forever because they are southern baptist and strict.  Well I too had that exact fear.  I tried everything to keep my secret my secret, and my mom being the sweet angel that she is, she went through a period of time when she was fed up with how my sister and I were behaving so she was overly strict.  In fact, I was shipped of a juvenile psych ward because she found out I was a pot smoker and drinker.  So instead of shipping me off to rehab against my will, at the age of 16, she called the police and said I had threatened to kill myself so that I would be held at St. Luke's in a little country town.  To make a long story short, I was outed by a night time nurse when my mom called up to check up on my progress.

My Mother and I, she's my rock and my idol

You know how she took it? My strict southern baptist mother who had just lied to have me admitted into a psych ward?  She said what I can guarantee at least 75% of those with strict religious parents will say: "Well I don't agree, condone, or support you choosing to sin your life away, you are still my child and I will always love you.  No matter what."

My mom, nephew, and I going to a movie.

In the end, being outed to my mother brought us closer than we have ever been in the 8 years prior.   It is something I am glad happened because the feeling as I released the last boulder on my shoulder was heavenly.  I was finally at peace for the first time in my 16 year of life.  It was the first time I could honestly say I was living without lying.  It was also when my mom started to trust me again.

I can honestly admit that I had re-achieved the feeling of being a 4 year old looking at life as a giant playground.

That feeling didn't last long simply because It became very clear that no one else was living a lie-free life. When I started to see the world as a giant playground again, is when I really got a chance to see how as people grew up, the playground drastically changed; a change that was far from being a good one at that.