Nicki Minaj - Bed Of Lies (Official Audio) (Feat. Skylar Grey)

This song is just so true. To all. In many different ways.  Preformed perfectly.

"Bed Of Lies"
(feat. Skylar Grey)

Do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?
And I knew better than to look in your eyes
They only pretend you would be mine
And oh how you made me believe
You had me caught in every web that you weave
But do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?


You could never make eye contact
Everything you got was based off of my contacts
You a fraud, but I'mma remain icon-stat
Balenciaga's on my boots with the python strap
You was caught up in the rush, and you was caught up in the thrill of it
You was with me way before I hit a quarter mil' in it
Put you in the crib and you ain't never pay a bill in it
I was killin' it, man you got me poppin' pills in it
I told Baby hit you, I said this nigga buggin'
Cause I was doing it for us, I told 'em fuck the public
Couldn't believe that I was home alone contemplating
Overdosin', no more coastin', no more toastin' over oceans
They say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
They say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn
But there was something I should've asked all along
I'mma ask on the song


Do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?
And I knew better than to look in your eyes
They only pretend you would be mine
And oh how you made me believe
You had me caught in every web that you weave
But do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?


I just figured if you saw me, if you looked in my eyes
You'd remember our connection and be freed from the lies
I just figured I was something that you couldn't replace
But there was just a blank stare and I couldn't relate
I just couldn't understand and I couldn't defend
What we had, what we shared, and I couldn't pretend
When the tears roll down it's like you ain't even notice em
If you had a heart, I was hoping you that would've showed it some
What the fuck you really telling me, what you telling me
I could tell you lying, get the fuck out, don't yell at me
I ain't mean to cut you, I ain't wanna catch a felony
This ain't How To Be A Player, you ain't Bill Bellamy
They say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
They say that your darkest hour come before your dawn
But there was something that I should've asked all along
I'mma ask on the song


So does she know I've been in that bed before
A thousand count, and not a single thread of truth
If I was just another girl
Then I'm ashamed to say that I'm not over you
There's one thing I need to know
So call me, when you're not so busy just thinking of yourself


Do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?
And I knew better than to look in your eyes
They only pretend you would be mine
And oh how you made me believe
You had me caught in every web that you weave
But do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?

Dear Walter

Dear Walter A Moore I,

I am writing you this letter to clear up the air, to clear up my heart, and to hopefully clear up my future.  Originally I was going to write a "Dear Dad" letter but then I realized, I would be calling you the wrong thing.  At the most, "Dear Sperm Donor" would be good enough.  Out of respect I shall just write this as a normal letter with your name in it.

Where shall I begin?  Well first off I want to thank you for the few years of my life you were actually present and active in my life!  I grew up thinking mom had either adopted Nicole and I or that she was some how like the virgin Mary except without giving birth to God's children.  So when you were actually present it let me know where I had came from and allowed me to see the part of me that I had never known.

The good years were from 13 to 15.  We spent almost every weekend together, and every other Tuesday or Thursday together.  I can't honestly remember for sure off the top of my head because those two years and you were both buried into a cement cell in my head.

This cement cell has affected me more in life then I thought it would when I first created it at the age of 15.  I would have never thought back then that such a cell would weigh so much on my shoulders.

When I was 15, you bounced.  Again.  From my life.  No real reason was given.  I can only assume its because you checked your web browser history, saw that I was checking out gay blogs on xanga.com, and couldn't handle having a gay son.  This is fine.  Many people can't handle it.  Hell mom and I have just recently started talking about boys and dating and what have you with one another.  She found out I was gay when I was 16.  It might have taken about 7 years for the communication lines to open up but at least they did.  She didn't run.  She's strong.

When you left me for the second time, you did a word of damage that I never wanted to admit until now.  Now I have trust issues, relationship issues, drug issues, alcohol issues, and love issues.

I can't trust many people because I'm always afraid they are going to leave me just like you have.  I have had numerous friends, guys, hell even jobs since I was 15 and nearly all of them have been like revolving doors in my life because I have no trust.  No faith.

I have relationship issues because I go for guys who are just like you.  Which is surprising because I have always said I would never date a black guy because I would feel like I was dating you.  I may not have ever dated a black guy, but I have dated more guys that are like you than I'm happy to admit.  I date the guys that are pieces of shit, that are users, abusers, scum, and no good.  I date them because I'm convinced that I can change them.  I can make them better, I can make them amazing people, I can make them want to stay with me past 3 weeks.

Needless to say this is far from true.

But I don't want you to think I have always dated POS guys.  No, I have actually dated a handful of really great amazing guys.  Ones that treated me right, cared about me, wanted to be with me.  You want to know what I did with those guys? I sabotaged things.  I cheated, I lied, I became just like you in order to mess things up because I knew deep down they would run just like you.

I have had more drug addictions since the day you left than you can ever imagine.  Every last one of them was to fill the void that not having my father around left me.  Drugs masked the pain I felt deep down.  The loneliness I felt, the emptiness I felt all could be avoid by using drugs.  I am proud to say that I was able to conquer that issue on my own.  143 days sober as of today.

Alcohol was always my original way to handle to fact that you left me again.  Alcohol also one of the major things that destroyed my life.  Do you remember our last conversation we ever had?  I was 18 and was trying to tell you the outcome of my DWI cases.  You were under the impression I wanted money from you.  I might be a little stuck up in life, I might like the finer things, but never have I just wanted money from you.  I could careless about your money, I was just telling you what was going on in my life.  Although I'm not sure why because at that point you had your new family, your new daughter and son and didn't need me anymore remember?

Love is something I don't really think I know what the true meaning is.  Parents are who are suppose to show their children what love is.  Mom did her best to show me, but being a single parent for awhile meant she had to work a lot to take care of two kids because child support wasn't happening.  Yes she got remarried, but by that point my definition of love was already defined within my young mind.

Although you weren't there you still had a major impact in my life.  An impact I wish wasn't true.  You are truly a person I wish I could forget about.  That task is impossible to do because daily I am reminded of you just when I hear my name.  When I look in the mirror.  I think through my past and I have done things that you have done in your past.   Drank like a fish, smoked cigarettes, lied, cheated, and ditched.

This letter was not meant to be a bitch session.  A blame you for everything type.  No, this letter is to say I forgive you.  I understand you and mom couldn't stay together because the love was gone.  I know you had to do what was best for you.  I admire that, because I too want to do whats best for me.  This is why I am whole-heartedly forgive you.

This letter is to say I wish you the best.  This is where I would like to completely part ways.  I ask that  you please don't message me on Facebook anymore on my birthday or ask mom for my number to tell me happy birthday.  Or any other holiday you deem important enough to contact me.  I no longer harbor resentment for you, I no longer harbor anger or hatred for you.  I know you did what was best for you.  You didn't know the long term affects of those choices but being one of the individuals affected by your choices I won't let them affect me anymore.

I hope your life is good.  I hope your family is good.  I hope you live a long and happy life Walter.

Sincerely,

Walter A Moore II

Dealing With Whats Your Closet

I don't know about you, but I know when I came out of the closet I proceeded to shut the closet door and leave all that stupid shit behind.  Well I'm slowly starting to see that is NOT the way to handle things.  I have been seeing a psychiatrist for a couple months now and in our last get together on Monday he asked me if I was seeing a therapist.  When I told him no he laughed and said, "So you complete by passed the therapist before coming to the psychiatrist?"  I sure in the hell did! I have a bad history with therapy where I was always told I was the cause of all the problems even though I was just an 8 year old child.  But I'm not going to allow my past to affect my now and my future so heavily.  This new therapist told me that it was time to talk and get those damn skeletons out of the closet so I will.  One by one for each meeting we have have weekly for now.

I recommend everyone does that.   Maybe you don't have the money for therapy, or the time, or even the desire to go see a therapist.  Create a blog and make that your therapy session.  This post here will be about my first skeleton.

My first skeleton is that I always feel lonely and unwanted.  Although I've never wanted to admit it, a big reason why I feel this way is because my real father wasn't in my life until I was 13 years old and then the moment he found out I was gay he split when I was 15.  Those two years we spent a lot of time together were great.  He showed me how much I love to golf, how amazing Minsky's Pizza is, and that video game golf was just as fun as the real deal.  Then he left. Disappeared.  Informed me he had his new family and his new kids and had done it write this time so he didn't need me or my sister anymore.

I thought I was find with this.  Hell I had gone 13 years without knowing the man I didn't think it would be much different now that he was gone again.

But my therapist pointed out how since that happened I seem to date or attempt to date guys that don't stick around past 3 weeks.  I do this because I think I can fix whatever the issue is that causes guys to leave after 3 weeks.  Subconsciously I'm doing this to try and fix my thoughts of being unwanted by my dad by choosing the same kinda douche bags that he is.

After my therapist said that, it made since.  That is something I do.  As soon as I meet a guy I tell them about my three week curse then upon three weeks when they wanna split I do everything in my power to try and fix whatever it is that's causing them to wanna leave.  When  in reality it's just because were not compatible, it was nothing to do with me like I think, but everything to do with chemistry.

I will say this in my defense.  Since I got sober from Meth on July 4, 2014, I have dealt with only one guy who has showed the whole 3 week curse.  But he needed to be gone anyways because he wasn't good for me anyways.

And yes I said since I got sober from Meth on July 4th of this year! 131 days! My next post will be about how I did it and tips to help you or a friend or loved one!

I leave you know with this quote that I have no clue where it came from or who said it but they couldn't have been anymore more right:
"You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one"

Think over that one until my next post.who read my posts!

Thanks always & forever!
Walter Moore

Outing At The Playground

As a young 4 year old, there wasn't a single care in life to make me second guess someone or to act differently due to fear.  In my eyes, as well as many others, the world was a playground and everyone was here to play!

But as we grow up, this vision of life slowly and completely evaporates from our life's, replaced by mistrust due to dishonesty from those around us.  Why is this?  Why is it that as humans we always want to boast about being "100% real" or a "no liar" yet we can't even be true to ourselves, others, and people as a whole?

For example, I am a firm believer in giving closeted or a "not out" gay plenty of time to fully come out the closet at their own personal pace.  It is not something that can be rushed and it is something that must happen in a way that is most comfortable for everyone, but most of all whoever is coming out MUST be comfortable.  That being say, although I condone taking time to come out, what I do not condone are those who wish to remain "discreet" because they are married, in a relationship, super religious or strict parents, etc.  Why? Because your not being real, your not being honest, which causes there to be a lack of trust in people!

If your married, than good God man why are you stepping out?  If you are obviously not happy where you are then it is time to reevaluate your life, your wants, and your desires.  If you are a man who is married to a women but secretly on Grindr, Jack'd, or adam4adam looking to find some "discreet" play time buddies then you have gotten to be one of the biggest reasons why trust is such an issue.

That is because you aren't just causing distrust in your own personal home, but your actions will always leave a thought deep in the head of your "discreet friend" that will cause him to question his future partner down the road.  You will also begin to have the same mental paranoia that your wife is stepping out just like you and the cycle just grows from there.  Distrust is like the flu or the common cold, extremely contagious. This applies to those in a relationship as well,  stray true, stay faithful, stay trustworthy.

To those who have super religious or super strict parents and think that can excuse them from every fully admitting who they are, who they love, and what not, this is false.  Yes it gives you a little extra time if your under 18 years old.  Then I can respect and understand why you want to wait.  But your 26 year old, live on  your own, graduated college, own car, support yourself and live far form your parents; zero excuse.  One, your over 18 what are you afraid they are going to do?

In my years, every closeted gay's number one fear is that their parents will quit communicating with, or "disown", them forever because they are southern baptist and strict.  Well I too had that exact fear.  I tried everything to keep my secret my secret, and my mom being the sweet angel that she is, she went through a period of time when she was fed up with how my sister and I were behaving so she was overly strict.  In fact, I was shipped of a juvenile psych ward because she found out I was a pot smoker and drinker.  So instead of shipping me off to rehab against my will, at the age of 16, she called the police and said I had threatened to kill myself so that I would be held at St. Luke's in a little country town.  To make a long story short, I was outed by a night time nurse when my mom called up to check up on my progress.

My Mother and I, she's my rock and my idol

You know how she took it? My strict southern baptist mother who had just lied to have me admitted into a psych ward?  She said what I can guarantee at least 75% of those with strict religious parents will say: "Well I don't agree, condone, or support you choosing to sin your life away, you are still my child and I will always love you.  No matter what."

My mom, nephew, and I going to a movie.

In the end, being outed to my mother brought us closer than we have ever been in the 8 years prior.   It is something I am glad happened because the feeling as I released the last boulder on my shoulder was heavenly.  I was finally at peace for the first time in my 16 year of life.  It was the first time I could honestly say I was living without lying.  It was also when my mom started to trust me again.

I can honestly admit that I had re-achieved the feeling of being a 4 year old looking at life as a giant playground.

That feeling didn't last long simply because It became very clear that no one else was living a lie-free life. When I started to see the world as a giant playground again, is when I really got a chance to see how as people grew up, the playground drastically changed; a change that was far from being a good one at that.