One Step at a Time

Life is ment to be taken one step at a time.  You don't get to just go from the bottom of the stairs to the stop.  That's what's the hardest part for me to accept.  I mean, yes I know you can't skip steps, but I don't like to wait.  I had  a therapy appointment today where my therapist was quite proud of me for working towards bettering my life.  For forgiving my father for leaving me and for doing the things i need to do to better my life.  One of which was looking for a new job.  

A new job both scares me and excites me.  Trying something new would be exciting.  But leaving what I know scares the living shit out of me.  But my therapist thinks it would be best for me as long as I continue to have a boss that is constantly out to get me.  A new job could pay me more, could be less stressful, and could teach me lots.  But a new job would be outside of my norm, which of course is scary.  

But I still spent 4 hours the others day applying at every hospital in the KC area and I plan to apply at many more nursing homes once I get my CMT.

It's not like I don't love my job, it is just that I would like some recognition for the work I do.  For the work I do above and beyond.  

My therapist also thinks it would be a good idea for me to continue on the steps I am taking to better my life so that I can move out on my own again.  He fears that my home dynamics is a major stressor in my life.  Which I can understand.  This is because when I'm not at work I still feel like I'm working.  Since we have both of my sisters back at my house for medical recovery.  One just for rehab after a 3 month stay in multiple hospitals after an attempted suicide and one for a staph infection brought on my drug use.  

I enjoy rehabing my sister after her attempted suicide.  I praise jesus everyday that she failed.  I will admit I will never understand what lead her to that point but I will never judge her for what she did.  

My other sister is a different story.  While I have suffered from addictions in my past, I also know how it goes getting over those addictions.  You either hit rock bottom or you finally wake up one day and realize that what you are doing is stupid and not getting you anywhere.  Like I told my therapist, I feel like te older sibiling even though I am the one that is four years younger.  There is times I just want to sit her down and smack the living shit out of her.  It's like, grow the fuck up please!  Your killing mom, your killing me, and your killing yourself.  

Day by day I have to remind myself that I'm taking the steps in the right direction to better my life.  It just feels like it is taking to long.  I have long legs and I feel like these steps should be easy to climb.  But their not.  Sometimes it feels like after I take one step i fall back three.   I know I can't give up, I must push forward.  Cuz nothing in life is just handed to you.  You have to take things one step at a time.  

This is going to be a short blog solely because I am quite depressed right now and don't know what to do anymore to make myself happy.  it's like it my happiness comes and goes and here lately it's been more gone than it has been here.  

So my next step is to deal with this depression, to get myself back to my place of happiness.  To get myself back to the place I was when not but a week or so ago when nothing could get me a low as I feel now.  

Life wil get better, I just have to be the one to make it better.  I must constantly remind myself of that fact otherwise I will fail in my quest for happiness.  

So until next time everyone.

Stay strong, keep your heads up, and feel free to contact me to talk cuz lord knows I will need it sometime.