A Ride With Me!

My YouTube video of my car ride from the other day :)

A Wednesday I'll Always Remember

Things started out as a typical Wednesday for me, a good Wednesday even.  Woke up early and saw a text from one of my bosses asking if I could come in to work.  I told her, as long as I could leave long enough to go to my 10:00 am therapy appointment, I would come in.  She said that was fine and even offered to give me the evening shift off but I said no because I wanted the overtime.

At that moment I wanted the overtime.

So I went into work, busted my butt for about an hour and a half, then had to jet off to my therapy appointment.  

My therapy appointment went good.  I told him about the letter to my real dad and how it had felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  How I was happier.  How I felt closure.  He was happy, could see my demeanor, and was congratulating me on my progress so far. 

It was then that I started talking to him and telling him how even though I was happier in that area I was extremely unhappy and even feeling depressed sometimes because of my work environment.

I told him how it always seemed, no matter how hard I tried or how hard I worked, I always had a boss out to get me.  This is what was pulling me down, making me feel depressed at times.  Even making me feel competitive at times because the way she made me feel made me want to show that I was a harder, better, stronger worker than she was.

I look back now and I feel like I have been childish about our whole relationship at times.  I've always had a problem with authority.  So, I think the fact I struggled with her without knowing why she didn't really like me caused me to be so affected by her.

I then told him how I felt like even when I was at work, I was still at work.  I have felt like my home life has sorta became another work environment for me.  Having two sisters come home from stints in the hospital before thanksgiving caused me to go into full blown "nurse" mode.  I scheduled (or set the times) for one sister's medication and became active in the treatment of the other sister's wound.

Although I love my siblings, love what I do, coming home and feeling like you still gotta work drains me,

But I wouldn't know what to do if it was any other way.

Finally, I told my therapist about how it saddened me to watch my mother take care of so many different people in our families.  I have watched a women hustle my entire life to take care of her family. Which hasn't stopped even though she is in her late 40's with children all grown.  She still sacrifices so much for her children it kills me that she isn't able to enjoy her life the way she should.

It reminds me of a line in Iggy Azalea's song "Work" where she says how one day she wants to thank her mother for the sacrifice she made.

That is something I aspire to do, but find it so hard because I feel like no matter what I am doing I keep falling back twos steps, although that is how life always feels even when its not true.

Back to my therapy appointment, after hearing these things my therapist told me I needed to sit down with my highest boss and explain how I couldn't keep feeling like my other boss was out to get me or I would have to find new work immediately.  He also said I need to work really hard to be able to move out of my mothers house.  He thinks it would help with my issues a lot if I was completely dependent upon myself.  Which I can agree with completely

Just can be scary.

So After my therapy appointment, I started heading back to work, send a text to two of my bosses.  One saying I needed to speak with her about a work issue per my therapist; the other to tell her to let another worker have my evening shift so I could take it off and relax.

Both conversations went well, and the rest of my 7-3 shift went great as well.  When I got off work, I was still smiling and happy heading home.  I'm not completely sure when the night turned bad, but when it did, it was something I have never experienced before.

I was sitting in my room when my mom asked if I wanted to go with her to take my sisters to the library and to eat.  Since I couldn't find any friends to hang with I decided it would be good for me to get out of the house since I was already starting to feel down and sad.

So while in the car, I started a blog from my iPad.  When we got to the library I finished the blog.  With every moment passing I could feel myself becoming more and more down about myself and my life.

When we got to the restaurant I completely didn't feel like myself at this point.  About 15 minutes into being there is when I finally had to accept the fact I suffer from depression.  I say this because at that random moment in time, one of my sisters made a comment (a positive one not a negative one) about nursing school and I completely lost it.

I stepped outside to smoke on a cigarette for a moment allowing the cold air to fight back my tears.

As soon as I sat back down at our table, in the front of the restaurant, there was no more cold air to fight back the tears for me.  I tried to myself, but the battle was quickly lost.  No one knew what was wrong with me until I started blubbering about not being able to afford college and how I felt like I was never going to get into nursing school.

All things I know will happen at one point in my future just not at the fast past I want, but at that moment there was no telling me any different.  Finally my sister realized that what she had said was a trigger for my depression.  She held my arm and calmed me down.  My sister, the one I have felt like I have been needing to take care of since she returned home, was now needed to calm me down.

Her and I were the only ones at the table who suffered from depression.  That we know of.  She was the only one who knew how to help me through it the best way possible.

Her and my friend DJ, who I was texting with throughout the entire ordeal who turned around and drove 35 minutes from his house to mine to come and talk to me, chill with me, and get me to a place of relaxation to where I was able to feel normal again.

Without those two, that Wednesday night would have been a horrible mess for me.

Like they both have said, like my therapist has said, like my mother has said, it is all one step at a time.

And like Iggy Azalea said Impossible is Nothing

Nicki Minaj - Bed Of Lies (Official Audio) (Feat. Skylar Grey)

This song is just so true. To all. In many different ways.  Preformed perfectly.

"Bed Of Lies"
(feat. Skylar Grey)

Do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?
And I knew better than to look in your eyes
They only pretend you would be mine
And oh how you made me believe
You had me caught in every web that you weave
But do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?


You could never make eye contact
Everything you got was based off of my contacts
You a fraud, but I'mma remain icon-stat
Balenciaga's on my boots with the python strap
You was caught up in the rush, and you was caught up in the thrill of it
You was with me way before I hit a quarter mil' in it
Put you in the crib and you ain't never pay a bill in it
I was killin' it, man you got me poppin' pills in it
I told Baby hit you, I said this nigga buggin'
Cause I was doing it for us, I told 'em fuck the public
Couldn't believe that I was home alone contemplating
Overdosin', no more coastin', no more toastin' over oceans
They say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
They say that your darkest hour comes before your dawn
But there was something I should've asked all along
I'mma ask on the song


Do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?
And I knew better than to look in your eyes
They only pretend you would be mine
And oh how you made me believe
You had me caught in every web that you weave
But do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?


I just figured if you saw me, if you looked in my eyes
You'd remember our connection and be freed from the lies
I just figured I was something that you couldn't replace
But there was just a blank stare and I couldn't relate
I just couldn't understand and I couldn't defend
What we had, what we shared, and I couldn't pretend
When the tears roll down it's like you ain't even notice em
If you had a heart, I was hoping you that would've showed it some
What the fuck you really telling me, what you telling me
I could tell you lying, get the fuck out, don't yell at me
I ain't mean to cut you, I ain't wanna catch a felony
This ain't How To Be A Player, you ain't Bill Bellamy
They say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
They say that your darkest hour come before your dawn
But there was something that I should've asked all along
I'mma ask on the song


So does she know I've been in that bed before
A thousand count, and not a single thread of truth
If I was just another girl
Then I'm ashamed to say that I'm not over you
There's one thing I need to know
So call me, when you're not so busy just thinking of yourself


Do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?
And I knew better than to look in your eyes
They only pretend you would be mine
And oh how you made me believe
You had me caught in every web that you weave
But do you ever think of me when you lie,
Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies?