Dear Walter A Moore I,
I am writing you this letter to clear up the air, to clear up my heart, and to hopefully clear up my future. Originally I was going to write a "Dear Dad" letter but then I realized, I would be calling you the wrong thing. At the most, "Dear Sperm Donor" would be good enough. Out of respect I shall just write this as a normal letter with your name in it.
Where shall I begin? Well first off I want to thank you for the few years of my life you were actually present and active in my life! I grew up thinking mom had either adopted Nicole and I or that she was some how like the virgin Mary except without giving birth to God's children. So when you were actually present it let me know where I had came from and allowed me to see the part of me that I had never known.
The good years were from 13 to 15. We spent almost every weekend together, and every other Tuesday or Thursday together. I can't honestly remember for sure off the top of my head because those two years and you were both buried into a cement cell in my head.
This cement cell has affected me more in life then I thought it would when I first created it at the age of 15. I would have never thought back then that such a cell would weigh so much on my shoulders.
When I was 15, you bounced. Again. From my life. No real reason was given. I can only assume its because you checked your web browser history, saw that I was checking out gay blogs on xanga.com, and couldn't handle having a gay son. This is fine. Many people can't handle it. Hell mom and I have just recently started talking about boys and dating and what have you with one another. She found out I was gay when I was 16. It might have taken about 7 years for the communication lines to open up but at least they did. She didn't run. She's strong.
When you left me for the second time, you did a word of damage that I never wanted to admit until now. Now I have trust issues, relationship issues, drug issues, alcohol issues, and love issues.
I can't trust many people because I'm always afraid they are going to leave me just like you have. I have had numerous friends, guys, hell even jobs since I was 15 and nearly all of them have been like revolving doors in my life because I have no trust. No faith.
I have relationship issues because I go for guys who are just like you. Which is surprising because I have always said I would never date a black guy because I would feel like I was dating you. I may not have ever dated a black guy, but I have dated more guys that are like you than I'm happy to admit. I date the guys that are pieces of shit, that are users, abusers, scum, and no good. I date them because I'm convinced that I can change them. I can make them better, I can make them amazing people, I can make them want to stay with me past 3 weeks.
Needless to say this is far from true.
But I don't want you to think I have always dated POS guys. No, I have actually dated a handful of really great amazing guys. Ones that treated me right, cared about me, wanted to be with me. You want to know what I did with those guys? I sabotaged things. I cheated, I lied, I became just like you in order to mess things up because I knew deep down they would run just like you.
I have had more drug addictions since the day you left than you can ever imagine. Every last one of them was to fill the void that not having my father around left me. Drugs masked the pain I felt deep down. The loneliness I felt, the emptiness I felt all could be avoid by using drugs. I am proud to say that I was able to conquer that issue on my own. 143 days sober as of today.
Alcohol was always my original way to handle to fact that you left me again. Alcohol also one of the major things that destroyed my life. Do you remember our last conversation we ever had? I was 18 and was trying to tell you the outcome of my DWI cases. You were under the impression I wanted money from you. I might be a little stuck up in life, I might like the finer things, but never have I just wanted money from you. I could careless about your money, I was just telling you what was going on in my life. Although I'm not sure why because at that point you had your new family, your new daughter and son and didn't need me anymore remember?
Love is something I don't really think I know what the true meaning is. Parents are who are suppose to show their children what love is. Mom did her best to show me, but being a single parent for awhile meant she had to work a lot to take care of two kids because child support wasn't happening. Yes she got remarried, but by that point my definition of love was already defined within my young mind.
Although you weren't there you still had a major impact in my life. An impact I wish wasn't true. You are truly a person I wish I could forget about. That task is impossible to do because daily I am reminded of you just when I hear my name. When I look in the mirror. I think through my past and I have done things that you have done in your past. Drank like a fish, smoked cigarettes, lied, cheated, and ditched.
This letter was not meant to be a bitch session. A blame you for everything type. No, this letter is to say I forgive you. I understand you and mom couldn't stay together because the love was gone. I know you had to do what was best for you. I admire that, because I too want to do whats best for me. This is why I am whole-heartedly forgive you.
This letter is to say I wish you the best. This is where I would like to completely part ways. I ask that you please don't message me on Facebook anymore on my birthday or ask mom for my number to tell me happy birthday. Or any other holiday you deem important enough to contact me. I no longer harbor resentment for you, I no longer harbor anger or hatred for you. I know you did what was best for you. You didn't know the long term affects of those choices but being one of the individuals affected by your choices I won't let them affect me anymore.
I hope your life is good. I hope your family is good. I hope you live a long and happy life Walter.
Sincerely,
Walter A Moore II
Wow. You are amazing! This took a lot of strength.
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